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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to cut Christmas visit short.

207 replies

SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 09:39

DSis has decided for the umpteenth year she wants to spend Christmas with us. From past experience she will arrive around 22nd December and not go until 3rd/4th January. She will sit and criticise everyone and everything, arrive with very little or nothing as a contribution, sulk because she has received less presents than everyone else and be rude to us and any friends or neighbours who we invite in for drinks. She also resents anyone phoning us. One comment made last year was we should turn the phone off at 8pm as 'she' wants to watch TV.

We moved house earlier this year and really want Christmas on our own. This I know is selfish as she is on her own after several failed relationships and alienating many of her friends. For that reason I feel I should have her for the actual Christmas period. WIBU to tell her we are away until 23rd and then going to friends between Christmas and New Year. I suspect she will want to housesit for us which isn't happening either.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 28/09/2017 00:04

Just reply 'Fantastic. Aunty Semolina is coming too and she's so excited. I'm sure you wont mind sharing a room. Who would you like for Secret Santa?'

Usernamegone · 28/09/2017 00:05

I find before difficult conversations with difficult relatives I need to rehearse being firm and saying no (and not sorry)

No that doesn't work for us
No that is not my fault
That's not suitable? That's fine thanks for letting me know you can't come. Goodbye.
I don't have anything more to discuss
I've got to go now, bye (and put the phone down and unplug/switch off if necessary)

LightDrizzle · 28/09/2017 01:16

Your husband has the patience of a saint. You should not compromise your family's Christmases for your ungrateful cfsis. It's a shame you couldn't bite the bullet and turn over a new leaf in your lovely new home.
Time to accept that you are choosing this for your family.

Birdsgottafly · 28/09/2017 02:06

"You are brilliant Kity. I will suggest Crisis at Christmas to her and Samaritans."

Please don't suggest Voluntary work, especially with people so vulnerable, she isn't at all suitable.

I had this with my Mother and we have similar now with my eldest DD, except my DD wants to cook dinner.

My Mother came on Christmas day, but she was only a 45 minute taxi ride away. I started to challenge her as soon as the negativity started, she stayed until boxing day. Since she's died, the difference is amazing, even the run up, were she constantly declared it "a lot of fuss about nothing" etc, it took the pleasure out of it.

My DD (child-free,but with DP), has been told that we will turn up now more than an hour before. We would like a no hassle, bring a dish buffet Christmas tea, it's her that wants a full dinner, i shop for it, drop it off and usually put her tree up on Christmas eve, but this year I've told her that it will have to be the day before, because i want CE to myself.

Make sure she's knows to keep her snipes to herself or she gets the fuck out of your house.

You've just got to let her tantrum, you are entitled to your own life.

For those saying that "it's only September", you've got to start early with these people, so it somewhat blows over.

emmyrose2000 · 28/09/2017 02:33

I can't believe you've actually invited her. Your DH must be a saint to put up with this rubbish. I wouldn't allow someone like this in my home, regardless of their relationship to me.

When she starts her tantrum, cut her off, tell her the invitation is rescinded, and hang up the phone.

CakesRUs · 28/09/2017 03:07

I know where you're coming from and don't disagree with your reasons, but Christmas alone would be horrible.

Bonelessbanquet · 28/09/2017 03:30

You shouldn't have asked, you should have said we can have you from whenever to whenever as we have other plans. That way she can't talk you around.

123MothergotafleA · 28/09/2017 03:47

Just text and say that you've been thinking it over and have decided to have Christmas with your husband and Aunt. She needs to be called out on her bad behaviour. No one should have to grin and bear her. All of her erstwhile friends have voted with their feet.
You need to do the same.

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay · 28/09/2017 04:05

There's nothing wrong with Christmas in a bedsit. Christmas is what you make it. Tell her no politely but no all the same. Break the pattern.

Imbroglio · 28/09/2017 04:20

I think you've done the right thing. You've made a generous offer. If she wants to know what you are doing for the rest of Christmas tell her you haven't decided yet. Don't get drawn into any discussion about it. If she gets shitty just say you'll understand if she wants to do something different this year.

ohfourfoxache · 28/09/2017 04:34

For the love of all that is good and right, do not answer that bloody phone. All she will do is manipulate you.

If there absolutely has to be a telephone conversation could your dp field it?

Hidingtonothing · 28/09/2017 07:07

Honestly OP I think you're a saint for asking her at all but for gods sake don't stand for any shit when she rings tonight. She'd be losing her invite at the merest hint of a grumble if it was me, you really don't have to put up with her tantrums. It might actually do her good to learn that kicking off can lead to her losing stuff as well as gaining it.

As an aside what is it with people who think an invitation comes with the right to negotiate terms? My understanding has always been that you accept or decline based on what's on offer, not try to tweak the event to better suit your own convenience Confused

MargotLovedTom1 · 28/09/2017 07:17

Birdsgottafly why are you putting up your adult daughter's Christmas tree?

Be strong Semolina!

Hellywelly10 · 28/09/2017 07:42

It doesn't sound very nice to spend Christmas alone in a crappy bedsit. Stop letting her wind you up and show some compassion. Relationships need to be worked at and blood is thicker thand water.

girlywhirly · 28/09/2017 07:51

I agree with pp that you should make it clear there are conditions attached to this invitation to Christmas at yours. She has to do things your way or she leaves. Kicking off at you means the invitation is withdrawn immediately. You must make crystal clear that she is expected to help with food preparation and clearing up, she is to be courteous to everyone, including anyone who happens to drop in; and she does not get to monopolise the TV. Yours and DH's house, your rules and her choice to accept or stay away. But you are not having a repeat of previous years ever.

Purplemeddler · 28/09/2017 07:54

It doesn't sound very nice to spend Christmas alone in a crappy bedsit. Stop letting her wind you up and show some compassion. Relationships need to be worked at and blood is thicker thand water

Utter nonsense. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to be responsible for them. She's the OP's sister, not daughter. She didn't make a choice to have her.

angieloumc · 28/09/2017 08:04

Christmas seems to bring the worst out in some people. I have a CFFamily (mum, brother, sister) not just one!

Pemba · 28/09/2017 08:20

Sounds like she has ruined your Christmases for years so I don't really know why you invited her at all, I wouldn't. But if she kicks off at you in tonight's phone call, that will give you the perfect opportunity to cancel her visit altogether. Don't feel guilty, you owe her nothing. If she ends up alone over Christmas she has only herself to blame.

Didiusfalco · 28/09/2017 08:34

Your message was excellent - just stand firm when she phones and don't be pushed in to anything more than you have offered.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/09/2017 08:48

The thing that concerns me is that once she's in, how are you going to make sure she leaves on the 27th? What if she refuses to go? Are you going to bodily remove her?

Allthebestnamesareused · 28/09/2017 08:53

Birdsgottafly - Are you sure your grown up daughter wants you to put her tree up for her or are you being a CFM? Maybe check this is something she wants rather than puts up like the OP is putting up with her CFSis

Allthebestnamesareused · 28/09/2017 08:54

I assume they'll be able to get rid of CFSis because they drive her home! Just say you'll drop her on the way to (made up place you're going to but that she can't too)

LazyDailyMailJournos · 28/09/2017 08:59

She will only get away with tantrumming and stamping her feet if you let her.

If she shrieks and tells you it's not fair and she wants to come for longer, then you calmly point out to her that your house is not a hotel and that she's fortunate to have received an invite at all. That if the dates don't suit she is free to make her own arrangements and you'll see her in the new year instead. Then I'd put the phone down.

Strap your big girl pants on and stop allowing and enabling the behaviour. You DON'T have to invite her. You DON'T have to stand there and passively put up with her rudeness.

CoraPirbright · 28/09/2017 09:17

I am sorry that your sis has had some failed relationships - that can happen to anyone and there, but for the grace of God go any and all of us. However, her rudeness/alienation of friends/hatred of aunt etc speaks to a deeper and much more unpleasant pattern.

I think your text was good and I would follow up her reply with "great - when you call, we can have a chat about how to split things. The move has left things a bit tight for us so was wondering if you could contribute the pudding & creams perhaps. Or maybe cheese. Anyway we can chat. Also have asked Aunt - she is thrilled to pieces".

Might take the wind out of her sales a bit or, alternatively make her so incandescent with rage that she loses her rag and gives you a perfect opportunity to rescind the invitation.

MillicentFawcett · 28/09/2017 09:27

Stick to your guns Semolina.

I would send Cora's text next.