Need to find proof

[Beenconned]

I have good reason to suspect my OH is gambling and stealing money from me. I caught him out last year, he had gambled away over £3000 of family money over a 3 month period.

If I ever question him now he always offers me to check his bank account - but I think he's using another means.

I regularly have cash in the house as sometimes customers pay cash and I can't always get straight to the bank.

So many times bits have gone missing, but I put it down to me having spent it and forgotten.

This time I had a big wad which I hadn't touched as it was hidden away. He knew where it was. I went to get it yesterday so I could pay into bank, and £500 was missing.

I asked him if he knew anything about it and he got really upset, said no way, swore on our kids lives (I bloody hate it when he does that).

But there is no other explanation.

I think he's gambling again, but can't prove it. Any ideas on how I could get proof?

If he is that really would be the end between us.

I wonder if you need to do some digging using some of the suggestions on this thread. Weren't people advising you could get credit reports or similar to show he'd been using copious gambling sites?

If you're absolutely sure this is the end then you need to start playing hardball and find some evidence that will bury him.

Someone who does the bulk of the childcare, is the sole breadwinner and keeps the house together sounds to me like someone who is managing any MH problems magnificently. As others have pointed out, courts hear the old "she's not stable" chestnut with every other hearing. I wouldn't put money on your STBX coming off well here.

Good luck, OP. You are WELL shot of this thieving cocklodger.

I'd definitely speak to a lawyer - but I think the first step with 50/50 would be to ping it STRAIGHT back to him asking how that would work.

'Ok great. Yes I think 50/50 is a great idea. How will this work? Right now here are the things I do (big list) and here are the responsibilities you take on (school runs/after school care). You need to find a job, so of course you won't be doing the after nursery care but that's fine, we will fund a childminder until the first person is home each day. We will also have to split nursery runs - again, fine. It's probably better that I stay doing it all until you find a job and we know your hours. When we do, we'll split every other weekend and certain weekday evenings. Laundry will be 50/50, we will need equal nights cooking, remember there will be totally separate food shops and you will fund 50% of their food and me the other 50%....

He might then come back with 'But I'm a stay at home dad, blah, I should continue and you pay maintenance...'

• and that's the point at which you say - Hang on. You know that's not what you do. I've just listed everything I currently do and you haven't denied that. You've also initially said you 'want 50/50' so until I listed all the jobs you'd now have to do, it hadn't even occurred to you that you are a 'stay at home dad'. Sounds like you just want to sponge to me, they're in nursery and the bottom line is we can't afford for either person to stay home. I'm not budging, so if that's your attitude we take it to court.

Get all those conversations recorded on email - making sure you list your jobs and the daily run of responsibilities - then when he replies, you've got proof that he hasn't argued that he already does the bulk, therefore 'SAHD'.

Well he has caused your anxiety and depression. Be honest. As a PP has said, a huge amount of people in this world have some form of mental health problem. Huge amounts are taking anti depressants or similar. That doesn't make them poor parents.

You are the employed one out of the pair of you so I think that speaks volumes all on its own.

Dont be scared of his manipulation - there are professionals who have seen this time and time again.

If you are scared of him physically then report to the police.

Block his number and tell him that you are only contactable by email. Then you can divert all emails to a folder and just read then once a week, or when you are ready - maybe with a friend or on advice of solicitor on how to respond.

You do need to see a solicitor asap so that you are clear of the parameters that you are working within and clear that you dont put a foot wrong wrt access and money as well as your role as his employer.

How can he claim to be a SAHD when he is on your pay-roll?

Where he has prior for gambling and there is no logical explanation for missing money I would cut him loose. Dont let him talk you round - he sounds like a charmer and clearly knows he is on to a good thing

remember not all "good" lawyers will agree with your so make sure yo ustill get the good ones who are on your side.the ones that can play hard but at the heart is a mother and her kids.you don't want someone that will fall for his tosh.but neither have a compatible peronsality with him so they just clash and wind eachotehr up until its just a fight winding up and no one comes out well.
don't be scared.i no some of the best mum/dads who suffer with some mental health problems some severe and they cope and are the greatest of parent partly more so because their empathy is greater.
and if he fights with this then like you said show hm well actually since ive finally seen the light with you my mood ad abilities has gone through the roof with goodness.
don't let your fear trap you into your own spiraling mind state hun.fear is a reaction to some event that contacted your emotions ad hit them into overdrive.which has hit your body tense you up,clutched your tummy and makde you go into fight flight story telling mind situation.so STOP THE MIND now and take some real deep breathes.come back to the now and what actually happeing.dont fear the what if.make sure you living right now and sortig what you can in this moment.take thenn,each moment at a time.baby steps.
you've made some brave step here.some brave decisions.that amazing.lift yourself up at how strong you are.how much of a good mum it takes to make these kind of decisions for you and them.
keep fighting but not yourself or your fears.fight outward to him.and fight for your future.
you can do this.

Hi OP I'm a long term lurker. Had to sign in to say you are doing great. I'm so impressed you have got him out. He was making your life miserable, feeding off you. Could not have been a good home atmosphere for you and the kids. THings will really start to improve for you now.

Don't worry that he has texts saying you felt anxious - who hasn't had a spell of anxiety or worry in their life. Especially someone living with a master manipulator.

Yes you do need to remain strong. YOu need to understand what arguements he is going to use against you so that you have the counter point. Remember you are not unstable, you are not insult he throws at you they are simply insults from someone who wants to bully and manipulate you.

I don't have any experience of lawyers. WHy not contact womans aid - even though you don't need financial support they have the experience of dealing with manipulators, controlers so can support you with that and potentially could help you get the right lawyer.

he will not give up control of you without a fight. Do not give in to him. In time when he realises he has no hold on you he will move on. I think Woman's AId have the experience you need now.

Wow, lucky, lucky bloke.

M4Dad, what do you mean?

That he met someone like you.

Sorry, I read the first few pages and them commented, it wasn't until just now that I realised that you are leaving him. He's certainly not lucky you're leaving him

OP, by chucking him out, I think you've overcome the biggest hurdle i.e. accepting the relationship was toxic for you and your kids. Well done!

I don't know anything about custody but would a court give 50/50 custody to someone who doesn't have a home or an income AND has a gambling addiction? Your now ex can waffle as much as he likes about your mental health but he'll have to supply evidence from a doctor/mental health professional. Texts saying you are down/anxious are not evidence and you can also counter that by saying how much better you feel now that he's gone.
Ultimately you are the bread winner and the court will put the interest of the kids first and foremost.

As many pp have said, report the theft to the police, mention the gambling addiction and that it's not the first time he steals from you. Also mention he's getting nasty and that you are afraid. Even if the police doesn't take it seriously, you will have a record which may come in useful in court and it sends a powerful signal to ex you are not to be messed with.
Definitely get legal advice. Once the sponger realizes the cash supply has dried up, he'll move on to the next victim. Help him come to that conclusion as fast as you can!

This was the first message he sent me after we spoke;

As i always feared you would do. Completely leave me in the lurch financially and you said you would never do! Brilliant

Also when we spoke he didn't even ask how it would work for the kids, he could only talk about money / housing / what was I going to do to help him

You have so done the right thing, stay strong my Lovely, we're here for you. 🌺
He is a life sucking parasite, your anxiety levels will drop soon.

Right. Make some time this afternoon to contact Women's Aid, and ask them if they have a list of solicitors they recommend. Then ring some of the solicitors and make an appointment.

The sooner you do this, the sooner you will know where you stand. Once you know where you stand, you'll feel less worried when he tries to manipulate you.

You started this thread on Saturday, it's now Wednesday, and although you've kicked him out, you don't seem to have done any of the other things you've been advised, like reporting the theft, looking at credit reports or seeing a solicitor. Knowledge is power and you will feel stronger when you have that knowledge.

Don't worry about him using the "mental health" card. It's a very common tactic used by abusers to keep control. The courts see it all the time.

Now, go and get that knowledge!

There's a thead on here re women with abusinve Ex only communicating via email - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3025752-To-refuse-face-to-face-meetings-with-EA-ex?pg=10

Mayber you should start now using email only so that he can't twist your words and you have a record of communications.

Of course his only interest is in how you are going to help him financially, you knew that would be the case. Is he still your employee? You need to speak to Woman's Aid, get solicitor recommendations and get speaking to solicitors who can help you untangle from this man.

You are doing brilliant, you've taken the big step to get rid now get smart and make sure the split is in your favour. He's taken enough.

Do you have friends /family you can talk to?

Sorry I’ve not rtft so apologies if someone said this already but op you need to get a safe in the house to keep the cash from work in - and don’t tell him the code

I have checked my credit file and nothing unexpected on there.

I'm still not sure about contacting the police. I will speak to a lawyer first, phoning around this afternoon.

It's becoming clear then only thing he cares about is himself.

I do have family support and they are wonderful.

Good to know you have a wonderful family. Hope you find the right lawyer.

So you are living with and entirely funding a lying cocklodger who is stealing your cash, gambling it away and then trying to convince you that you have "miscounted" by £500 and then turning on the waterworks?

Fuck me.

You think getting proof is priority? The proof is the money disappearing.

Jesus, throw him out now.

Well done for kicking him out !!!! You are brilliant.

Am I right in thinking that you're not married? If that's right he has next to no rights to anything except access and that can be arranged by emai. A solicitor would suggest mediation but you can say he's emotionally abusive and refuse. There's very little rights for people not married and linked by kids, he might get legal aid but the fact is they will not get anywhere near court as they are refusing to go further than mediation they don't want to go to court.

He sounds useless, him sounding off is ridiculous, ignore it.

For gods sake woman - he's escalating his abuse and you're still dithering over whether to report him to the police for theft of your business takings!!!

REPORT HIM! Whether he gets prosecuted etc doesn't matter.
It forms part of the paper trail/evidence of his abuse and gaslighting in the relationship.
You're going to need every bit of evidence.
The police report will make a dent in his credibility and personal integrity, combined with his failure to pay maintenance or do actual 50/50 care, this could work out better for you and the dc

He's all bark and false bravado, so ignore the 'fear' and get on with reporting him.

Put a claim in for maintenance too asap.
He's going to dig himself a big hole here and show his real colours!

Please please report for theft - you're going to need evidence against him if you think he'll go for 50/50, so it will really really help you.

Record all conversations, try to keep contact to texts and email so you have everything he says and does there.

Diarise everything.