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Original poster

DH is in debt

211 replies

gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 17:14

Sorry for the slightly long ramble but here goes... any advice really appreciated.

I've been married to DH for nearly 2 years and 5 months in to our marriage I found out he had credit card debts amounting to nearly 15K. I was shocked, upset, betrayed but felt like it was something we could get through. Now I've come to the thinking that it's not something I can get through. I feel like its a huge amount and having never had money worries the amount terrifies me. All my spare money goes on house stuff that needs doing as DH literally doesn't haven't a penny to his name after his monthly repayments come out.

DH earns 21K so I've calculated by making minimum payments it will take approx 4 years maybe more to pay this off. I earn 29K and will try to do my best to help DH but I've become resentful at having to miss out on stuff or decline invites or not afford a new car or holiday etc as I am saving to help DH out.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I'm really really torn. Should this be something we should be able to get through together? Just makes me sad kids etc will be delayed as we will have no disposable income any time soon.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 30/09/2017 17:41

15k is manageable. It's the dishonesty you need to work through x

R2G · 30/09/2017 17:41

By the way it's all well and good him being ashamed and upset - if he isn't practically trying to sort it out himself also then it's just words and won't matter. You'll lose respect for him. If he is doing all he can- you need to forgive him and move on at some point... it was all for the house and wedding.

Redredredrose · 30/09/2017 17:41

While I can see this is a big betrayal of trust, I'm a bit puzzled as to why you're paying half each of the household expenses, but you earn nearly half as much again as he does.

MyHusbandIsNotADick · 30/09/2017 17:41

Did he tell you or did you find out?

LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 17:45

It's a bit weird that he hid it. I was in debt when I got married, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to hide it, that's a really big lie.

outabout · 30/09/2017 17:46

To have been 'recklessly spending' on 'trivia' before you married is one thing but to be out of his depth and simply caught up with the cost of house ownership and presumably 'wooing' you is a bit different.
Remortgaging and other financial wriggles may help ease the current pain a little.

Charolais · 30/09/2017 17:49

There is a very good chance that, after he digs himself out of this hole with your help, he will do it again.

Jasminedes · 30/09/2017 17:49

Its ok to fall out of love. Do you want to get past angry, which could be hard, or do you want to break up.

BarbarianMum · 30/09/2017 17:50

The debt's bad - but paying equally for your living costs when you earn more is also pretty grim. Maybe marriage to someone who earns less isn't for you.
Also a bit Confused that a debt run up on your wedding is just "his".

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/09/2017 17:50

See, I'm a little bit in the same position as your DH - I don't actually earn enough to run my household (living alone is VERY expensive if you're having to cover all the bills alone), and I sometimes have to put household payments on my credit card. I'm aware that it's creeping up but hope to be in a position to pay it off quite soon.

If he's run it up trying to keep his head above water whilst paying bills, then it's really almost an unavoidable expense, as opposed to buying crap and/or gambling it away. And you are cross because you can't afford a new car and holidays? No, neither can I because I'm in a low earning job (even lower earnings than your DH) but I've learned to live with it, new cars and holidays can wait until you are financially better off.

He should have told you about the debt, but maybe he didn't know how to (because you might then get cross about the new car and holiday situation?).

MistressDeeCee · 30/09/2017 17:51

Well as he has a plan and he is working its not impossible to clear £15K debt is it? Its not as if he's sitting around on his backside waiting for you to support him, he's earning a living.

Whilst I think he should have told you, I wouldn't demonise him for being in debt. Some people are very ashamed of money problems. You said some of it went on your wedding - Im guessing he didnt want to show you he was in debt

If debt was a reason for not being deemed 'worthy' of a relationship then a lot of us would be in the shit. If you didnt mean the for richer for poorer bit and financial stability is very important to you, then I don't understand why you and he didnt have the finances discussion before. Not even during wedding planning?

Only you know whether his way with money means he can't be trusted to deal with finances at all and will cause you hassle in years to come. But if £15K of debt worries you sick and you resent him already then it doesn't bode well

Maybe he can get an extra/evening job for a while. Loads of people do. But based on what youve said I wouldn't write him off..different if he was a gambler or some such

shitwithsugaron · 30/09/2017 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthebestnamesareused · 30/09/2017 17:53

His credit rating won't be screwed as a pp said as he is paying off approved borrowing at the appropriate times so if anything he is boosting his credit rating as long as he continues to do this. The issue isn't really the debt but the dishonesty of not disclosing it to OP.

As someone else suggested up thread one way of dealing with it may be to remortgage, clear the debt, possibly getting a lower rate than the mortgage currently is and therefore not making repayments any higher or just slightly higher, thus giving a clean slate going forward.

SonicBoomBoom · 30/09/2017 17:53

He should get an extra part time job, bar work 3 evenings a week or something, and throw every penny of his earnings from it into the debt.

I think that would help you get past some if the resentment, yes, you'd see him less but it would be short term pain, and you'd know he was making an effort to fix the mess of his own making.

dangermouseisace · 30/09/2017 17:58

OP whatever you do, don't do as a PP advised and remortgage- that's the worst thing to do! Credit cards are unsecured debts- there is little card companies can do if they don't pay them back. However, if you don't pay your mortgage they take your house!!! Don't take out any loans secured on the house either- again, they could take the house.

I also recommend stepchange (ex husband used them).

TheAntiBoop · 30/09/2017 17:58

So the costs he spent on were ultimately joint costs? It sounds like he was trying to keep up with you and struggled. And now you are married he is still expected to keep up with you despite earning less.

Tbh it doesn't sound like you have a proper partnership as you seem incapable about talking about finances. When you were arranging the wedding/sorting the house did you not sit down and do budgets etc and see what you could each contribute?

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 17:59

Sorry I know I did say we pay more or less the same but I pay for all the bills, all the other expenses in the house so I do put in approx £300 a month more than he does which is fair as I earn more and I am ok with that. It's the fact that my savings are completely depleted from doing essential house stuff and I'm struggling without with safety net of my savings. I've taken on 4K of the debt on my name as I was able to be approved for am interest free card of a higher limit than he was and unbeknownst to him i am planning on paying that off as soon I can leaving him with around 9K to carry on paying off.

OP posts:
lozzylizzy · 30/09/2017 17:59

Switch the story by gender along with the respective salaries, then the OP would be being financially abusive and that would be the reason that the OH would be in debt with credit cards.

Give the man a break! He was probably overwhelmed with the 'dream wedding' and low salary!

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 18:00

We did sit and talk about finances when it came to the wedding and he never once mentioned that he has so much already on credit cards. I knew he had some but stupidly assumed it was a lot less as that's what he made it out to be

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2017 18:00

It sounds as if he's got himself into a difficult position and he didn't know how to tell you. I know it sounds a lot. But you are earning 50k between you. It's not insurmountable. My brothers ex girlfriend did this before they met. She managed to get back on track and clear her debts. It sounds incredible to me but at the end of the day, People make mistakes.

lozzylizzy · 30/09/2017 18:00

OP now you are total drip feeding!

inlectorecumbit · 30/09/2017 18:01

I agree with the poster who suggested he tries to get another part time/evening/weekend job to try and reduce his debt a bit quicker.
It may just help save your relationship.

MrsMoastyToasty · 30/09/2017 18:03

Have a look at debt relief orders. You'll need to contact a CAB to do one.

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 18:04

Sorry for the drip feed that wasn't my intention.

I will have a look at Stepchange as previous posters have reccomended thank you.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 30/09/2017 18:07

It sounds like you want out and this is going to be your excuse

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