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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need to find proof

208 replies

Beenconned · 30/09/2017 13:45

I have good reason to suspect my OH is gambling and stealing money from me. I caught him out last year, he had gambled away over £3000 of family money over a 3 month period.

If I ever question him now he always offers me to check his bank account - but I think he's using another means.

I regularly have cash in the house as sometimes customers pay cash and I can't always get straight to the bank.

So many times bits have gone missing, but I put it down to me having spent it and forgotten.

This time I had a big wad which I hadn't touched as it was hidden away. He knew where it was. I went to get it yesterday so I could pay into bank, and £500 was missing.

I asked him if he knew anything about it and he got really upset, said no way, swore on our kids lives (I bloody hate it when he does that).

But there is no other explanation.

I think he's gambling again, but can't prove it. Any ideas on how I could get proof?

If he is that really would be the end between us.

OP posts:
LIZS · 30/09/2017 14:18

So he making free with your earnings?

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 30/09/2017 14:19

I'm not happy in the relationship at all and have wanted to end it for a long time.

Forget the certainty possibility of theft. What you've said above is a good enough reason to call time on the relationship.

specialsubject · 30/09/2017 14:19

Kick out, change locks.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/09/2017 14:20

Do you live in your own house op?
Just trying to think of practical steps. Flowers

Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 14:24

We rent but it's in my name only.

OP posts:
mylaptopismylapdog · 30/09/2017 14:30

Agree with previous two poster I'd also buy a safe with a combination for your own benefit and to remove temptation so if he is you aren't funding it.Ignore any guilt tripping about not bring trusted,

PashPash · 30/09/2017 14:30

A relationship isn't a court of law, you don't need to prove beyond reasonable doubt that he has wronged you enough for you to be allowed to leave him.

How about:

'This incident has made me realise that actually I don't trust you, I can't be in a relationship with you.. goodbye '

LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 14:33

A relationship isn't a court of law, you don't need to prove beyond reasonable doubt that he has wronged you enough for you to be allowed to leave him

This.

Wanting to end a relationship is a 'good enough' reason.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2017 14:35

I would advise checking on the legal position before telling him to go. If he isn't working, do you think he might try to claim that he is the main parent of DC? (so that he can force you to leave the house and continue financially supporting him). If there is a chance of that then getting proof of theft and fraud would be a good idea.

ferrier · 30/09/2017 14:39

So he's a stay at home dad then? Hmm
Not wishing to minimise anything else, clearly he has a problem, but if you described a sahm in those terms you'd be pilloried.

LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 14:42

I assumed they weren't his children?

liquidrevolution · 30/09/2017 14:44

He's a cocklodger. Get rid.

You have your proof. If he had come clean and admitted a gambling problem and asked for help I may have had some sympathy but he hasn't.

Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 14:44

They are his children yes. He could be described as a sahd I suppose. But they are at nursery every day, although he does drop off and pick up, Andra with them about 2 hours before I come home.

OP posts:
LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 14:47

Well then you need to see a solicitor. And yes, calling the police is a good idea.

BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2017 14:50

He's not a SAHD. He's a man who isn't working for money or pulling his weight at home instead. And he lies and steals.

Not the role model you want for your kids full time. I'd ask him to move out immediately.

Motherofterriers · 30/09/2017 14:52

If he is gambling online you can probably check his computer to see what sites he has been accessing. Cash might mean going to a bookies though.

Mamabear4180 · 30/09/2017 14:53

I would have left him last year.

I wouldn't stay with someone I didn't trust regardless if my suspicions were correct or not. As he's lied before he needs to prove he didn't steal not you having to prove he did.

Get the bottle to chuck him once and for all. The crap sex and the fact he relies on you for everything just makes it even worse but the main issue is trust. You can't run a successful business with an unemployed gambler on the scene

LTB

SleepFreeZone · 30/09/2017 14:54

Actually there is a way of proving it through covert means if you really feel like you need evidence. Set him up. Set up a camera on somewhere you've left cash, let him in on where the stash is andbadically record him stealing from it. You might have to wait a month or two for him to get comfortable again but I'm sure he will steal it as he won't be able to help himself

SonicBoomBoom · 30/09/2017 14:56

'This incident has made me realise that actually I don't trust you, I can't be in a relationship with you.. goodbye'

This.

You don't need proof.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/09/2017 15:04

You know he's stealing from you, in your heart. Please do the right thing, lose him fast. He is also stealing from your children. I have been in this situation, they lie through their teeth and cry, because they have been found out. ☹️

NC04 · 30/09/2017 15:09

You have to go to the police. Use the fact that it's business money as an added reason to make it official. Surely you have to account for every penny? That £500 will have to make it to the bank somehow. At least a police report should explain matters to whoever would be concerned.

Then leave him.

FeeLock28 · 30/09/2017 15:11

OP, your OH has a primary relationship already and doesn't need anything or anyone else other than as a mechanism to feed his addiction. You will never be able to confront him with sufficient proof to make him 'confess' as there will always be a reason. He will only get help when he decides that he can't control it and wants to stop. This is a major symptom of addiction.

Realistically, you might want to consider getting outside help to deal with extracting yourself and your children from this toxic situation, as it will only get worse and worse. There is no depth to which an addict will not plunge.

Suggest you either do some internet searches for gambler-family support groups (not sure what the MN protocol is for suggesting actual groups); also, consider seeing your GP for support for yourself and your family. He/she will be able to set you on the appropriate pathway.

All the v best with this. You're not the only person in this situation, although it often feels like it.

GladAllOver · 30/09/2017 15:19

Getting a safe or hiding the money is not the answer.
If he is trustworthy you can leave the money in plain sight.
If he is not trustworthy he shouldn't still be with you.

another20 · 30/09/2017 15:28

You have a unanimous response here.

I totally agree with FeedLock28.

I think you will find that this is only the tip of the iceberg - he may have forged cards in your name etc.

I would get some legal advice asap. I am concerned about his status as a SAHD and what he might be able to achieve with respect to custody of the children and you financially supporting him after you leave him.

Personally I would play the long game - set a trap whilst getting all of your legal ducks in a row.

Ifonlylifewasimple · 30/09/2017 15:30

Get proof if you can, then offer to help him get help, then give him an ultimatum!

I grew up in a poor home thanks to my father's gambling addiction. I can't even bring myself to say how much money he has gambled away. My parents are still together but my mum is so bitter. If he won't give up the gambling get out.