DH is in debt

[gameofthrones22]

Sorry for the slightly long ramble but here goes... any advice really appreciated.

I've been married to DH for nearly 2 years and 5 months in to our marriage I found out he had credit card debts amounting to nearly 15K. I was shocked, upset, betrayed but felt like it was something we could get through. Now I've come to the thinking that it's not something I can get through. I feel like its a huge amount and having never had money worries the amount terrifies me. All my spare money goes on house stuff that needs doing as DH literally doesn't haven't a penny to his name after his monthly repayments come out.

DH earns 21K so I've calculated by making minimum payments it will take approx 4 years maybe more to pay this off. I earn 29K and will try to do my best to help DH but I've become resentful at having to miss out on stuff or decline invites or not afford a new car or holiday etc as I am saving to help DH out.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I'm really really torn. Should this be something we should be able to get through together? Just makes me sad kids etc will be delayed as we will have no disposable income any time soon.

If you want to start with him and build a family, I think you should do a joint budget to clear the debt, then a savings plan for you both.

Someone recommended You Need A Budget app earlier in the thread. Get this and use it to budget together where your money goes as a couple. As PP said, focus on paying down debts over 6 to 12 months.

As soon as your DH spends something he has to decide which budget it comes from. No credit cards allowed!

Tbh it does sound as if your wedding was quite expensive and he may have felt that he had to give you the wedding you wanted and buried his head in the sand. Personally I wouldn’t be able to forgive the lying, but if you have and you want a family, you do need to work together to get the debt sorted.

It is your money OP. Threads on here about spending 10K on a handbag get met with your money, your choice.

22k on a wedding pre-kids, I don't think it's unusual.

But it sounds like he had 7k already, and then a further 8k added was the honeymoon, other wedding costs and things you have maybe shared together married?

If that's the case, then I'd be wanting to help out with half the debt, but I would still be saving. Savings are so important. It's a nightmare not having any, and so many people aren't in positions to save, as there is no disposable income.

If you go on maternity leave, because you have decided to have children together, your husbands wage is joint money (as it is now). This is a different situation entirely.

This is debt, half ran up before getting together - the other ran up through lying and saying he had savings.

Maybe the OP wouldn't have spent 22k on a wedding, if she knew marriage was already starting off in debt 7K?

Plus, the OP didn't get into debt to afford the wedding, she had savings.

This is coming from someone who doesn't understand wedding expenses as me and DH had a quiet registry office affair that cost hardly anything at all

If it were me OP, I would be upset about the lying. I'd help him make a plan to clear the debt. Then I would continue to save, and then forget about the debt. Just pay it off each month, and forget about it.

My worry is, if you bail him out, by clearing it quickly, he's already had deposit help with getting a house...I'd be worried if he does this again, and you are on maternity leave with a baby, and you have decided not to save a penny and clear the debts...what then?

Spending beyond means is not good for starting a family.

Help out with some just because you love him (I'm guessing!) but keep saving (the savings, BTW, are family savings for both of you).

Hope you're able to work things out. Just keep talking.

I don't have to be able to set up a nest egg for children

But surely it's better to bring children into a family setting with no debt and minimal savings rather than debt?

And you were considering divorce over this so why are children still factoring in this? The longer you let the debt drag on, the further away children will get. Get debt cleared, start trying and start saving.

Your mortgage is very low.

Your plan is complicated and you have too many pots.

just sit down together and make a simple plan.

If it was me, I would clear all the debts by getting a bigger mortgage. Then start overpaying the mortgage and clear it quickly. Together.

You have enough to do this and ye can both do it together but you need to sit down with a piece of paper and write out your plan.

I was your dh 10 years ago. In debt and too scared and ashamed to tell my partner. And of course when he did find out it was the fact I hadn't told him /trusted him to help that hurt him the most. After a lot of thought on his part he decided to stay in the relationship. We went through all my finances together, reduced payments by scrapping the ppi element of my loans and I cancelled everything that wasn't essential phone, gym membership, magazine subscriptions the lot. I bought no new clothes or non-essential items and I ploughed all of that into reducing the debt. Part of the deal was that my partner would do random checks on my sole bank account as well as the joint account until I'd earned the right to be trusted again. I was so proud when (apart from the mortgage) I was completely debt free for the first time in more than 20 years. A Big part of that though was how loving and supportive oh was throughout -I didn't want to let him down again and that made me think twice whenever I was about to splurge unnecessarily. I really hope you can come through this, but you will have to work as a team to do it. (and my oh did without even small holidays and had homemade presents for three years without even once reminding me that it was my fault)

You need to get your head round this...

The mortgage costs need to be shared as do the house costs. So what if 'you' bought the dining table, he pays the mortgage and regardless of where the
deposit came from, he bought the house you live in.

You earn 40% more than he does...

You also need to share the wedding costs. You had a wedding costing £30k on salaries of £50k. It was extravagant but you both spent a lot and now your savings are gone.

You had a dream that involved big wedding, prefect house and family. It takes time, planning and budgeting together.

Put the past behind you, work out how to move forward together. I can't believe you want to have children but can't get over the fact that your husband has a house and a mortgage but over spent on a wedding you both wanted.

Yes he should have disclosed the debt. He didn't.

But now you as a couple need to solve this issue. You are going to benefit in the long run with the house. Stop thinking of savings. Pay off the debt as quick as you can. I can't fathom £700 into a household account that doesn't include mortgage. Are ye eating caviar every night?

Once debt is cleared start afresh. New household budget and life plan.

Haven't read the whole thread, but can I guess that you're quite young (not meant as patronising question). I married dh knowing he had a few debts, married him and found the full extent and was absolutely mortified. I didn't marry him for money but I didn't want a life of poverty and scrimping. I wiped the floor with him that this was not how I wanted to live. Over the years he has worked his arse off to pay it off and has had pay increases so that it's now almost paid off and he has learned a lesson in being responsible with money. It's up to you if you want to give him that chance

Thank you for all your responses, I have read them and really taken them in.

I have to admit thinking about it, I am used to a certain way of life. Having savings meant I could do more or less what I wanted. I worked hard to save approx 26K before I was 25. I was very lucky to have a mortgage of my own name before I was 21. And I guess I thought I could spend a chunk of my savings on my wedding week, maybe naively, and start again as I am lucky to have an income higher than my outgoings. It's tough for me to admit but maybe I am slightly entitled and have been well and truly spoilt by my parents although not by money. They gave me a very good financial education.

But i realise that now I should be treating this as a joint debt. I will use money I would have put in savings towards the debt and hopefully this will be paid off in a lot less time than the 4 years I initially thought.

Divorce is something I have loosely contemplated when I feel really down, or when myself and DH have had yet another row about money. But actually thinking about it's not something I could do lightly.

Thank you for all your responses. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel!

That’s great OP. As long as you keep talking and working together as a team, that’s all you need. And whatever decision you make, you need to be happy with it, and it sounds like you are.

Good luck to you both x

You have the benefit of his house and the capital in the house - even if it was just his parents deposit, but probably increased house value too. So it's not as if you've got nothing to show for taking on half his debts with "your money".
Ok you'd probably not spent quite so much on the honeymoon if you'd known and you have a right to be angry but you are in this together. Show him you are a team. Tackle it together and then move on and going forward decide on what to buy for the house/spend on other things together rather than using "your money" and "his money".
He made a mistake. If he learns from it then don't let resentment spoil things.

I hope you really mean what you’re saying and it’s not just lip service to get everyone off your back. Your dh deserves your support on this. It doesn’t matter that his lifestyle was different to yours before you met.

As a couple, it is for you to both carve out a better future together. And he does have savings. His savings are in the deposit and equity in the house. It doesn’t matter where the money came from.

It is better to celebrate your financial fortune from your success at getting a well paid job and great parental support than to berate your dh for not having the same.

What happened to the house you bought when you were 21?
For all I think you needed this head wobble after spending so much on a wedding, I’m a bit worried you are helping with his debts yet have no property rights?

Yes what has happened to the property you had a mortgage on?

To be honest I’d be warey of clearing his debts. He is completely financially irresponsible and immature - why didn’t he just say “I can’t afford that, it will have to go on a credit card”? Then OP would have been able to have a clear picture of the situation.

He’s untrustworthy and needs to build that trust back. Paying off all his debts, for him to get into debt again and THEN divorce will be highly detrimental to the OP.

I do think you should take a look at your household expenses. £1400 a month when the mortgage is only £350 is a lot of money. There must be saving to be had which could go towards paying off the debt. Good luck, I'm sure you will pay it off in less than 4 years.

I am afraid I also agree you should not clear his debts unless you are absolutely certain this is marriage for life and he will never get in debt again (and that might indeed be so of course in which case clearing the debts is wise - I am like you - save every month, live within means, clear debt early buy property etc).

It's a bit like adultery - if men disclose it or it is found out but their wife keeps them then they know that is a licence to do it again. If you pay off his debts then he might take that to mean he can incur secret debts again and you will always pay them off.

It does seem sensible you have separate finances here unles like in many a marriage he hands all his money to his financially sensible wife into her account and then he is given some pocket money -huge numbers of couples do work like that actually - men traditionally gave wages to wives who gave them their beer money for the weekend and used the money for rent and feeding the family.

The house used to be rented out, but my grandad died a few years ago and my grandmother needed to downsize so she has moved in to my property and obviously living there rent free.

I have been really torn about paying off his debts, and I won't be paying all of them off. I'll be paying of 4K and helping out with the rest. I either leave him to pay them all himself and spend 4 years like this arguing etc or accept that this is a joint thing we need to solve now and help him pay it off reducing that 4 year term.

He is careful with money now, but he has to be to make sure he meets his minimum payments. He can't make any luxury purchases as he doesn't have spare money so wouldn't be able to make his minimum payments that month he did buy something.

I don't think he would do something like this again but then again I didn't think something like this would happen in the first place.

I think youre not quite working as a couple. He should have been more honest and I think you can both learn from this.

Ignoring the debt, from a young age you seemed particularly pressurised where money is concerned. I wonder if there is a healthier yet still sensible balance to be had

I don't think I was pressurised with regards to money. I like to have savings and a safety net around me really. After not being able to finish university, I was lucky to be in a job where I've managed to work myself up the ladder. Savings / money make life more comfortable in my opinion. I don't mean that to sound up myself in the slightest at all, maybe there is a deep rooted psychological reason as to why I prefer to have savings but who knows!

I do wonder if there is some deep psychological route. DH and I have also worked very hard and through thriftiness own our third property. We have our own issues with how we handle our money but definitely work as a team and share everything.

Over the next 40 years there will be lots of times where you both put different amounts into the shared pot. Maternity leave. Redundancy. New job role. Inheritance. Part time hours. Long term illness. It’s impossible to put the same amount in every year of your lives. The main thing is that you support each other during any blips

Agree with ploppie- you talk about money as yours and his but if you intend to be together forever how can you be so certain ? you have a good job but what if you go through redundancy or have a few maternity leaves? Isn't it better to rely on family income than to have some perceived idea you need to survive off your own savings

Your attitude to money is very unhealthy when it comes to being a couple. I wonder if it was that fear that made him hide it and it spiralled out of his control.

In one year the amount you save could half this debt and that is without him contributing. He should be able to contribute £500 a month too and between you you could clear it in 13 months. No brainer.

Is at decent 2 or 3 bed house? Rent a small one bed flat for you both and let out the house for a year or two and you could pay off the lot.