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Original poster

DH is in debt

211 replies

gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 17:14

Sorry for the slightly long ramble but here goes... any advice really appreciated.

I've been married to DH for nearly 2 years and 5 months in to our marriage I found out he had credit card debts amounting to nearly 15K. I was shocked, upset, betrayed but felt like it was something we could get through. Now I've come to the thinking that it's not something I can get through. I feel like its a huge amount and having never had money worries the amount terrifies me. All my spare money goes on house stuff that needs doing as DH literally doesn't haven't a penny to his name after his monthly repayments come out.

DH earns 21K so I've calculated by making minimum payments it will take approx 4 years maybe more to pay this off. I earn 29K and will try to do my best to help DH but I've become resentful at having to miss out on stuff or decline invites or not afford a new car or holiday etc as I am saving to help DH out.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I'm really really torn. Should this be something we should be able to get through together? Just makes me sad kids etc will be delayed as we will have no disposable income any time soon.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 30/09/2017 18:08

You haven’t said what he is doing to repay it as quickly as possible?

dunraven · 30/09/2017 18:11

House stuff and wedding stuff - I know it's in his name but weren't these purchases for your/mutual benefit too and you knew that it was going his credit card. If this is the case, although I understand that you are angry that he hasn't managed his credit card debt well, I would definitely see it as family expenditure and therefore family debt. I think you should see yourselves as a unit and pay it off as a unit.

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 18:11

He's been making every single payment, not had any luxury in the last 2 years, we've been living as frugally as we can and will try and continue to do so. At times it's just tougher and seems like it's never gonna happen. Another 4 years is a long time.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 30/09/2017 18:13

The lying (even by omission) is pretty serious I think and would make me wonder if the relationship had any future. I don't see how you can feel secure financially tied to someone who would do this.

Having said that I'm a bit Hmm about some things - you've known about this for about 18 months, earn a combined salary of 50K, but have only managed to pay off 1600 and you've depleted your savings in that time? You also say he's spent this money mainly on the house - the house you are both now living in and own, and that has eaten up your savings too since you moved in, so I'm not sure it should really be seen as his debt to pay. If you've managed to pay off only 100 a month since finding out about it, you aren't missing out a huge amount on holidays and treats. It sounds like you're living a lifestyle that you can't really afford and that, all by itself, will likely have a huge negative impact on your relationship.

The lying about the situation is pretty significant I think. But if you are going to stay with him you need to get over and see it as a joint endeavour to pay for your home and wedding, despite how the debt was accumulated without your knowledge (and he also needs to pull his head out of the sand on financial matters).

NoToast · 30/09/2017 18:14

What's the situation with the house?

Did you buy jointly and is it in both your names? If it's his house, is he paying the mortgage and clearing his debt, ending up with a house, while you pay everything else and have no assets?

MrsLupo · 30/09/2017 18:15

Four years is nothing. And if that's based on minimum payments it may be less. If the debt consists of 'house stuff' and 'wedding stuff' it's a joint debt surely anyway? Provided you are now both on the same page about spending/budgeting/debt, and being honest with each other, I don't see the problem. Tbh, if you're feeling this upset about not having new cars and expensive holidays for four years, then I wonder if it's you with the problem rather than him. Would it be unreasonable to suggest you take a long hard look at whether you may be placing financial expectations on him that he feels bad about not being able to meet?

bingolittle · 30/09/2017 18:15

Yes, it's the dishonesty I would really be having a problem with. He had no right to con you into this situation.

I don't think you should have to get past it.

NoToast · 30/09/2017 18:16

Posters are saying you've married him for richer and poorer or whatever but isn't the point that you've also vowed to be honest with each other? He's the one who's broken at least the spirit of the vows, getting you into a debt situation that you knew nothing about.

prettywhiteguitar · 30/09/2017 18:16

The debt is shared as you are now married, plus the fact you have actually tak n on some in your own name, I'm not surprised you feel angry. However if some of it is from your wedding and otherwise the relationship is ok, I think I would try to get over it.

It really depends on your relationship otherwise....

Allthebestnamesareused · 30/09/2017 18:22

The debt is affordable as they are affording to pay it. Just having to go without luxury. It is not a situation where they should be applying for debt relief etc.

problembottom · 30/09/2017 18:22

I don't think I would want to be with someone who could hide something like this from me for so long. I'd be very worried about his honesty going forward, the trust would be totally gone. And while there is some great advice here about clearing the debt, is he going to be financially responsible in future or is this just the way he is? If so could you live with it?

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

missymayhemsmum · 30/09/2017 18:29

Presumably you knew what was being spent on the house? On getting married? You knew your DH was living there alone and trying to pay all the bills on his salary alone? Where did you think the money was coming from?
Getting married and setting up home is expensive. It sounds as though you and your DH didn't have proper conversations about your joint finances before, during and after you did it. Lots of couples with your joint income run up that kind of debt by choice during the time they are getting married and setting up home, and then clear it (or live with it- you have about the UK average incomes and about the UK average unsecured debt)

Sorry, but seeing it as his problem not yours and resenting him for spending money you expected him to find from somewhere isn't a great way to start your life together.
I think you both need to unpack your conscious and unconscious attitutudes to money, debt, spending and whose is whose, perhaps with a counsellor to support you.

Taking the long view, you got married and set up a home, now you have disposable income which you can either use on clearing the debt over a few years if you are careful, or you clear the debt over longer if you want luxuries like holidays or a new car. You're not relying n credit cards to get through the month. That puts you in a very lucky bracket, to be honest.

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 18:30

In our arguments I can truly see myself leaving him. But when push come to shove it's not something I would ever want to do. I love him, it's the amount of debt and the number of years I am struggling with.

I do see it as joint debt which is why I have taken on the 4K for him. My savings were depleted on essential house maintenance and things we needed to buy. I'm now starting again trying to rebuild my savings in case anything else was to go wrong in the house I would be able to use my savings.
I see my savings as joint for both of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 18:35

I've been reading through the responses and it has affirmed something I've been thinking of for some time. Some of the added pressure probably is me. I was used to having a good safety net and I spent my money on the wedding, my choice completely. And now that's been taken away from me I think I'm struggling. I know holidays and new cars are a luxury anyone is lucky to have, it's just tough to know it won't happen again for another 4/5 years. Again, I understand I am luckier than most that we are able to keep up the repayments without the amount increasing.

Thank you for your responses everyone

OP posts:
Brittbugs80 · 30/09/2017 18:41

house stuff, wedding stuff

Are these anything to do with you, or his half/share of things you have purchased together?

If you already think there's no marriage to save, why stay?

Minimum payments won't clear much. He needs to clear the lowest debt first while maintaining minimum payments on others then when that is clear, move it over to the next card and so on. He also needs to close each credit card account once it has cleared.

It will be tight but he can clear it. You need to decide if you want to stand by him or leave him and look for someone without debt.

LidlAngel · 30/09/2017 18:42

I have a similar story to tell the difference being I discovered his debt three months before we got married. If we hadn't paid out so much on deposits etc I would have postponed the wedding. I could have paid off the debt for him but he never would have learnt to handle money more responsibly if I did, and I wanted him to feel the fear of having to get himself out if his mess himself. Sounds harsh I know but it worked. He moved his credit cards onto 0%, overpaid on everything he could and scrimped hard and the debt was gone in three years. We're still married and split everything 50:50 as we earn the same but there are no joint accounts etc.

dunraven · 30/09/2017 18:46

This is not meant to be harsh but with a joint £50K income, why aren't you (as a couple) able to pay more than the minimum payment. Is it because you have high outgoings in relation to your income? (outside of this credit card debt). You really need to see where it is possible to cut back.

I've always seen any type of holiday as a luxury and have had many years where we haven't gone on any because of other financial priorities or simply because we couldn't afford it. I don't think twice about it although I am Hmm when I encounter people who see holidays as a basic entitlement.

AlexsMum89 · 30/09/2017 18:47

I've read all your posts and I hope my perspective may help a little. £15k honestly isn't so huge. It's not insurmountable and it will be ok.
The way you're feeling about it is the main problem as you simply wish it wasn't there. Understandably.
6 years in total is a long time to be scrimping and saving. Is that something that you have to do to meet the repayments or are you trying to pay it off as fast as you can? It might help you out to just ease up on yourselves a bit and make lower payments so you can enjoy life a little more.
Also, could one/both of you maybe do something to earn some extra money? It's worth thinking about that too.
Good luck xx

AlecTrevelyan006 · 30/09/2017 18:49
  1. look into the possibility of a loan to consolidate the credit card debts into one monthly payment - it will almost certainly be lower than currently being paid on the credit cards and the debt will actually start to go down.
  1. Cut up credit cards
  1. Look at all your outgoings - under a microscope - be absolutely ruthless - have sky? Get rid of it? Have gym membership you don’t use? Get rid of it? Can you save £10 a month on your internet provider? Can you save £5 a month on your electric? Every penny saved will add up.
Chestervase1 · 30/09/2017 18:56

Well if it was house stuff and wedding stuff surely you are "wearing" some of the debt.

Shiftymake · 30/09/2017 19:05

Ok, so he has 13 400 left of his debt with 4 years to pay it off, so roughly 280 a month?

lozzylizzy · 30/09/2017 19:21

In fairness I would get a low interest loan over a couple of years and cancel the cards. No extortionate interest rates, the loan is paid off monthly and the debt is gone at the end of the term. However him trying to find better paid work/extra job will pay the amount each month.

lozzylizzy · 30/09/2017 19:22

Ok, so he has 13 400 left of his debt with 4 years to pay it off, so roughly 280 a month?

Plus interest.......

Aridane · 30/09/2017 19:30

I think I may be the only one who feels sorry for DH meeting wedding and household expenses on credit card and not being able to match DW's income. Not like he was gambling it away or spending on nights out

OP - you don't come across as liking your DH - so maybe this is a good enough reason for exiting the marriage

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 19:32

All the credit cards are 0% luckily. I think he has 3 and I have 1 in my name.

OP posts:
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