AIBU to be pissed off with hearing this phrase from DH?

[KitKat1985]

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

Basically this phrase means to me that he doesn't ever take the initiative to plan or think about what needs doing and that I'm apparently in charge of everything around the house and he'll do something if I 'delegate' it to him but otherwise won't think to do it. Why do I always have to be the one that thinks about what needs doing domestically? Like what cleaning needs doing, or that we're about to run out of bread, or that we need to buy a present for a party at the weekend. Why can't he ever work out for himself that if the laundry bin is full that probably means we need to put some laundry on without me having to specifically point it out? Or that it will never occur to him to hoover or clean anything unless I've specifically asked him to do it? He's 36 and not an idiot FFS. Surely he can take some responsibility for thinking sometimes about what needs to be done sometimes without me having to specifically ask?

AIBU? I know I'm lucky that he will do stuff if I ask him to do it which is better than some men, but I just find it so irksome that it's never off his own back. He always has to be asked to do something.

Re DDs' washing, I actually prefer DH to leave it to me to sort out. Otherwise they'll be in the wrong piles. I don't know why it's hard to work out that clothes size 8-9 are for DD1 and sizes 5-6 are for DD2. Obvious, you would have thought??

My ex does this he literally has no clue about his own children's needs

Mysteryfaiiry
Was going to suggest same thing

Women have to carry the mental load. Haven't figured out how to delegate this either

It's a mystery

"Don’t enable him. Divide up between you what needs doing"
Why does the woman always have to be the one to suggest "dividing up", to be the one to know what all needs done, or to make rotas etc. Why does the man never say "you're right, this is riddulous, I'll buy a calender, start trying to keep track of my own shit, do x and y every week, and use my initiative henceforth".

"I suppose because not everybody notices stuff. I am very much of the view of open your mouth and speak, though"
"Open your mouth and speak" gives me the rage. Why do I need to ask an adult man, to lift his skiddy boxers off the floor, where he left them laying. Or that you need to clean a toilet, if you leave skids in the bowl. Or that dishes must eventually be cleaned, mucky floors mopped etc. That if you've finished a packet of crisps, and the packet falls under a table, it won't magically teleport to the bin. It's lazy, selfish entitlement, knowing you can hang your fiddle at the door and switch your brain off, and only think about yourself, and not housework, kids etc, because someone else is doing that for you. It's like they revert to being children again in a way if they ever really "grew up" in the first place, only instead of the only thing they have to focus on/put mental effort into being schoolwork, it's just work. Men can manage just fine when they need to (lone parent dad's can do just as good a job as lone parent mums).

Work women strike.
Currently doing that as I have not filled the dishwasher, washing machine or vacuumed up for a year. Nor have I cut the lawn, finished gravelling the drive or repaired the solar panels.
My house is fine though.

WickedLazy can you imagine the uproar if a dh dared to suggest a rota!? Can you image the aibu?

My dh wants to 'divide' the household task using a rota, he even showed me a 'first draft' to look over - aibu to think this takes mansplaining to a whole other level?!

I tried the dividing with exp. I said just do the bloody bins as in emptying them and putting them out Sunday night. He couldn't even do that without reminding

I seem to be the lucky one - OH has always seen stuff that needs doing and got on with it.

But there is a downside - he is a bit obsessional, so his "muddle/filth threshold" is much lower than mine and the obsessional traits do have a certain irritant value at times!

I would be totally happy with a rota if my partner did the delegated task without being asked

Queenofthedrivensnow If he only has one task no wonder he forgets though. You know how they say 'if you want something done ask a busy person'? Well he needs to have a routine of doing something each day. Every evening checking the list and doing what is required. Much easier to establish a daily habit than a weekly habit.

Now I'm single it's astonishing I manage to put the bins out every week....

Haha I imagine you do all the other household tasks too if you are single.

You know the song 'There's a hole in my bucket'. That's what it's like with my dp.

Me- please will you pick something up for tea
Dp- what shall I get?
Me-anything, I'm not fussy
Dp- what do we already have?
Me-have a look in the kitchen
Dp- can you just decide and do me a list?

It's fucking painful to watch. The other night I had to take ds ontoA&E, nothing serious but we left at 6 and didn't get home until 9.30. We couldn't eat there and dp knew this. There was some leftover pasta bake in the fridge that could be reheated in 3 minutes. I had planned to have that when I got home. Dp had eaten it. He said 'you should have said!'. No dp, you should have thought.

Are you saying all you have to do is say 'the basket is full can you throw a load of coloureds on,' he does it - but you are mad you have to ask?
If you have noticed it is full why haven't you done it?
If you haven't noticed why do you expect him to?
I just don't get it. How hard is it to ask for help?

Why is it my task to figure out what needs to be doing and to delegate? I'm not a household manager, I'm one of 2 adult people who live here.
Why would I be the default person to check the basket and put laundry on?
Why is doing his and DC's laundry 'helping me'?

Indubiousbattle that is incredibly poor behaviour. I would have called dh as we left the hospital to put dinner on for us all to be ready when we came home.

Dh wouldn't have eaten without finding out the plan for the evening. That's really selfish behaviour.

MyHusbandIsNotADick

Why would a man saying he wanted to divide things up differently, or wasn't happy with how things were, be considered to be mansplaining? You were the one upthread stating how important it was to communicate values and needs etc.

You seem to be not getting the gist of this thread at all. You've missed the point that most women have communicated values, needs etc many times. Often even before the relationship has gotten serious. It doesn't take long to suss how people feel about obvious things. Do you buy dh's family's cards/gifts when needed, etc? Does he just ask you to do the buying when the time comes, or the remembering too? Your dh could be a god among men, his arse could be studded with diamonds, he could even have sunshine coming out of his arse, but not all men are so wonderful, and not all women are so happy with their mental loads.

Oh wicked, I'll leave it there with you now. I'm not willing to have a conversation with you while you take that tone.

Why did you put job in inverted commas Errol?

Because doing housework and childcare isn't a 'paid position of regular employment'. I've got one of those.

Correct. So I don't know why you didn't write responsibility. A job was the wrong definition.

But I'm sure you didn't mean to come across as dismissive or rude to any sahm's reading this.

Sorry, posted too soon. If one partner does consider the housework and childcare to be their job, and has the appropriate financial recompense (control of money, now and 'pension') and respect for what they do, then fine. Maybe you do, MHINAD - But many SAHM partners really do not have that.

Xpost ...I certainly don't mean to be dismissive or rude to SAHM - it is however a problem that the work they do is too often undervalued. As is the work-at-home done by many WOHM women.

Yes, I agree with that. There must be fair access to all money. We are certainly a 'one pot' family. I suppose I get tired with the broad brush painting that goes on - my experience is not that. However I can see how I could paint myself into a corner if I did equate dh caring about me with dh being able to read my mind or adopt every one of my values as his own.

Any problems we have ever encountered have been resolved with respectful (sometime difficult) communication.

Exactly what my DH says. He doesn't seem to get the level of planning, organising, prioritising, managing etc that goes into running a house, cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, overseeing homework, music practices, doing school run, transporting DCs to activities etc.
We both work full time at the exact same job at the same level of seniority but for different employers, but he gets off almost scott free on home/kid stuff. I have to call him one hour before he is due to pick up kids as he will forget - every single time without fail, even things that have been in the diary in the same slot for years. He can't even get DCs bedtimes into his head or grasp the simple routine of PJs, teeth, book, sleep. Rant over! I feel better.