AIBU to be pissed off with hearing this phrase from DH?

[KitKat1985]

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

Basically this phrase means to me that he doesn't ever take the initiative to plan or think about what needs doing and that I'm apparently in charge of everything around the house and he'll do something if I 'delegate' it to him but otherwise won't think to do it. Why do I always have to be the one that thinks about what needs doing domestically? Like what cleaning needs doing, or that we're about to run out of bread, or that we need to buy a present for a party at the weekend. Why can't he ever work out for himself that if the laundry bin is full that probably means we need to put some laundry on without me having to specifically point it out? Or that it will never occur to him to hoover or clean anything unless I've specifically asked him to do it? He's 36 and not an idiot FFS. Surely he can take some responsibility for thinking sometimes about what needs to be done sometimes without me having to specifically ask?

AIBU? I know I'm lucky that he will do stuff if I ask him to do it which is better than some men, but I just find it so irksome that it's never off his own back. He always has to be asked to do something.

I suppose because not everybody notices stuff.

If I had no clean clothes, no dinner, no clean crockery, no card or gift for the birthday party I'm about to go to....I'd notice. I'm pretty sure the average man is just as capable of noticing too.

Oh yes! Current Ex pretty good at housework but expected a huge applause every time and also moaned if people took advantage. Then got annoyed if I didn't ask.

DH actually moved a full laundry basket to the side when it was at the top of the stairs and went down for a leisurely breakfast and finished his book. DS was less than 2 weeks old and only sleeping between 6ish and 9ish in the mornings. Apparently it was too much to expect a grown man to see the basket THAT HE PICKED UP and make the connection to put them in the machine. That was when I told him to go back to work and get out of the way.

It's lazy, it's entitled, it's passing the mental load off to you...yet so many men seem to do it.

I cut through this bullshit with my DH by taking the following steps.

1. Cleaning/shopping/cooking rota done every weekend by both of us.

1. I do not make myself responsible for washing/ironing his clothes/prompting him to buy his family birthday presents/cards.

1. Repeat as required

That was when I told him to go back to work and get out of the way.

Mission accomplished.

Take him at his word.

Tell him you'd like him to undertake a huge and comprehensive lists of domestic tasks including DIY, buying presents, planning Christmas, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom floors, etc etc.

My DH used to say that sort of thing a lot, 'I've put on a load of washing for you'. Hmmm, no, your washing is in there too, I used to say.

What got to me most, though, was when I used to ask if he could prepare the tea on whatever day and he'd say, 'if you'll show me what you've planned.' I would say, 'Just look in the fridge/freezer and see what's there.' No-brainer, you would think???

I was married to a man for 5 years like this. I had a mental breakdown and was signed off work for 6 months and I asked him to take responsibility around the house. He said if I told him what to do he would make sure he did it. So far removed from taking responsibility!

I am in a relationship with a woman now and it's amazing! She puts washing in and takes it out without being asked. She laughs at me when I say thank you.

Never understood the need to clear up more than once a week.

I wash things when I run out of clothes or dishes.

I'm a woman and a bit like this though. I don't really notice stuff and I'm not at very domestic. I've always worked full time and I think my 'noticing stuff' energy gets used up at work. DH carries the mental load in our house. I do feel guilty about but he seems ok with it (married 30+years).

I do the mental load of anything related to DCs schools though, as I work in a school, so dates/deadlines/dinner money/ forms are second nature to me.

As my children bacame teenagers I found this got bigger and bigger. So I wrote down a big sheet of stuff that needed doing every week and everyone has to do 3 chores each plus 1 kitchen day. This soon got the whole I have done x for you to go plus none of the "just tell me what to do" dh tried to weedle out of it by sayi g he had done the garden. Que me sayong lets add garsen stuff to the sheet as the chores inside doesnt get smaller due to added outside stuff. They got the point

YANBU.

Mental load. As others have said.

It's funny isn't it - an adult male can choose to live with someone, in a house with all that entails, the good, the bad, the mundane but they can't be expected to notice what needs doing, year in, year out because they're male.

Definitely use the magic fairy argument. I have a colleague who adopted the view years ago that doing it herself was easier than asking her h repeatedly to do things or him doing them 'badly'. Now she has 5 adult children living with them too and she is still doing everything for everyone.

Don't let him avoid the responsibilities he willingly chose when he decided to live with you. He has eyes and a brain. Power to you op!

Haha - I laughed when I read that OP.
My exP said the exact same things no , made me so bad. Been separated a year! He was also a cocklodger and manchild!

*mad not bad!

Calling all mothers of boys.

Please read this thread and raise them to understand the mental load and to do their share.

It will decimate the number of MIL threads in the future of MN

What is the mental load?

Here asdad

Read and never forget!

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

You know.. I used to say that, and then when I was ill I asked him to help out 'if you think it needs doing, please do!"

But that went very wrong.... my stbExH started doing ALL the housework, and then wouldn't let me go back to doing it once I was well, and instead turned it into an abusive stick to beat me with and started making out I was lazy and worthless for not doing it, when I never had the chance because he did it all.. and when I DID do some of it, was never good enough for his standards.

I'd much rather have a man who asked me to tell him what to do, than go through being made to feel like a lazy, worthless piece of shit again.

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

I think I've got the answer to this - though I have no confidence it will work: 'great! What I want you to do is to take responsibility for the (laundry/shopping/whatever tedious 'wifework' task). If you ever need my help with it, of course just ask.'

Calling all mothers of boys.
and fathers?

OP YADNBU!

Oddsocks that's a great analogy.

Thank you TheLegendOfBeans

Luckily it doesnt apply to me

I love this about my husband (and no he is not a dick! )

The house is mine mine mine! He is great at his job, lovely with the kids - but he has a shit eye for what makes a home or a good parent. I'm the family director.

I planned to be this way my whole life - parent and homemaker. He didn't even want to get married or have kids until we fell in love.

I feel totally supported, safe and secure. But if I want specific jobs done I write a list and he sees to them. And he does see to them. Imagine if I threw my toys from the pram and told him he had to read my mind too!

"Darling why are you mad?"

"Because I had to ask you to do something and then you fucking well did it, you bastard!"

He is not a pet or a child to be trained. He is not a social experiment. He is not someone I should avoid enabling. I actively enable this behaviour. I love our balanced relationship.

The home is MY domain. If he wasn't with me he would still live like a bachelor. If I wasn't with him the house would be maintained as it is currently.

He is not a dick. He is the man I love who loves me and based on good communication we have decided this works well for us.

The issue is not the issue. The issue is always the relationship and poor communication.

Why oh Why do so many women keep inventing more stuff to do that isn't important? And as for actually being ready to go out...............
Clean clothes, crockery, vacuuming etc fine, no problem.