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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need to find proof

208 replies

Beenconned · 30/09/2017 13:45

I have good reason to suspect my OH is gambling and stealing money from me. I caught him out last year, he had gambled away over £3000 of family money over a 3 month period.

If I ever question him now he always offers me to check his bank account - but I think he's using another means.

I regularly have cash in the house as sometimes customers pay cash and I can't always get straight to the bank.

So many times bits have gone missing, but I put it down to me having spent it and forgotten.

This time I had a big wad which I hadn't touched as it was hidden away. He knew where it was. I went to get it yesterday so I could pay into bank, and £500 was missing.

I asked him if he knew anything about it and he got really upset, said no way, swore on our kids lives (I bloody hate it when he does that).

But there is no other explanation.

I think he's gambling again, but can't prove it. Any ideas on how I could get proof?

If he is that really would be the end between us.

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/09/2017 15:33

I'm with another20. As painful as it is to not hurl him out asap - I think you need to get everything sorted before you do

I would get legal advice ASAP on Monday. Maybe also police to notify the missing money. Sorry I'm no expert but there are lots of wise people here who will be able to help.

take care Flowers

HughLauriesStubble · 30/09/2017 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MehMehAndMeh · 30/09/2017 15:38

Even if you had CCTV he would claim it wasn't him. That stealing wasn't what he was doing, or any other number of pathetic excuses. Then when he could think of no further lies, he would either start attacking you and saying he is angry you don't trust him and that means there is something going on like cheating ,or he will cry and try to garner sympathy. He will do anything, except stop, because he is an addict. When he can no longer dodge and make excuses, or get sympathy you are a threat to his addiction and he will treat you as such.

CoolCarrie · 30/09/2017 15:42

I tend to agree with pp who said play the long game here. Get legal advice about everything and don't do anything rash at the moment. He sounds like a thief, and taking from you is bad enough, but from your dc is unforgivable. Good luck

Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 15:43

I've spoken to him again and he is still denying it. He's acting hurt that I don't believe him and is saying that I must be making it up to use as an excuse to get rid of him

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 30/09/2017 15:43

I'd put some pressure on him. Tell him that you have some good news - that you checked with the customer that paid you the cash and the notes are marked. Tell him this is a positive development because it means you can phone the police, report the money missing and they can check with local businesses to see if any of the money has turned up locally. That if they do have any of the marked notes then they can check their CCTV and see who has been in and work out when they took it.

All total bullshit obviously, but he may fall for it - and if he does then watch him go pale and panic and bingo, there's the proof, because he'll cave in and the excuses for why he did it will start...

Ellendegeneres · 30/09/2017 15:46

Bollocks. Call the police. Tell them someone's stolen from you, to the tune of £500. Let your waste of space be in the room as you call.
When the police have been, go up, pack his crap and kick him out. He's a thief, he's not your problem anymore. Get him out.

LakieLady · 30/09/2017 15:57

As well as asking him to leave, I'd run credit check OP. I once had a client with a gambling addict partner, he'd taken out cards in her name and all sorts.

She got suspicious because he started hovering about for the postman on Saturdays and making sure he always got to the post before she did. He was intercepting the statements and debt collection letters that were addressed to her.

Tamatoa · 30/09/2017 16:09

Op, maybe a private detective could get you the proof? I'd bet even just an afternoon of following him yourself would show you his habits.
If it's cash money, I'd think he is in the actual bookies. What was his type of gamble? Dogs/horses/machines??

GlitteryFluff · 30/09/2017 16:10

Do you have a cleaner? Any other house help? How old are your kids? Ie could it be any one else?

I agree with others though, you don't need proof, you can end things if you want to.

mummmy2017 · 30/09/2017 16:19

If he is gambling and it's not showing up online is he going to the bookies? in which case just take a photo in and ask if they know him.
I would have a locked box screwed to the floor, and put the cash in that, and tell him to get a job, as he is not helping you, this way you can prove he isn't the main carer of the children as well..

HughLauriesStubble · 30/09/2017 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyMagpie · 30/09/2017 17:19

Tell him it's not an excuse but concretes your plans for getting rid of him anyway

What a prick

Pinkpowerofthought · 30/09/2017 17:19

I have been where you are with the father to my child. I left him seven years ago and it was the best thing I did.
He constantly lied, so much so that I couldn't figure out when he was actually telling the truth about mundane things.
The stealing, lieing etc it just doesn't go away no matter what.
He sounds like my ex. A sponger.

You are successful and can stand on your own two feet.
Leave him. It will be hard and there will be times he makes you feel guilty for leaving or feeling sorry for him but the lies will keep on coming. Gambling addicts will always be liars and cheats. If he can't change for his children then he won't change for anyone

Pinkpowerofthought · 30/09/2017 17:21

I will also say that when my ex stole my money from me he set up a gambling account on betfred in my name and gambled over a grand of my money. Everything I had.

IwantLEGO · 30/09/2017 17:34

Check your credit record, check your bank, check internet history.

LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 17:52

If he's gambling with cash then there won't be any proof. That's why he is using cash to gamble.

Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 18:04

His settings on his laptop are that his internet history gets cleared each session. He also deletes messages from his friends from his phone and never lets his phone out of his sight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 18:07

He's acting like a wounded puppy now. Keeps sighing really loudly. We had planned to talk again tonight but he now says there's no point as I won't believe anything he says anyway. So he went to get himself a bottle of wine - another habit he cannot admit he has a problem with.

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 30/09/2017 18:09

Next time he sighs, I would snap back and ask him if he really finds it so incredible that you suspect him, given his history of stealing £3k of money from you last year and gambling it away.

I would also point out that unless he can find something useful to say then it would be helpful if he could stop sighing and playing the wounded victim - and that he should try and appreciate that "losing" hundreds of pounds in your own home with there being no signs of forced entry or burglary, is worrying to say the least.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 30/09/2017 18:11

But seriously, isn't it time to call it a day? What exactly is this relationship giving you? And if the bloke is so determined to gamble that he steals your wages without a second thought - the wages which are keeping a roof over your kids' heads and food on the table - then he sounds like a shit Father as well.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/09/2017 18:14

Did you tell him you were calling the police to report a theft?

Sorry he's reacting like this. It's very typical liar behaviour. To blame the innocent. Make out like you're being unreasonable. Don't fall for it

MrsMoastyToasty · 30/09/2017 18:18

Protect your income- put child benefit etc and any salary you draw from your business into an account in your sole name (have the statements sent to a trusted relative if necessary).
Start getting your customers to pay by other methods.
Get a night safe bag from your bank for takings.
Check your contents insurance to see how much cover you have for cash kept in the house.

Original poster
Beenconned · 30/09/2017 18:18

I did tell him I was going to involve the police, he just said it was ridiculous as what would they be able to do? Then started saying that he knows I still don't believe him, etc. He's such a twat. Still questioning me now, saying are you sure you didn't take money for this, did you take money for that. I told him, 100%, I'm absolutely certain as I had not touched it since putting it there. 5 mins later he suggests another scenario where I might have taken it.

OP posts:
another20 · 30/09/2017 18:20

Dont antagonise him anymore as he will just cover up even more and you will never find out any proof. He will just, lie and bluster. Addicts never admit anything.

BUT YOU DO KNOW what is happening.

BUT - I am really worried about his SAHP status and how this could blow up in your face wrt him gaining custody and financial support coming from you.