AIBU to be pissed off with hearing this phrase from DH?

[KitKat1985]

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

Basically this phrase means to me that he doesn't ever take the initiative to plan or think about what needs doing and that I'm apparently in charge of everything around the house and he'll do something if I 'delegate' it to him but otherwise won't think to do it. Why do I always have to be the one that thinks about what needs doing domestically? Like what cleaning needs doing, or that we're about to run out of bread, or that we need to buy a present for a party at the weekend. Why can't he ever work out for himself that if the laundry bin is full that probably means we need to put some laundry on without me having to specifically point it out? Or that it will never occur to him to hoover or clean anything unless I've specifically asked him to do it? He's 36 and not an idiot FFS. Surely he can take some responsibility for thinking sometimes about what needs to be done sometimes without me having to specifically ask?

AIBU? I know I'm lucky that he will do stuff if I ask him to do it which is better than some men, but I just find it so irksome that it's never off his own back. He always has to be asked to do something.

^if you want me to do something.

Hands up who has checked the water in the car windscreen bottle and that the wiper blades are in good condition for the inclement weather (in the uk)?

Me. Along with everything else I have to remember because the husband doesn't think about it. Hence how he ends up buggering his car up when he doesn't do his own.

Also, I have JUST come in from changing a flat tyre. So shove that in your patriarchal pipe and smoke it .

Hence how he ends up buggering his car up when he doesn't do his own.

Do you take pleasure in seeing your husband fail? I don't understand why people get married when I read petty things like this.

I just don't get it. How hard is it to ask for help?

Its often easier to ask for 'help' rather than waiting for your OH to show some nous and responsibility. I don't want 'help' with the housework because its not my job any more than its my DH's. Of course, in some families they may decide that the housework and childcare is one persons 'job' - if thats what suits both partners, fine. The problem is if there is an assumption that the woman takes responsibility for everything except maybe the car.

Then you get the other side

Why didn't he tell me he was going for bread now we have two loaves.

MyHusbandIsNotADick I think we may have to respectfully agree to disagree on this. My annoyance is that the default responsibility for everything domestic is always with me, and that he seems to feel that everything that needs doing around the house isn't his responsibility unless he is given a specific allotted task to do. I expect him to be an adult capable of being an equal partner in our marriage and home, and don't expect to have to ask for help, as I expect him to be helping anyway. You obviously have a different approach in your home which works for you, but it doesn't work for me I'm afraid.

We can all change tyres stubborn. However if we are out together you can bet it will be dh who changes it for me. He is nice like that.

I don't want 'help' with the housework because its not my job any more than its my DH's.

^ This.

myhusbandisnotadick
Do you, actually, live in Stepford?

I can see that - you are obviously very unhappy but the current strategy isn't working. Are you looking for a solution or a reason to leave? Or just a vent?

I'd suggest the next time you have a conversation you broach making a rota together. Then you both know your responsibilities and it is much more quantifiable.

You can communicate about the rota from time to time and fine tune it tonsuit both your needs and values.

Maybe after a time the rota would no longer be required.

lol stubborn. Not quite - but I do have a happy life which seems to be a crime in itself around these parts sometimes!

Why did you put job in inverted commas Errol?

But if it isn't important to him why would he see it or prioritise it?

You would hope that his wife would important to him, that he would be capable of understanding what she has been saying and demonstrating to him for the past several years, and that he would prioritise her!

If he can't do that, then he's basically saying he doesn't give a shit about her.

This is about much more than the practicalities of laundry or shopping. It's about respect for your partner.

DH is currently pretending to be asleep on the couch after I said he better tidy up since he said his brother is coming around. It's his crap lying around and he knows how to work the kettle/where the biscuits are. If he wants to give the impression he lives in squalor and can't do basic hospitality I can't stop him. He can claim afterwards that he couldn't see what needed to be done but I've decided not to care for now.

This seems to be fairly universal amongst men: the idea that the wife is the household "manager" and they are the underling who needs to have jobs delegated to them.

This article sums it up PERFECTLY
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9055288

If he can't do that, then he's basically saying he doesn't give a shit about her

Is he, though? Or is he saying he doesn't give a shit about housework and being nagged at?

Don't get me wrong, the guy who is unwilling to join in, help, or take part in creating a rota that works for everyone and their values - that guy is a dickhead.

The guy who has grown up in a patriarchal society and does want to be a better partner than his father was, but isn't very good at it - that guy is worth working with. Take a breath, stop blaming him for the patriarchy and find an equilibrium together in your home. You only get one life, it is to short to feel so bad all the time.

Yep. Of course yanbu.

Exh was like this. He is much much better at all home related tasks now he has had the kids on his own post separation (for his contact not to live full time)

Exp was brilliant at first then the entitlement seeped in and his initiative died on purpose.

I cannot be fucked with this behaviour any more.

Exh was worse everything had to be delagated and he would ask repeatedly for the same instructions during the task - it was easier to do it myself.

Exp could at the least be given a shopping list and come back with all the items plus a few more he thought would be helpful and they were.

That said exp would texte to buy milk on the way home when I had 2 kids in the car. He had driven home alone, worked closer to home but didn't want to go out again, alone and get milk he needed

I think the only way round this is to make certain jobs his. Totally his resonsibility

I'm not being smug. Apart from having to have a full recipes worth of cooking ingredients (and not feeling confident to just rustle up a dinner out of what we have) my husband is not like this.

He and his older siblings were brought up by his widowed father and grandparents before his dad remarried a lady with kids from a previous marriage... they then had 2 more. It was a busy household, lots of older children (mainly boys), 2 new babies and a farm. The big ones were expected to take responsibility for their own washing/uniform, pitch in on chores and childcare for the little ones plus helping on the farm. It is now second nature for him to do all these things without being asked (kids, cars, pets, garden, household chores ... tho I do occasionally ask him to hoover as I hate it)

I do wonder if it's the way boys are raised/the examples set at home that don't train them to take any responsibility and assuming mum/nanny/wife/fairies do everything.

Interestingly his 2 youngest brothers are a lot more molly coddled and still expect mum to do everything for them.

How do you change a habit of a lifetime? I'm just lucky mine was trained from an impressionable age.

My OH says things like "do you want me to take DD's clean clothes upstairs for you?" I always think 1. Why do you need to ask? Her drawers are where her clothes go and they're upstairs, so obviously the clothes need to go upstairs and 2. Why do you think that you're doing it for me? Surely you're doing it for DD! They're her clothes.
It's like he thinks he's doing me a favour. He'll then take them upstairs and leave them on the chair in her room, as though only I am capable of opening drawers and putting things away!
He also has to tell me everything he does around the house. Maybe so I can pat him on the head and say well done!

@outabout Hands up who has checked the water in the car windscreen bottle and that the wiper blades are in good condition for the inclement weather (in the uk)?

I have. I also checked the brake fluid, the oil, the tyre pressures (including spare) and various other little bits. Like I do on a regular basis, given that it is my car and I am responsible for it. Why, do you need help with yours?

@MyHusbandIsNotADick Do you take pleasure in seeing your husband fail? I don't understand why people get married when I read petty things like this.

So not only should the women take responsibility for the amazing feat of "remembering" that laundry/ needs doing every week, they now also need to take on the mental load of ensuring their partners also don't kill their cars through sheer lack of interest? (These same hapless men who can manage to hold down jobs and other life interests that they value without wifey reminding them to do so everyday. Funny that.)

Exh dad was brilliant at home and did everything independently. From what I know exp dad was great as well

Yes shots I've been around MN long enough to hear the same speech from numerous posters. But just because you are in an online community of likeminded people doesn't mean they hold the key to a happy life and home.

In fact, there is a distinct vibe of discontent on here a lot of the time. It just seems like such a waste of life. Why lament the problems instead of looking at the fulfilment and enjoyment life has to offer?

Women work strike. It's been done before in Liberia and Poland to great effect.