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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need to find proof

208 replies

Beenconned · 30/09/2017 13:45

I have good reason to suspect my OH is gambling and stealing money from me. I caught him out last year, he had gambled away over £3000 of family money over a 3 month period.

If I ever question him now he always offers me to check his bank account - but I think he's using another means.

I regularly have cash in the house as sometimes customers pay cash and I can't always get straight to the bank.

So many times bits have gone missing, but I put it down to me having spent it and forgotten.

This time I had a big wad which I hadn't touched as it was hidden away. He knew where it was. I went to get it yesterday so I could pay into bank, and £500 was missing.

I asked him if he knew anything about it and he got really upset, said no way, swore on our kids lives (I bloody hate it when he does that).

But there is no other explanation.

I think he's gambling again, but can't prove it. Any ideas on how I could get proof?

If he is that really would be the end between us.

OP posts:
scoobykenzer · 01/10/2017 16:40

I’m so sorry for you OP! This is awful and I hope you get through it ok xxx

Motoko · 01/10/2017 16:44

You say you think he'll get another job easily, but that's only if he actually applies for them. He could also deliberately interview badly if he does apply.
Doing that, he can drag out getting another job for months.

I think you need to see a solicitor this week. Find out where you stand legally, re his employment, and the possibility of him going for custody.
Although you don't think he will try, you need to know where you stand legally, just in case. As others have said, he might very well try, because it would mean he doesn't have to work (depending on age of DC) and you'd have to pay him maintenance. He'd also then be able to claim child benefit and tax credits.

What are you doing about the missing money? Are you going to pay it in out of your personal money, or report it stolen?

The long game doesn't have to be long. It can be just putting off kicking him out for a week or two, until you've had legal advice.

MehMehAndMeh · 01/10/2017 17:36

You have given him a chance and told him what you want him to do. He has responded by ramping up the bad behaviour in the hopes that the atmosphere will become so bad, or start to affect the children and you will drop it.

You can head that off by cutting the whole thing shirt and saying, I know I asked you to get another job but you have made things so unbearable and behaved so badly that I now want you out.

If he says this was your plan all along turn it around on him and say, no it was obviously what you wanted because rather than seizing the opportunity to make things better, you actively sought to make them worse and turned the whole affair into a self fulfilling prophecy. All so you could wallow in self pity rather than face your problems.

MehMehAndMeh · 01/10/2017 17:37

Shirt=short

HeebieJeebies456 · 01/10/2017 20:32

You're acting like an idiot, OP.
You seriously think he can't sabotage getting a job? Hmm

The only way he will even get an interview is if YOU apply on his behalf.
The only way he'l attend the interview is if YOU facilitate it.
Then, because you can't do the interview for him, he'll deliberately give a shit impression so they don't hire him.
His excuse will be "but i did everything you said - it's not my fault they didn't pick me"

Why haven't you reported the theft to the police?

There's no 'long game' that needs playing here, OP.
Stop making excuses for yourself, it's tough making that call but you need to end it with him asap.

Original poster
Beenconned · 01/10/2017 20:48

Heebie - you're right. I'm sat up in my bedroom crying my eyes out. Fucking scared for the future. I was a strong and very independent woman before I met him. Now I'm just a bag of nerves - somehow I've managed to grow my business and be a decent mum but inside I feel like absolute nothing.

He won't get a job, why the hell would he. He loves his easy sponging life. He tells everyone (his family, his friends and my family) that I have mental health issues.

I fucking hate him. ARGH!!!

OP posts:
2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 01/10/2017 21:03

Hi.Been read your thread earlier today and wondered how you were ; just coming on to say that I admire you immensely.

You are still the strong woman you used to be and a good mother.

Christ, look at how you have managed today? Yes it's going to be tough , but others on here better placed than me will be able to advise you on stuff.

Good luck OP you can get through this.

Etymology23 · 01/10/2017 21:19

How long has he been employed for? If less than 2 years, then get rid of him as an employee ASAP as life will become much more difficult post 2 years. If more than 2 years then I would suggest contacting a solicitor as you will need to go through a proper dismissal/redundancy purpose, whichever you can wrangle.

Original poster
Beenconned · 01/10/2017 21:40

I'm ashamed to say I had a couple of glasses of wine tonight. I don't normally drink. Just needed an escape. Will sleep now though. Feel so depressed - I suffer with depression and anxiety anyway (fairly mild I suppose) but this just escalates it 10x

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 01/10/2017 21:41

He's been employed for about 3 years. Honestly I don't think he will play that, he's desperate for people to see him as a good guy.

OP posts:
another20 · 01/10/2017 22:27

I predict that the depression and anxiety will magically evaporate once you take back control and relieve yourself of the burden of this abusive, gas-lighting, thieving, alcoholic, gambling, sulking, lazy, gambling, lying, parasitic slob....

Original poster
Beenconned · 02/10/2017 02:38

I think so too. Can't sleep at all tonight. I'm going to tell him to pack his things and leave tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 02/10/2017 03:14

From another perspective, why would you leave money around that he knows about? If he was s heavily addicted smoker who'd been able to quit, would you leave fags around the house? Were you maybe testing him? He clearly has a problem but I think lots of people here don't understand addiction at all

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/10/2017 03:16

Good luck OP. I hope he goes quietly enough.

13Crows · 02/10/2017 07:24

Stay strong and stick to your guns .

Katkincake · 02/10/2017 07:52

Just read the whole thread and posting to wish you luck today, I think you've made the right choice. Hoping he goes without too much of a fuss.

HughLauriesStubble · 02/10/2017 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strongasmeringue · 02/10/2017 07:59

Stay strong. We are all behind you and with you. Your kids will be so much happier with one parent who loves them than two where one is a dick and happily takes money from them.

JenNtonic · 02/10/2017 08:06

No advice just good luck and thinking of you Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2017 08:15

Oh op i can see you’ve had good advice here already.

You don’t need proof to kick him out. The fact that he makes you so so unhappy is reason enough.

Wellonlyifihavetoo · 02/10/2017 08:16

Good luck today op Flowers

Notthatwittyreally · 02/10/2017 08:16

Wishing you luck and I hope today is the start of a new and happier life for you and your kids xoxox

ReanimatedSGB · 02/10/2017 08:38

Have a word with a solicitor/citizens advice/women's aid (stealing from you to fund an addiction is abuse). They will be able to advise you on what steps to take to put him out of the house and stop him stealing any more money from you/repairing your credit record etc.

Don't worry about having told him you want to 'repair' the relationship. You can dump him whenever you like, for any reason you like, and he's used up all his chances.

Good luck.

Original poster
Beenconned · 02/10/2017 09:12

Thank you all Flowers

I feel a mixture of excitement for the future, sadness for my children and fear for what he's going to do.

I will update later.

OP posts:
another20 · 02/10/2017 09:29

Dont be sad for your children. It would be sad if he was a great role model and great partner and was leaving. This is not the case.

You are now showing your children that you get to set boundaries and choose happiness.

Your children already have an amazing mother who has provided and achieved so much - despite the sabotaging wanker - once you have cut him loose - you children will have a wonderful future with a dedicated mother with her MH restored.