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Original poster

DH is in debt

211 replies

gameofthrones22 · 30/09/2017 17:14

Sorry for the slightly long ramble but here goes... any advice really appreciated.

I've been married to DH for nearly 2 years and 5 months in to our marriage I found out he had credit card debts amounting to nearly 15K. I was shocked, upset, betrayed but felt like it was something we could get through. Now I've come to the thinking that it's not something I can get through. I feel like its a huge amount and having never had money worries the amount terrifies me. All my spare money goes on house stuff that needs doing as DH literally doesn't haven't a penny to his name after his monthly repayments come out.

DH earns 21K so I've calculated by making minimum payments it will take approx 4 years maybe more to pay this off. I earn 29K and will try to do my best to help DH but I've become resentful at having to miss out on stuff or decline invites or not afford a new car or holiday etc as I am saving to help DH out.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I'm really really torn. Should this be something we should be able to get through together? Just makes me sad kids etc will be delayed as we will have no disposable income any time soon.

OP posts:
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 18:20

Is he able to get settlement amounts from the creditors to clear it ?

It won't be fab for his credit but at least it's gone then and will be paid quicker

I would send letters to them with a quick income and expenditure for him and shows how much he has left. Each month.

I would make reasonable offers to them and ask them to accept as full and final settlement.

They will probably counter offer so offer what you can afford - some

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 01/10/2017 18:24

Yep he had no fridge/washing machine nothing. He lived here like a bachelor and went to his parents for everything else. He had a house not a home. When I moved in, obviously we were now making it in to a home. I bought the tv unit, fridge, washer, vacuum cleaner and a few other tbh bs and only now a year later have we got a dining table from my savings. There's still so much stuff left to do which I'm just having to park for after.

Maybe I am being selfish but I go to work and that is my wage. DH goes to work and gets a wage. The fact that he has debts - how does that make them our debts? Obviously I have taken some of them on but I wouldn't see as that as something I had to do, it's something I chose to do

OP posts:
annandale · 01/10/2017 18:27

I agree it seems like you haven't really worked out together what your joint attitude to money is.

How did you think he was paying for the wedding?

With a man like this I would definitely want to keep a savings fund going but not £500 a month right now. I'd also want complete clarity every week on how the bank accounts are going?

LIZS · 01/10/2017 18:29

They are joint debts because him running them up has enabled you to have a surplus, rather than pay out for other items. It makes no financial sense for one partner to be in debt while the other saves. Are you on the house deeds/mortgage now ?

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 01/10/2017 18:31

I thought DH had savings. That's what he said to me, that's what he led me to believe. and of course I believed him, the same way I had savings and he believed me. It just turns out he didn't have any savings and it was all on credit cards.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 01/10/2017 18:34

I and he doesn't work with joint finances. Pooling resources and agreeing budgets will help

gluteustothemaximus · 01/10/2017 18:41

He had the house before we met. His parents paid the deposit so he didn't have to. With no savings in place he had to start paying the mortgage and bills etc as soon as he moved in. He then found on his lifestyle back then and everything else he was struggling to afford it all so started putting money on a credit card.

With no savings in place...but he had a wage? To pay the mortgage and bills? Sounds like the debt started before you met. How much of it was there before you met?

When you were getting married he offered to pay for honeymoon, suits and other bits. Surely that’s not the entire amount?

OP would have said no to honeymoon if she knew it was going on the credit card I imagine.

I really don’t think OP is being unfair here. Because had he racked up the 15k during their marriage, OP would have noticed. Honey, you earn 21k but you’re spending like you earn double that! Unless you thought he had savings?

averythinline · 01/10/2017 18:43

have you investigated re-mortgaging - your mortgage payments are low for your income .....that way it would all be gone on with minimal monthly impact then you could both save a bit together....as you seem to be doing it in an expensive way...
I do see why you feel how you do and that might be a way to park it ...

Manupprincess · 01/10/2017 19:12

By deciding to get married you have become a partnership. All debts and savings should be shared. Think about it from a different perspective- you decide to have a child together, does that mean you have to live on maternity pay as you are not receiving a salary? Wouldnt you expect him to suport your family at this time? Most people would view him not supporting you as financial abuse.
Why don't you both focus everything in the next 6 months on paying it all off. It you look at it as a joint challenge it can be almost fun thinking of ways to pay a few extra pounds off. There will also be a sense of shared achievement.
What your Dh did was a bit stupid and financially naive but hopefully a good life lesson. It could also be the making of your marriage if you let it but do stop sucking the life out of it all. Dh can't change the past but he can work with you to build a joint future.

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 01/10/2017 19:25

@gluteustothemaximus it's kind of like you said. DH has 7K even before the wedding. The rest is honeymoon and wedding costs. I paid for the bulk of the wedding, completely out of choice as I wanted the expensive wedding dress etc so thought it's only fair I cover my own costs on that (approx £22K).

So it's debt he spent on other trivial stuff and maybe I was naive but when he said he would be able to pay for it. I just assumed he would have savings like me

OP posts:
Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 01/10/2017 19:26

Yes I also would never have had the honeymoon we had if I knew it was being paid for by a credit card!

OP posts:
CredulousThickos · 01/10/2017 19:33

You spent 22k on a wedding and you're blaming HIM for not being able to afford to start a family?

Jesus wept.

Original poster
gameofthrones22 · 01/10/2017 19:41

But it was my money my savings etc. I'm not blaming him at all for having to delay starting a family, but while I choose to give him money for his debts it's money I don't have to be able to set up a nest egg for children

OP posts:
Brittbugs80 · 01/10/2017 19:47

What did you decide before you got married with regards to money? It's usual on here for all money coming into the household to be joint money, so the bills, food and debts get paid then surplus is split equally between you both.

If my DH was in financial trouble, I'd help and vice versa because a debt would affect us both.

I understand you saving for a rainy day or an emergency in the house etc but surely getting the debt cleared quicker makes more practical sense? £15,000 over two years interest free is £625 a month so £312.50 a month each.

Would you honestly throw your marriage away over this? Or would rather join forces, be stronger and get the debt gone in two years?

Then you can save and spend as you wish without the worry of the debt.

splendidisolation · 01/10/2017 19:49

£22k on a wedding to a man you want to leave because he has some debt. Holy fuck.

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/10/2017 19:49

You spent £22K on a wedding?! His entire annual salary?! Shock

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/10/2017 19:53

It sounds like both of you have been pretty silly with money and both of you are going to have to pay the consequences for a few years.

You should both have a little bit of spending money each month and the rest should be thrown at your debts.
Don’t pretend to “need” things like a new car any more!

also, I think as well as looking for ways to be more frugal you should be thinking how best to earn more? Aim for a promotion? Work a second job? Sell off “stuff” on eBay or local selling sites?

splendidisolation · 01/10/2017 19:53

No offence but you sounds like a box ticker.
Must marry man despite only knowing him a little over a year
Must have 22k wedding
Now we're married, must start having children and making a nest egg.
Must have new cars and holidays like other people have.

Why dont you just relax?

You spent an annual salary on a concept you clearly dont believe in. You're supposed to be supporting one another. This debt is manageable. Take it in your stride.

Graphista · 01/10/2017 19:53

Wow you were not emotionally ready to marry. The more you post the more I think it was about the wedding for you, not the marriage.

Marriage is about tough times too and they DO tend to come at the beginning. Financially, emotionally, physically...

Echoing what a pp said - what did you think would happen when you had children? I REALLY don't see you as someone that would manage on maternity pay only.

TheAntiBoop · 01/10/2017 19:54

You need to sit down and discuss money. Yours and his isn't going to work.

He probably felt under desperate pressure to give you your dream wedding - saying you wouldn't have wanted those things is all very well but wedding prep is very stressful and you may not have given that vibe

But regardless - you're a partnership now and that includes money and understanding each other

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/10/2017 19:55

Also you both need to get some legal advice regarding the house. What is the expectation, that you can’t or can claim a share of it if you split? At present you are spending money on the property but don’t have your name on the title?

Graphista · 01/10/2017 19:56

You spent £7k more on the wedding than the debt, that's ONE DAY and you think HE is financially irresponsible?? Hmm

LIZS · 01/10/2017 19:59

Maybe he is thinking that the 15k you spent on the wedding could have gone towards avoiding the debt or a nest egg.

feeona123 · 01/10/2017 19:59

He needs a 2nd job!

Pollydonia · 01/10/2017 20:07

You sound very selfish op and entitled too.

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