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Original poster

Need to find proof

208 replies

Beenconned · 30/09/2017 13:45

I have good reason to suspect my OH is gambling and stealing money from me. I caught him out last year, he had gambled away over £3000 of family money over a 3 month period.

If I ever question him now he always offers me to check his bank account - but I think he's using another means.

I regularly have cash in the house as sometimes customers pay cash and I can't always get straight to the bank.

So many times bits have gone missing, but I put it down to me having spent it and forgotten.

This time I had a big wad which I hadn't touched as it was hidden away. He knew where it was. I went to get it yesterday so I could pay into bank, and £500 was missing.

I asked him if he knew anything about it and he got really upset, said no way, swore on our kids lives (I bloody hate it when he does that).

But there is no other explanation.

I think he's gambling again, but can't prove it. Any ideas on how I could get proof?

If he is that really would be the end between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 18:22

I don't think he would apply for full custody. I may be wrong, but he knows it would be too damaging for them to live away from me. Plus he wouldn't be able to handle it, he enjoys being selfish too much.

OP posts:
Minxmumma · 30/09/2017 18:22

The tears and sighing are like a defensive teenager trying to get you on the back foot. He knows he has been caught but is trying to guilt you into changing your mind.

I think your choices are limited, you either forgive him again - both foolish and expensive. You tell him you don't and can't trust him after his last £3k blow out and now the magical disappearing £500. Or you can set a trap to catch him, leave some cash and invest in a camera that links to your phone and wait, if he has that much of a problem it won't take long.

It all depends on whether you really want the proof or just want to cut your losses. He is in essence stealing from his children

Ilovecoleslaw · 30/09/2017 18:24

Op if you want definite proof then get a spy camera set up and hide some money in front of him so he knows where it is.
You'll soon have your proof

Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 18:25

And yes I do 'know' but all his years of lying, blaming and gaslighting over just about anything, have left me questioning myself over even the smallest thing. He's someone who MUST be right at all times, very defensive too.

If I asked him if he bought potatoes for example, rather than say 'oh no I forgot' he would say they had run out, or the shopkeeper didn't scan them, or anything. Ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 18:26

I do like the idea of a spy camera but I don't think we will make it to that point. I just want him gone. If he will go is another matter

OP posts:
AuntieFester · 30/09/2017 18:31

Tbh I don't think you need proof, he stole from you before and will do again if given the opportunity.
Can you keep the cash elsewhere where he can't get at it? At home is no good, he's got all day to look for it while you are out and he will find it. Work place or trusted friend/relative?
Problem with that is that if he can't get to your cash he might go for items easily disposed of at a pawn shop like jewellery or gadgets.
Agree with pp's he may have bookies accounts/loans/credit cards in your name, not sure how you can check that but hopefully someone will come along with more info.
I think he only has a right to your flat/house if he can prove he's been paying rent (like a lodger or a joint tenant) and contributed to the bills and it doesn't sound like he has.
You can also ask the landlord if you can change the locks.
As for the 'help' he's providing, I think a childminder to take the kids to the nursery and a cleaner for the housework will cost less than £500 Grin
He needs professional help to get over his addiction but he first needs to admit he has a problem which he won't do until he's got you as a safety net. Get rid asap, he sounds bad news.
Flowers

Tamatoa · 30/09/2017 18:32

Can't you just end the tenancy, and move without him? You're not married, he can get a job and get his own place.

Oldraver · 30/09/2017 18:37

If he's gone to get wine I would lock the door and text him not to come back

strongasmeringue · 30/09/2017 18:37

Please get rid. He's horrible. It's not the doing wrong that's necessarily the worse part but the way he's treating you like an idiot now.

Motherofterriers · 30/09/2017 18:38

Do you control the wifi contract? If so, you might be able to contact your provider and get a pin number put on to control access to gambling/porn etc sites

HeebieJeebies456 · 30/09/2017 18:39

He lives the life of bloody Riley, honestly has everything he could wish for because I work hard - he does fuck all. He has a nice car, doesn't need to work, gets to spend lots of quality time with the kids - and he repays me by stealing from me - again!

Well, more fool YOU for allowing this situation to continue!

You can tell him to leave any time - he is not named on the tenancy and hence has no 'rights'
If he wanted full residency - well he'd need money and a house/flat....he's hardly likely to prioritize that over his gambling is he?

He has no 'rights' to your money - so you can stop his access to your accounts right now

You don't need to argue the toss with him over who's right/wrong and you don't need proof......all you need is to be honest.
Tell him you don't trust him anymore, you KNOW he's lying about the missing money and you've gone off him totally.

Get rid of him tonight, i see red in situations like this and i would not be giving any more chances/head space to him.

Oh....and if he has form for stealing - then you should know better than to leave cash in the house....and you definitely shouldn't be letting him know where the money is or allowing him access to it!

Have you called the police yet? He's stolen your business earnings - how much more are you prepared to take before you see sense and do the right thing?

MrsLupo · 30/09/2017 18:41

You don't need proof. If he's stealing from you and gambling, and lying about it, then he has an addiction - a problem he needs help with. Lots of couples would see this as a 'we need to get help together' moment, and the fact that you don't, and see it as a 'this is the end for us' moment, means that this is a relationship you no longer want for more reasons than the stated problem. All of which is perfectly valid. Since you're in a position financially and practically to manage without him, you don't need proof any more than you need permission. Shitty position. You obviously had feelings for him once and this must be more difficult emotionally than you're making it sound. Good luck.

Gemini69 · 30/09/2017 18:53

he's gaslighting you OP... don't take this SHIT... you're clearly a capable woman.. get rid x

PoorYorick · 30/09/2017 18:53

Hidden camera is perfect for proof but if you get to that point the marriage is surely over anyway.

MammaTJ · 30/09/2017 18:54

during the time our children are at nursery he arses around doing grocery shopping, a bit of housework, or whatever else he can waste his time on without doing anything constructive.

If a man said this about a woman, he would be lynched on here! Quite rightly too. I am pretty sure, unless you come home to an absolute shit pit, which I am sure you don't, as you haven't mentioned it, then he does more than a 'bit of housework'.

He enables you to work the hours you do, as I enable my DP to.

That aside, the stealing is not on. You don't need proof to throw him out, is sounds like you would be ok financially, but he may end up with the DC and you may end up paying maintenance.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/09/2017 19:00

Then started saying that he knows I still don't believe him, etc

This has me wondering what on earth you have been saying to him. Aren't you saying "I know you stole it!"

Are you being nice until he admits his guilt?

Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 19:06

MammaTJ I know it does sound quite bad, but he doesn't do any housework other than clearing breakfast things away, and loading and unloading the dishwasher.

He will put a load of his washing on, but that's it!

I said he arses about grocery shopping because he goes most days - always forgetting something which means he needs to go back next day. He could do it in the evening but doesn't lift his bottom from the sofa any evening ever, from 7pm when the kids are in bed. Believe me, he does nothing.

I am a mug for putting up with it. I wish I had left sooner but it's hard when there are young children involved. I guess I was hoping he'd change over time.

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Magicnumbers · 30/09/2017 19:07

OP, what a tough time it's been for you. Sorry.

What I am not grasping is how there's any doubt about money coming into your business. Surely if someone gives you money it's receipted and added to your books? You can then compare the amounts receipted vs amounts banked and see what's been haemorrhaging? That will give you a level of profound, including how long it's been going on for.

And yes, it's a police matter. If you don't start taking this seriously, you can't expect him to take it seriously. Your books are your proof, and you definitely need a safe!

Best of luck with it.

hellsbells77 · 30/09/2017 20:08

This is business money, though, not personal money, and every bit of money going in and out of your business needs to be accounted for so if a significant amount goes missing you can't just hide it away or treat it in a way that you may do if some money was missing from your purse.

Going forward, from an immediate practical point of view, given the amount of cash you handle it would be wise to get a safe ASAP, and I would advise this regardless of the fact you have a partner who is clearly stealing from you. Your household insurance may not cover you for money left in the house that is business money and your business insurance may only cover you for a small amount of money if it's not kept in a safe. I also think this would be prudent given you home circumstances and either not give the code out to your OH or, if a locking one, always keep the key on you.

Another thing, you say he is supposed to be a part of your business, in what way is this set up? Is he employed, is he self employed, are you a limited company or sole trader? He can't just 'work' for you, there are wider implications for what he is/isn't doing now and for going forward depending on this.

From an emotional point of view, what you are and, no doubt, are about to go through will be hard but if you can get practical things sorted out and your ducks in a row first it will make some of it easier to get through. I think you know what you need to do, it's just how.

Maybe talking with someone at Citizen's Advice might be a good idea so you can find out what you can do and if you can do what you want to do without putting you and your children in a detrimental position, especially with regards to what his rights may be. Good luck!

Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 20:24

It's a limited company that I have and he is employed by the company yes. Only a very basic wage, then he has access to 'our' money which he uses for day to day plus clothes etc.

He's on his second bottle of wine now.

I went to speak to him but he would only speak in a very raised voice which he knows I hate - the kids are in bed but I sill worry they can hear. I left him to it once he started crying.

He offered to come round the bookies with me to see if they know him, but I'm not doing that. He suggested I check cctv in the town - it would be a few weeks worth so that's a no go also.

He's just focusing on me using this as an excuse to get him out.

Anyway, whatever, I've bloody had enough of his gaslighting to last me a lifetime.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 20:25

I just need to get through tomorrow, then Monday he can start looking for a job and somewhere to live.

He won't go for access, I'm certain of that

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 20:26

Sorry I meant he won't go for custody. Of course he will have access Confused

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BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2017 20:35

He's on his second bottle of wine and crying over -being caught out- being unfairly accused -in spite of his history-. Hmm

Guilt-trip much?

A thieving, lying gambler with a drinking problem who doesn't have a proper job but will likely claim he's the primary caregiver -even if he has no intention of wanting the children full time on his own- ... I would get some legal advice. He may well play the martyr.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/09/2017 20:39

Sounds like he's already playing the martyr beware of dragons...

Sorry op don't know much about it - do you have to give notice to sack him if he's employed by you? citizens advice as said earlier might be helpful.

LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 21:12

I've bloody had enough of his gaslighting to last me a lifetime

God I know that feeling! You're doing the right thing!

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