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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need to find proof

208 replies

Beenconned · 30/09/2017 13:45

I have good reason to suspect my OH is gambling and stealing money from me. I caught him out last year, he had gambled away over £3000 of family money over a 3 month period.

If I ever question him now he always offers me to check his bank account - but I think he's using another means.

I regularly have cash in the house as sometimes customers pay cash and I can't always get straight to the bank.

So many times bits have gone missing, but I put it down to me having spent it and forgotten.

This time I had a big wad which I hadn't touched as it was hidden away. He knew where it was. I went to get it yesterday so I could pay into bank, and £500 was missing.

I asked him if he knew anything about it and he got really upset, said no way, swore on our kids lives (I bloody hate it when he does that).

But there is no other explanation.

I think he's gambling again, but can't prove it. Any ideas on how I could get proof?

If he is that really would be the end between us.

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 02/10/2017 09:31

Good luck OP

X

RiversrunWoodville · 02/10/2017 09:42

Good luck op Flowers

kateandme · 02/10/2017 09:45

OP perhaps the depressive and oxiousness is also in part due to your inner heart knowing something were afoot but until now you haven't been able to deal with it.so there been this undercurrent of tension/fear/sadness and you've overcome it day to day by carrying on.maybe this hit has almost made you need to become aware of how your feeling and just what this is doing to you.
and now its all bounding in.facing things is never easy.especially as you are now needing to be in control and calm to face what next when all you might want to do is break down cry and scream "someone hold me up!"
but you have made some awesome steps and are still thinking of the kids and still trying to do the best with such a tough situation.
keep your mind balanced.read.write.bake.not an aovidence just to keep yourself out of the boiler in your head.
everything Is impermanent hun this wont last forever and just as it reaches it tensist peak that too will pass.keep telling yourself that.everytime you thought you could cope this week.you did!
keep going.

Original poster
Beenconned · 02/10/2017 19:02

Well he's gone! He's staying with his mate for a few days, and during that time he is meant to be looking for a job and somewhere to live.

He's being all nice now, obviously hoping I'll change my mind.

But he's gone, and the house is already calmer. I feel such a huge sense of relief. It's been a really long time coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 02/10/2017 19:03

By the way I'm sorry for not replying to individual posts, my mind has been so full and muddled today it's been a struggle just getting through work and looking after the children. The advice and kind words I've had here has been amazing, so thank you Flowers

OP posts:
whydoiletthishappen · 02/10/2017 19:06

Hi. My anti-burglar tip is hide cash inside long boot and then stuff a sock into it then use boot stretcher as well. No bugger will think to look there or inside a packet of sanitary towels.

another20 · 02/10/2017 19:17

Impressive OP.

Keep strong - you will need to sustain this effort for some time.

A 'wobble" is likely at some point - but try and ride through it - and try to think in advance what situation might trigger this.

I would also do some credit searching etc so that there are no further nasty surprises down the line.

Also get ahead with legal stuff. Don't assume he wont or cant come after you for access/money etc

LuckLuckLUCK · 02/10/2017 19:27

Excellent!

Motoko · 03/10/2017 10:12

Yes, it would be a good idea to check your credit file OP, just to check he hasn't taken any credit out using your name.

butterfly56 · 03/10/2017 10:24

Get the locks changed on the house so he can't come in and keep stealing from you.
Do not underestimate him, he is still a gambler and a liar. Him being nice means nothing and is just another way of trying to manipulate you.

I am so glad that you have managed to get him out the house. Flowers

kateandme · 03/10/2017 10:43

how did he leave.are you safe?does he have a key?
if he is coming to collect his stuff,might it be wise to hide,keep away from him the valubles,cash,account folders.hes still human,fighting back,gamlber.just be watchful. not to say all people in divorce or separation are sinister but he has form.
I'm so glad you were brave enough hun.keep being so.
this wont get easy very quickly but remember why you are doing this.it could lead to the best kind of freedom

Original poster
Beenconned · 04/10/2017 09:41

He still has a key but is staying a few hours away. I will get the locks changed today.

He is getting nasty now - resorting to his old tricks if calling me crazy and unstable. He insinuated he wanted a payout. He was also really angry when I said I wouldn't rent a house for him on his behalf. I said I would pay a deposit for a house share but after his insults I'm rethinking that now.

He then told me I'm deluded for thinking he'd steal from me and a nutter for making the whole thing up.

I'm shaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 04/10/2017 09:43

If he goes to court over access as I'm thinking he will want at least 50/50, he will use the whole mental health thing and will try to show I'm not capable of looking after them.

I'm knew that from day one. One of the reasons I stayed with him.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/10/2017 09:55

He won't really want 50/50 though. Doing 50% of their washing, cooking for them, taking them to school, remembering appointments and homework and gym kit and teeth washing and parties and, and, and...?

What he will want is a stake in 'the family' which will mean he still doesn't have to take responsibility for his own life, and especially doesn't have to actually work to earn. That will initially translate as 'wanting 50/50'.

A smart move here as soon as he says that would be to keep a straight face and say yes, you should start doing 50/50. And then you present him with a MASSIVE list of every single job which makes up looking after the children. And you tell him that you'll be presenting that to a solicitor, along with the other reasons why you've split which includes money going missing, gambling etc. - and you say, right now I consider myself primary carer as you basically do NONE of this care. If you want to step up now you are moved out and start actually doing 50% of the care then that's great. You actually show you can do that, then we'll be equal carers and the next step will obviously be to reassess living arrangements. But if you think you're going to declare yourself as doing 50/50 but in reality you pick them up from school, watch them for a couple of hours then leave EVERYTHING else to me - fuck off.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/10/2017 09:59

Oh and the old mental health chestnut - BWAH HA HA.

They all say that. And then you present the picture of life in the home and you running a business as well as taking on all the care and then you present the evidence of his gambling and stealing and the judge looks at him Hmm

They've heard it all before a million times!

There's also a difference between a mother who is adamant that there should be hardly any contact etc. and one (like you) who is saying, if he wants 50/50 that's absolutely great - but no he hasn't been primary carer EVER despite me working, they're in full time nursery and quite frankly if he fell into the sea tomorrow the only difference would be I'd need a childminder for two hours after school every day because that's his ONLY contribution -so am I moving out of my house so he can park his bum back on the sofa - nope! - the judge is going to see a reasonable person.

DJBaggySmalls · 04/10/2017 10:02

Beenconned He's the one thats scared - scared of losing easy cash. He's going to have to sort out his gambling and money by himself, thats why he's turned nasty.
If you ever feel like taking him back, remember how fast he turned on you. Flowers

SleepFreeZone · 04/10/2017 10:03

Fizzy that's a great post.

SleepFreeZone · 04/10/2017 10:05

My father used that threat to control my mother. She had a history of mental health problems - solely caused by him, and he made her stay by threatening to remove us from her through the courts. He never wanted us, he barely tolerated us, but it was a very handy weapon to keep mum nicely in line.

another20 · 04/10/2017 10:06

Wow he is showing his true colours now isn't he - now that his meal ticket has expired....or in-fact what he is actually doing is ramping up his bad behaviour.

He is continuing to bully, gaslight and abuse you.

You need to manage contact/communications with him. Save or record all interactions to prove EA.

Don't worry what he says about your MH or what others might think of you (they have watched the dynamic for years and will know the real situation). 1 in 4 of us experience a MH issue every year. What he is doing is like bulling you because you have asthma or diabetes.

See a solicitor before you hand him any cash - also get HR and legal advice about sacking him.

He will only go for 50/50 in an attempt to get maintenance from you.

You have done well to get him out. But this is the hard bit. You need to keep him out, you need to keep focused on getting any legal arrangements in place correctly. You also need to protect yourself from him emotionally.

Look forward to your shining new life where the burden of this abusive, gas-lighting, thieving, alcoholic, gambling, sulking, lazy, gambling, lying, parasitic slob has been lifted.

Original poster
Beenconned · 04/10/2017 10:09

Thank you Flowers

I'm scared right now. Really really scared. He's a master of manipulation and pretending he's the nice guy. Mind you, anyone I know who has contact with him thinks he's a jumped up prick.

So if I get a shit hot lawyer that would help me right? I can afford a good one, and want to do what it takes. I don't want him having 50/50 because I know the reason he wants that is for maintenance not for the children. He's impatient with them and controlling.

So scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 04/10/2017 10:11

And then assuming I have a lawyer, all communication about future access and responses to his accusations can go through the lawyer? The thought of having to defend myself against the nasty offensive things he says to me is horrendous.

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 04/10/2017 10:12

Oh god yes, get the best lawyer you can afford.

SleepFreeZone · 04/10/2017 10:13

Btw do you have evidence of his gambling problem? Anything you can find that proves he is unfit to patent your kids will be incredibly helpful.

Original poster
Beenconned · 04/10/2017 10:15

The only evidence is texts from when he admitted gambling 2 years ago and using thousands of pounds of my / family money to do so.

This time around he continues to deny it and tells me I'm making it up. So I don't have evidence this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 04/10/2017 10:16

He has a lot of texts from me detailing how I feel low, anxious etc. Nothing major, just literally saying I'm down today or anxious today. I'm worried about that. I have had anxiety and depression but funnily enough since he's been gone, even with all the stress I'm now having to face, things seem brighter.

OP posts: