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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be pissed off with hearing this phrase from DH?

261 replies

KitKat1985 · 30/09/2017 09:53

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

Basically this phrase means to me that he doesn't ever take the initiative to plan or think about what needs doing and that I'm apparently in charge of everything around the house and he'll do something if I 'delegate' it to him but otherwise won't think to do it. Why do I always have to be the one that thinks about what needs doing domestically? Like what cleaning needs doing, or that we're about to run out of bread, or that we need to buy a present for a party at the weekend. Why can't he ever work out for himself that if the laundry bin is full that probably means we need to put some laundry on without me having to specifically point it out? Or that it will never occur to him to hoover or clean anything unless I've specifically asked him to do it? He's 36 and not an idiot FFS. Surely he can take some responsibility for thinking sometimes about what needs to be done sometimes without me having to specifically ask?

AIBU? I know I'm lucky that he will do stuff if I ask him to do it which is better than some men, but I just find it so irksome that it's never off his own back. He always has to be asked to do something.

OP posts:
hmmmm01 · 05/10/2017 22:07

Have not had time to read all the replies... But OMG
YANBU! I could have written this. Drives me mad! I often feel like i have 4 kids ( I don't I have 3...) Why can some dads not realise they are a parent too and that comes with responsibility. What if I didn't think about the present for the 2 parties this weekend, or making the dentist appointment for the eldest, or getting the youngest new shoes... etc etc. Aaarrgghhh!

Numptey · 06/10/2017 15:07

I decided to register after seeing yet another internet (viral) comment on how bad men are, what we do wrong and how useless we are. Yes I know some men are complete assholes and I know we don't always do things correctly or in the order women want them done. But we are not all complete idiots, uncaring or lazy.

Men and women are very different, not sure if you've noticed as it looks like women (not all women) expect us to think, feel and react the same as them and when we don't we are bad people. We do not see the world as you see it, we do not feel the world as you feel it and we do not prioritise things as you do. This doesn't make us bad people, it makes us different to you. How comes people understand (not always) that you have to allow for people of different races, religions and cultures who think differently. Well men are a different race so cut us some slack.

I work in a job I don't enjoy and cant get out of. If I am lucky I get to spend some time with the baby (lately often asleep) and teenager (in his room) while my wife works (she works very hard) and then I do some chores. I rarely sleep more than 4 hours for many reasons and when the baby was born I took all the night shifts to allow my wife to rest. Do I remember to do the washing? No, Do I remember to get the vacuum cleaner out? No. But my wife's car seems to fix itself, maintain itself, MOT itself and tax and insure itself and fill itself with petrol. When something needs fixing in the house it miraculously mends itself overnight or in the few hours I might have free at the weekend. Oh and the shopping apparently just arrives in our fridge.

I miss my children everyday, I rarely get to see all those special moments as they grow up and I can never get them back. I'm often stressed and worried about paying the bills and my job or my health, so they don't always get the dad they deserve. They sometimes get the asshole I don't like.

Could I do all the chores around the house, make dinner and take the children to playgroups and make sure they are dressed correctly if that was on my mind most of the day. Hell yes! Maybe not as good a job as the wife does, but I would certainly try. Not constantly worrying about who pays the bills or fixes things would make my mind so much clearer to think in the first place.

If the worst problem you have is having to ask your husband to do something for you and the worse thing you can think to put out to the world is that he says "if you want me to do something, tell me" you need to take a good look at the world around you.

Do you have food and water? Many don't.
Are you constantly getting shot at, abused or tortured? Many are.
Does your husband abuse you, hurt your kids, sleep with your best friend? Many do.
Can you vote, drive a car, walk down the street safely? Many cant.

If you always look for the negative, your life will be negative. If you always see the positive, your life will be positive.

The wife taught me that, she's often right

TyneTeas · 06/10/2017 15:32

Do you have the minutes of the meeting where it was decided that that represented the sole and universal view of all men and you were elected to report back Numptey?

ErrolTheDragon · 06/10/2017 15:38

Numpty seems a fairly appropriate name...of course we know that NAMALT. Mine generally isn't, and improves continually. And no, men are not a 'different race' from women - as the fact that NAMALT proves.

Quartz2208 · 06/10/2017 15:45

Numpty I am not sure your post actually shows what you want it to say, because what you are actually saying is that people have a worst life than the poster so suck it up whilst simultaneously saying that your life is so bad that you cant possibly be expected to know what to do. Because worrying about the bills and how to fix things make it all ok.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/10/2017 09:11

Ah yes, manly men doing manly stuff and can't waste their brain on those mundane tasks. (not even starting on the 'you should be grateful he's not beating you)
Except that
a) I haven't noticed any fairies paying the bills in my house. Or taking the car to be serviced, which is about once a year event and really doesn't require that much headspace for the rest of the time. I still do the rest too.
b) the things that most women here are complaining about are really basic everyday things. Nothing that requires extensive training or specialist knowledge, just engaging your brain just a little.

Take the same 'But I don't know how to dress the kids!! just tell me!' . It's winter. Do you go out in a t-shirt yourself? No, you manage to put a coat on - so is it really so hard to figure out that a cotton dress might not be weather-appropriate? There's a dirty plate, a 3-year old can figure out that some action needs to be taken to get it clean, you don't need your wife to point it out.

Men who manage to hold various positions at work - but suddenly become some kind of hapless half-wits at home, needing even the most basic tasks pointed out? No, I don't buy it.

IfNot · 07/10/2017 11:08

Well I must be superhuman because I manage to be the sole breadwinner, fill the fridge, sort the car (which takes very little time actually) make sure the kid has warm clothes, play the dinner money, sort the medication, change the light bulbs, vacuum, put up the odd shelf, clean the bathroom and all the rest of it all by myself with no one telling me what to do!
If only I had a wife .
If I did, I would be able to say that I just don't have the same standards or see things in the same way, and thats why I couldn't possibly do a load of washing or clean what's obviously dirty.
I could also make sure she feels damn grateful I'm not fucking her sister or beating her up.
Sadly, since I don't have a wife, I will just continue on being an adult and a competent parent (whilst running a business). I also manage a good 7 hours a night. See? Superhuman, obvs.
Or just not a man who is awfully resentful about all the "helping" he feels he does.

Witsender · 07/10/2017 20:27

My husband is fucking awesome, but if he tried to claim he didn't notice that the hoovering needed doing but maintained the cars I would have to point out that the hoovering, tidying, cooking, washing, bill paying, sorting etc get done every day. I doubt the same can be said for car maintenance, grass cutting etc.

Men and women aren't so different that one sex sees dirt and one doesn't. If you have any actual science to back that up feel free to share. Otherwise what you are talking about is conditioning, which is precisely what most posters are rejecting. And certainly isn't what I want modelling to my children.

lemonzest123 · 11/10/2017 15:03

Well men are a different race so cut us some slack

Oh pull the other one Hmm

WickedLazy · 22/12/2017 13:01

"If the worst problem you have is having to ask your husband to do something for you and the worse thing you can think to put out to the world is that he says "if you want me to do something, tell me" you need to take a good look at the world around you."

Hmm
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