AIBU to be pissed off with hearing this phrase from DH?

[KitKat1985]

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

Basically this phrase means to me that he doesn't ever take the initiative to plan or think about what needs doing and that I'm apparently in charge of everything around the house and he'll do something if I 'delegate' it to him but otherwise won't think to do it. Why do I always have to be the one that thinks about what needs doing domestically? Like what cleaning needs doing, or that we're about to run out of bread, or that we need to buy a present for a party at the weekend. Why can't he ever work out for himself that if the laundry bin is full that probably means we need to put some laundry on without me having to specifically point it out? Or that it will never occur to him to hoover or clean anything unless I've specifically asked him to do it? He's 36 and not an idiot FFS. Surely he can take some responsibility for thinking sometimes about what needs to be done sometimes without me having to specifically ask?

AIBU? I know I'm lucky that he will do stuff if I ask him to do it which is better than some men, but I just find it so irksome that it's never off his own back. He always has to be asked to do something.

Do we have the same husband? I flipped at this when our twins were a few months old and he got the message slightly.... very slightly. It's not like he doesn't help but I'm sick of being the one who has to be in control of what needs doing and when. YANBU

YAB a bit U.

It is annoying though.

The Mental Load

DH is sometimes prone to this kind of bullshit , I helpfully point out that there are no magic fairies in the house that ask me to crack on with the fucking stuff that needs doing-he usually gets my point.

Infuriating! Definitely the mental load as pointed out. Women still have themselves, all the kids, school, work (if relevant) and house in their heads. Men have them and their work.

I totally agree. We have the same issue. Like my DH will put washing on but then not dry it. He'd never think to change the towels, or clean the fridge out.
this article has been shared several times on my FB this morning.

He's delegated the thinking of what to do as wife's work. He is being totally unreasonable.

My oh and I divide tasks up fairly. He does all of the laundry which means he was running around ironing a scouts uniform. Not the way I'd do things but I don't get involved. If one o us is extra busy, we ask for help.

We both have about the same to do.

Why opheliacat?

I'm telling you to use your initiative.

YANBU. Honestly, just what goes on in the heads of these people, many of whom are perfectly capable in their jobs without being told what to do?

I suppose because not everybody notices stuff. I am very much of the view of open your mouth and speak, though.

There's a great French comic on the subject.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

WIFEWORK!

This is him absolving himself of all domestic responsibility and making you de facto project manager of ALL domestic tasks and requirements.

Utterly unfair.

Love NoRoom's reply about the magic fairies btw

My ex used to be like this and it drove me mad its like having an extra child.

I'd come home on my work days (we split childcare) to washing up left, washing machine not emptied etc. when I'd say couldn't you have washed up? "You didn't ask me to".

No one ever asks me to do anything I just do these things to keep the house running and it drove me bonkers having to baby him into doing anything.

YANBU. This drives me absolutely mad.

OK, so now you stop doing his laundry, his packed lunch, his ironing, cooking meals for him, and when he questions it say 'If you wanted me to do something, you only had to ask. I thought that was how we ran things now?'

Yanbu - my DH seems to find putting empty packets/wrappers in the recycling or bin an impossibility. Just left on the cooker. It's very annoying

DH said once "I've tidied up for you." I said that considering everything he'd tidied up had been his own, he'd only tidied up for himself.

I've said to mine before that I feel like one of those jelly bean dispensers because for every task/job/etc I do there are a million more waiting to cascade down on me, whereas he is more of an empty shelf that needs someone to go round back and find the box of jelly beans and place a single one on the shelf each time. When that jelly bean is eaten all thought of jelly beans are gone until someone goes round back and gets a new one.
It is frustrating.

My dp does stuff around the house - luckily he lived on his own for several years. However, he will do things like fill the dishwasher and forget to switch it on, or cook dinner and forget to turn the gas hob off. (quote - "that keeps happening to me")
Or he does some supermarket shopping - when I have JUST BEEN.
Communication is shit in our house.

XH#1 promised he would wash some of DDs baby clothes and left them in the machine where the spilled milk went mouldy quite quickly. He was unemployed and I was teaching at the time. It fitted into the science curriculum quite nicely so I took them in to work and made a "point" out of it to the girls and boys in my class.

Was told by the SMT observing that an OFSTED inspector would have failed me for a breach of health and safety. I'm no longer a teacher

Wornoutbear put them in his coat pockets or work bag. Bet you they then somehow find their way to the bin

Don’t enable him. Divide up between you what needs doing and you don’t any responsibility for things he is doing. For example for us I sort out everything to do with laundry - making sure it is washed, dried, ready for the ironing lady, taken for dry cleaning and put in the wardrobes/cupboards. DH is the cook - he cooks the meals, cleans up the kitchen, dishwasher on and then emptied.