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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with hearing this phrase from DH?

261 replies

KitKat1985 · 30/09/2017 09:53

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

Basically this phrase means to me that he doesn't ever take the initiative to plan or think about what needs doing and that I'm apparently in charge of everything around the house and he'll do something if I 'delegate' it to him but otherwise won't think to do it. Why do I always have to be the one that thinks about what needs doing domestically? Like what cleaning needs doing, or that we're about to run out of bread, or that we need to buy a present for a party at the weekend. Why can't he ever work out for himself that if the laundry bin is full that probably means we need to put some laundry on without me having to specifically point it out? Or that it will never occur to him to hoover or clean anything unless I've specifically asked him to do it? He's 36 and not an idiot FFS. Surely he can take some responsibility for thinking sometimes about what needs to be done sometimes without me having to specifically ask?

AIBU? I know I'm lucky that he will do stuff if I ask him to do it which is better than some men, but I just find it so irksome that it's never off his own back. He always has to be asked to do something.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2017 16:47

Any problems we have ever encountered have been resolved with respectful (sometime difficult) communication.

Well, thats good. The thing is though, communication is a two way process. Maybe not all women are good at articulating the issue. Maybe some don't feel sufficiently empowered to communicate clearly. But I am inclined to think the larger part of communication failure tends to be on the receiving end in this case.

WickedLazy · 30/09/2017 16:54

I'm single now, just ds and I, and it's amazing how much smaller my mental load is, without an extra person to worry about, remind to do things (dp would often ask me to remind him about things, so he could happily think about something else, or use me as a scapgate if I forgot), clean up after etc. Even not going to use loo roll, get a packet of crisps etc and realising there's non left even ds is considerate enough to let me know we've run out, or asking me would I mind if he used the last of something/offering to split it is such a relief. Things like filling out school forms etc are still my responsibility. Because if I didn't, it wouldn't get done, the dc would suffer, and ex would just use it that as an example of "bad parenting". There would be no point asking why the fuck he didn't do it, he would just say "you didn't ask me".

asdad · 30/09/2017 16:58

Would it be fair to say that ladies tend to like things tidier and more orderly than men and then get upset when men dont change to suit?

Butterymuffin · 30/09/2017 17:03

asdad Not really. My DH is much tidier than I am. Now if you'd said 'would it be fair to say that society represents housework as a woman's job and part of that is making out that women are naturally better at it?' then I'd agree with you.

IfNot · 30/09/2017 17:05

This is what puts me off living with a man. I don't want to be the dictator of housework. I don't want dp asking me if he should clean the bathroom. Does it look dirty? Then it probably needs doing! I don't want to ask him to take out the rubbish instead of forcing more stuff on top so that the lid doesn't close.
I REALLY don't want to clean up his mess.
I loathe housework and am crap at it. In a sane world nobody would give me the job of domestic project manager. I don't want that job!

MyHusbandIsNotADick · 30/09/2017 17:12

Would it be fair to say that ladies tend to like things tidier and more orderly than men and then get upset when men dont change to suit?

No.

IfNot · 30/09/2017 17:14

Speaking as a "lady" I am not very tidy but when I have house shared with others I make an effort to be considerate of the fact that a shared space needs a higher level of organisation and cleanliness.
It's obvious.
The worst thing men do is "not notice" all the little bits of tidying and making nice, throwing away shampoo bottles and magazines, changing the towels and beds, wiping spills. The party line is that they'd not care if the cupboards were full of empty packets and the sheets stank. But they DO like to live in a tidy, well stocked sweet smelling house. They just can't be arsed thinking about how that happens.
So much less work being single I think.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2017 17:17

Asdad - no, I'm not aware of a shred of evidence to support that hypothesis.

Would it be fair to say that women are more likely to be criticised or found wanting than men if their house isn't tidy?

MyHusbandIsNotADick · 30/09/2017 17:18

Would it be fair to say that women are more likely to be criticised or found wanting than men if their house isn't tidy?

Yes

asdad · 30/09/2017 17:19

I would think so just because they usually like things tidier imho

ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2017 17:24

I would think so just because they usually like things tidier imho

No, honestly , women don't particularly 'like things tidier' than men. Maybe some of the women you happen to know do, or appear to be more concerned about tidiness because somehow its been assigned as their responsibility.

Mittens1969 · 30/09/2017 17:26

I think women are judged more than men if the house isn't tidy, it's as if they're the ones who have failed. If a bachelor pad is messy no one batts an eyelid.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2017 17:36

If a bachelor pad is messy no one batts an eyelid.

Well, some may have it suggested to them that they should find a wife, I suppose.

WickedLazy · 30/09/2017 17:42

It's not just about tidying. It's also things like knowing the dc's toothbrush needs to be replaced, or they're due to visit the dentist again, having to to buy presents for his family, for which he takes the credit (you can hardly say, actually if I hadn't bothered you'd probably have got nothing, I even had to write the card). Being the one to plan every gift or event, source halloween costumes, costumes for school plays etc, decorate for Xmas, budget and organise "santa" etc. Being expected to be psychic, and know where everything is at all times. Having to decide where everything goes. Being the one to suss how all technology and white goods work and should be maintained. I could go on but won't Smile

Original poster
KitKat1985 · 30/09/2017 17:56

Exactly WickedLazy! It's not just about cleaning, it's sodding everything 'domestic'.

OP posts:
outabout · 30/09/2017 18:02

Damn, you mean my wife should have been doing all those things on Wickedlady's list. I should have worked harder at being totally useless, not just a bit.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/09/2017 18:02

Would it be fair to say that ladies tend to like things tidier

Don't make this about this about tidying and cleaning, and nagging wives with unreasonable standards. It's about being the one responsible for everything domestic and all the headspace that women are expected to have about this.

Yes, things are changing slowly, but if you asked 100 man on the street, 99 of them would have no idea if their DC have all the suitable shoes for the season to come or if they need to go shopping; that there's a toddler birthday coming up and present needs to be bought; if and what has the family sent for great-aunt Mildred; if there's risotto rice and Calpol at home; that you need to reply to nursery about some form or the other...

yes sure women can delegate and ask for help and so on. But it takes a hell of a lot of energy to be responsible for all million of those thankless things.

Mittens1969 · 30/09/2017 18:10

@ErrolTheDragon, true, although I'd pity the wife who took them on in some cases. I'm thinking of one particular guy I know who's been married for a couple of years now; his bachelor pad was a complete mess.

My DH's house was well kept by contrast.

OyyVeyy · 30/09/2017 18:10

🙄 just 🙄

WickedLazy · 30/09/2017 18:15

outabout

Mabye you don't have a woman you take for granted, remembering and doing all that stuff, plus many other boring, thankless tasks, for you and your dc, but many men do. My fil for one would be utterly lost without my mil.

WickedLazy · 30/09/2017 18:15

Ex fil and mil!*

Llareggub · 30/09/2017 18:19

And right here on this thread is why I am so happy to be single.

WickedLazy · 30/09/2017 18:21

And why I'm seriously rethinking lesbianism.

outabout · 30/09/2017 18:38

@Wicked
For what it is worth we are now divorced but we both remembered and did things. I often remembered at times when it was impractical to implement some of them, like I was iterally hundreds of miles away.

expatinscotland · 30/09/2017 18:41

'If a bachelor pad is messy no one batts an eyelid.'

I certainly did. In fact, I dumped immediately because it was a flag flying that this person wasn't interested in being an adult. To me, looking after your stuff, your abode is showing respect for it and your life. I wasn't going to be compatible with anyone who saw it as unimportant because I do, so would dump immediately.