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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need to find proof

208 replies

Beenconned · 30/09/2017 13:45

I have good reason to suspect my OH is gambling and stealing money from me. I caught him out last year, he had gambled away over £3000 of family money over a 3 month period.

If I ever question him now he always offers me to check his bank account - but I think he's using another means.

I regularly have cash in the house as sometimes customers pay cash and I can't always get straight to the bank.

So many times bits have gone missing, but I put it down to me having spent it and forgotten.

This time I had a big wad which I hadn't touched as it was hidden away. He knew where it was. I went to get it yesterday so I could pay into bank, and £500 was missing.

I asked him if he knew anything about it and he got really upset, said no way, swore on our kids lives (I bloody hate it when he does that).

But there is no other explanation.

I think he's gambling again, but can't prove it. Any ideas on how I could get proof?

If he is that really would be the end between us.

OP posts:
MyHusbandIsNotADick · 30/09/2017 21:14

Not reading 5 pages but has this been suggested. A crime prevention officer suggested it to me after some money went missing in my business. We didn't use it in the end though.

notapizzaeater · 30/09/2017 21:16

He's crying to try and deflect you, he's drunk the wine because he knows you won't quiz him in case he shouts, you will be well rid of him

AuntieFester · 30/09/2017 22:17

Report the theft to the police and then sack him for gross misconduct.
As you have an ltd, you would have access to an accountant and a solicitor who can advise you on the correct procedure.
I think you really need to remove any opportunity this tosser has to help himself to your hard earned cash.

Gemini69 · 01/10/2017 00:21

OP.. he WILL go for Custody.. claiming to be the Stay at home parent.. because kids come with Maintenance... good luck Flowers

RainbowsAndCrystals · 01/10/2017 00:27

Sorry if I've misread because I definitely haven't read the entire thread.

Why not sign up to Clearscore with his details and you'll see all the gambling sites that have searched his report. So there's your proof.

kateandme · 01/10/2017 00:43

I'll be lynched but....god there should be the slightest empathy for addicts somewhere.they can behave in the hideous of ways.lie.cheat.etc but is this the person?no.its very ill tortured soul.
If he's a dick without the addiction fair enough...

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/10/2017 08:28

Like a PP said, report to the police and then sack him for gross misconduct. If he gets nasty and wants to extract money from you after you split then he could try something around dismissal. Don't risk it. Police. Gross misconduct. Check you are doing it all correctly.

In future only employ people who actually work for you, don't use your limited company as a way to funnel money to wasters.

shooeghMcFee · 01/10/2017 08:39

I agree with the others who say cut your losses and get rid of him. You need to be strong because a lot of other stuff may come out of the woodwork too, e.g. loans he may have taken out to feed his addiction, bills you thought had been paid, creditors turning up on the doorstep. I had all this with my EXH. They don't change because they can't change. But that's no reason why you have to endure the lies and gas lighting.

DeegeeDee · 01/10/2017 08:58

Hi OP, sending you all our thoughts for the next stage ahead.

As others have said, get your legal position sorted. You may think he won't go for custody but am also assuming you didn't think your business money would be at risk in your home. If your children can be used as collateral to give him access to money, they will be used. Best to have a plan and not have to use it x

GladAllOver · 01/10/2017 09:15

There's sbsolutely no point in going to the police. You have no proof of theft. He will deny it of course and they will write it off as a domestic dispute.
Just get rid of him.

SWtobe · 01/10/2017 09:22

Op ask to see his credit report something like clear score or Experian as they will show all his active bank accounts etc and then you will be able to see what he has.

Original poster
Beenconned · 01/10/2017 09:27

Ok so I decided to play the long game as I don't want to take any risks with regards to him using the children / going for custody.

I told him in the interest of repairing our relationship I'd like him to get a job, and he needs to start looking tomorrow.

His face was a picture and now he isn't even talking to me.

He's going to try his hardest to change my mind, which will mean lots of gaslighting, crying, twisting, blaming, the works.

I just want him out of my life. I can see the future without him and I'm so excited. But for now I need to wait...

Thanks for all who have posted. Honestly he probably would have convinced me I was imagining the missing money if it wasn't for you guys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 01/10/2017 09:29

Ooh I did ask him to see his credit report and he agreed. Not happened yet. The last time I caught him out he agreed to let me see his bank statements. Just before that happened he confessed. I'm not sure he will this time. He's adamant he didn't take it, continually swearing on my life, his life, he kids lives - just stop already!!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/10/2017 09:30

What will you do if he doesn't get a job? That's a pretty likely scenario, right?

Original poster
Beenconned · 01/10/2017 09:32

I don't know - I think he'd be able to get something. There's quite a lot of warehouses round here so he could get a warehouse job. His background is in sales so maybe he could go back to that. Maybe I'm being naive, but he does come across very well initially, so I think if he applied for enough jobs he would get something.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 01/10/2017 09:42

Hi OP just seen this - you already know it's him. I've said for quite a few years, after seeing many different people at work and socially, people who get or cause trouble, bully etc don't have enough to do in their lives. Your partner literally does nothing, even your kids are at nursery!

Tell him to get that job sorted out, I'd honestly go tot he police and I'm sure they'd help you too, plus would bugger up any minuscule chance he'd have to seek custody of your children - good luck, he sounds like a carbuncle!

PastryOnMyMind · 01/10/2017 09:44

when I was 6 or 7, I had £30 saved up from £2 pocket money every week off my granddad.
I went to look at it one evening and it was gone, my Dad had taken it and spent at the pub. swore blind it wasn't him, kicking and screaming at me and my mum about it.
it was him. but that shows how low people with addiction are willing to sink to get what they want. you don't need proof, because he'll still say it wasn't him even if it was in his pocket.
addicts will lie until their last breath because if they admit they've done something, they're also admitting they've a problem.

Whinesalot · 01/10/2017 09:49

Why drag it out. Just ask him to leave.

YouTheCat · 01/10/2017 10:06

I think you're very sensible to get all your ducks in a row first.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 01/10/2017 10:13

I would log it with the police too - as its business money not just personal money

Also - if he's going to play nasty in the split - the fact there's been criminal involvement etc would be on record. I don't know. Just throwing ideas out. Hopefully the solicitor/citizens advice tomorrow will be more help Flowers

RandomMess · 01/10/2017 10:15

I think you are doing the best thing in the circumstances.

I would read up on grey rock technique and implement it when he starts gas lighting.

I would also stick with the line "the agreement was hat you would work for the business not be SAHD" has he worked for the business less than 2 years? I would hand him his notice or make him redundant.

GladAllOver · 01/10/2017 13:33

Also - if he's going to play nasty in the split - the fact there's been criminal involvement etc would be on record. I don't know.

An unproven allegation would have no effect whatsoever in any future separation. In fact he could use it against her. "She's told lies about me before and she's doing it again now."
Please don't waste police time on this unless you have real evidence.

bunningsbunny · 01/10/2017 13:44

If you still have the money, could you say that you're going to dust it for prints as his prints shouldn't be on it... So you need a print of his for comparison to eliminate it...

And then if he doesn't want to give you his prints point out the only possible reason he could possibly want to not give them to you is because he is guilty.

Original poster
Beenconned · 01/10/2017 16:20

Today has been an awful day. His mood is so bad I can't even be in the same room as him. I think he's annoyed that I asked him to get a job, but he says he's annoyed because I suspected him of stealing. Poor thing Hmm

Argh I just need this to be over. Not even sure I can play the long game.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 01/10/2017 16:21

My kids deserve to be in a happy household. I feel so guilty it took me so long to see that they do know things aren't right. Constant tension for one reason or another from him every single day. He's been manipulating us all since day one.

OP posts:
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