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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need to find proof

208 replies

Beenconned · 30/09/2017 13:45

I have good reason to suspect my OH is gambling and stealing money from me. I caught him out last year, he had gambled away over £3000 of family money over a 3 month period.

If I ever question him now he always offers me to check his bank account - but I think he's using another means.

I regularly have cash in the house as sometimes customers pay cash and I can't always get straight to the bank.

So many times bits have gone missing, but I put it down to me having spent it and forgotten.

This time I had a big wad which I hadn't touched as it was hidden away. He knew where it was. I went to get it yesterday so I could pay into bank, and £500 was missing.

I asked him if he knew anything about it and he got really upset, said no way, swore on our kids lives (I bloody hate it when he does that).

But there is no other explanation.

I think he's gambling again, but can't prove it. Any ideas on how I could get proof?

If he is that really would be the end between us.

OP posts:

UpnAbout · 04/10/2017 23:42

Apologies for my borderline incoherant ramblings. I don't do social media or chat. I feel for you. You are a woman who has achieved so much but sadly has gained a leach along the way. unfortuneately you almost have to have gone through it to recognise it.
it is not going to be easy with 2 little ones, you have good family and a great financial situation.
this can and will work. he is a loser you know it, he knows it, and sit back and wath him fight to pretend that's not true.....

QuackPorridgeBacon · 05/10/2017 19:06

Ok so if you think he stole the money then I’m sure he did, I don’t know him or your life and situation so I cannot pass judgement so I’ll take your word. However, you clearly don’t understand addiction and you left piles of money in the house which is odd considering you live with someone who gambled and has previously stole money from you, you are also quite awful about him being a stay at home dad and describe it terribly yet I would say that’s fine and my partner who is a stay at home dad does similar, no real need to do anymore than that each day, but I see you noted your outlook on it so that’s ok. Not sure why you are going on the way you are, he is out now so change the locks and be done with it. Don’t respond to any messages unless they are about the children or you want to message him about the children. Sit back and wait for court now, if you are sure he won’t file for custody then relax and move on with your life. Stop letting your life revolve around his emotions.

Just to add, crying does not equal guilt and it seriously pisses me off when people say it does! I cried many times as a child begging my mum or some other adult to believe me, all I ever got told was “guilty people cry” many beatings through my life for shot I didn’t do, crying does not make you guilty! Being the only person in the house with access to the money makes you guilty.

GladAllOver · 05/10/2017 22:51

Please please report for theft - you're going to need evidence against him if you think he'll go for 50/50, so it will really really help you.

But there is no evidence. Yes of course he took the money but there is no evidence and the police can do nothing about it.

If this comes out later he will simply say that this was a nasty attempt to smear his character.

another20 · 06/10/2017 14:05

*Please please report for theft - you're going to need evidence against him if you think he'll go for 50/50, so it will really really help you.

But there is no evidence. Yes of course he took the money but there is no evidence and the police can do nothing about it.

If this comes out later he will simply say that this was a nasty attempt to smear his character.*

OP can report "the theft" - it is up to the police to investigate who did it.
Nothing smeary about that.

WhoWants2Know · 06/10/2017 14:52

The idea that he would ask for 50/50 is a little bit funny, in a way.

If there's a 50/50 custody share, then no one gets any maintenance! The only way you should end up paying him is if he has full custody.

Fattychan123 · 06/10/2017 15:10

Take him OFF your company pay roll do not give him anymore money! Inform your accountant immediately so they don't do any more wage processing for him.

You will not loose your children every woman fears this when they leave a bad relationship then when the dust settles they say how much more calm and happy they are.

good luck OP please be strong, everyone is anxious & depressed at times he cannot hold that against you.

another20 · 06/10/2017 15:44

If there's a 50/50 custody share, then no one gets any maintenance! The only way you should end up paying him is if he has full custody.

Is this accurate if he claims he is/was a SAHD? if the genders were reversed I am sure a SAHM would get maintenance?

But as I said up thread not how he can claim to be a SAHD if he is on the payroll?

WhoWants2Know · 06/10/2017 17:14

If OP's records show he was earning a wage and she has receipts to show that the kids are in full time nursery, it would be very hard for him to convince a court that he was a stay-at-home parent.

And even if he were, a 50/50 arrangement would give him ample time to earn an income- still no maintenance.

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