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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to cut Christmas visit short.

207 replies

SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 09:39

DSis has decided for the umpteenth year she wants to spend Christmas with us. From past experience she will arrive around 22nd December and not go until 3rd/4th January. She will sit and criticise everyone and everything, arrive with very little or nothing as a contribution, sulk because she has received less presents than everyone else and be rude to us and any friends or neighbours who we invite in for drinks. She also resents anyone phoning us. One comment made last year was we should turn the phone off at 8pm as 'she' wants to watch TV.

We moved house earlier this year and really want Christmas on our own. This I know is selfish as she is on her own after several failed relationships and alienating many of her friends. For that reason I feel I should have her for the actual Christmas period. WIBU to tell her we are away until 23rd and then going to friends between Christmas and New Year. I suspect she will want to housesit for us which isn't happening either.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 26/09/2017 12:40

I think you're being generous having her for Christmas. She's an adult who should be sorting out her own Christmas traditions not relying on her sister every year. I think you may need to be more assertive with her about her bad behaviour as well. Personally I don't see what is so awful about a 40 year old spending Christmas day on their own. It sounds as though you pander to her too much. If she wants to sit and watch TV then she can stay at home.

LagunaBubbles · 26/09/2017 12:42

He agrees with me, first Christmas in new home alone would be great but not really feasible

Of course its feasible, the fact that you say it isnt shows you she has you exactly where she wants you. Why would anyone want to spend anytime with a miserable bully who is rude to other people any day of the year, never mind Christmas?

Motoko · 26/09/2017 12:45

Stop letting her walk all over you. Don't feel guilty about her being alone, it's her fault that she is.

Tell her she's not coming to stay, and stick with it.

Ignore her tantrums. Hang up the phone, don't let her in if she turns up at your door.

Nikephorus · 26/09/2017 12:45

I really don't understand why some posters are actually suggesting inviting her for a day or two - she's a git who has no friends because of that reason. Save your pity for those who deserve it (like OP who feels guilty despite having no reason to!). Tell her now OP so she has weeks to get the whinging over with and you have weeks to look forward to the peace and quiet Smile

Ellendegeneres · 26/09/2017 12:46

I'm not being funny but if I was single with no kids, I'd want to have people invite me over because they love the person I am. I'd want them to think oh we must have Ellen for Christmas because she's so fun. I'd make it my mission to help as much as possible and spread as much cheesy Christmas spirit I could.

Your sister sounds like an absolute nightmare, nobody wants to be around her and for good reason- she's simply not a nice person. Just because you're the only family she has left (aunt aside) it doesn't fall to you to take her shit.

Have Christmas you and your dp. Seriously. It's the best feeling ever. If she were a nice person you'd want her there. She's not. That's of her own making and it's not up to you to try and make Christmas nice for her when she sounds like she goes all out to make everyone around her as miserable as sin.

Dustysparrow · 26/09/2017 12:50

No no no and no! She is bulling you!!! You sound lovely and she sounds completely vile. Even if she goes off on a major tantrum just get it out of the way now so you can actually look forward to Christmas at home alone with your DH. I actually can't think of any words re. her past behaviour to yourself and your parents, she sounds way beyond selfish, that sort of behaviour isn't normal!

GreenShadow · 26/09/2017 12:51

We have a similar, but different, situation.
DBIL is lodging with us while he sorts his life out. Not ideal but no real choice unfortunately due to a long list of circumstances.

And he hates Christmas.

So we had to have the 'you will not spoil Christmas for the rest of us' conversation and he is considering whether to find somewhere else to go just for the few days either side. Having him here also means it's more difficult for other family to come and stay which they usually do. Trouble is he has no spare money so any suggestions of free or VERY cheap non-Christmasy places to send him would be very welcome!

CountessOfStrathearn · 26/09/2017 12:52

You are allowing her to treat you like this. She has options (being on her own, doing volunteering, going to friends (if she has any left), going to her aunt) and she has chosen to instead bully you and your DH. Have a great Christmas without all the stress. She will tantrum anyway, best get it over before Christmas so you can actually enjoy it.

(I have a sister that tantrums, mainly tolerated and encouraged by DPs. Just as with a toddler, it doesn't get better if you bow to it.)

expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 12:57

'So we had to have the 'you will not spoil Christmas for the rest of us' conversation and he is considering whether to find somewhere else to go just for the few days either side. Having him here also means it's more difficult for other family to come and stay which they usually do. Trouble is he has no spare money so any suggestions of free or VERY cheap non-Christmasy places to send him would be very welcome!'

Let him fucking sort it out! It's not your job so stop taking it on because he's already made sorting his lodging out your job.

He doesn't get to spoil it because he's living in your house. He pulls any sort of sulk and you remind me that if he doesn't like it he gets out.

They can't behave like twats if they're not enabled to do it.

And I don't buy the whole 'They're family.' If you can't tell your family to buck the hell up then who can you? I couldn't imagine behaving like a dick in my sister's house.

PinkCrystal · 26/09/2017 13:02

I have a relative like this and I am the only one who speaks up and challenges the behaviour. Everyone else just panders to her every whim. Hence I am the bad guy and she never has to address her behaviour. If more people stood up and told them they can t be so unpleasant and expect invites then they would have to consider their behaviour.

Booboobooboo84 · 26/09/2017 13:12

I would sit with your dp and decide when it works for you for her to visit or stay. And then send her a formal invitation outlining the dates. If that does include Xmas she has three months to meet internet weirdos and invade their family Christmas

Booboobooboo84 · 26/09/2017 13:12

*doesnt

schoolgaterebel · 26/09/2017 13:20

Don’t tell a white lie about why you can’t have her, such as going away it being ill. Otherwise you will create the same problem next year. Just be straight with her that you are very busy at Christmas time, and can only have her stay for 3 or 4 days, you don’t need to make excuses.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/09/2017 13:25

I'm wih expat. It is a wonder that her relationships fail and her friends are alienated?

You could actually see it as more selfish in the long term to continue enabling this behaviour, making more of your family's future Christmases miserable and failing to show her that her actions have consequences, because you're afraid of the confrontation.

schoolgaterebel · 26/09/2017 13:26

*or

youhavetobekidding · 26/09/2017 13:31

*DBIL is lodging with us while he sorts his life out. Not ideal but no real choice unfortunately due to a long list of circumstances.

And he hates Christmas*

If he's a guest in your house, I think he has to play along and put on a brave face, or else stay in his bedroom, or go for a long walk

emmyrose2000 · 26/09/2017 13:44

Don't invite her. It's your DP's home too and he a right to spend time in it/celebrate Christmas without some nasty, immature person making it miserable for him and everyone else.

be rude to us and any friends or neighbours who we invite in for drinks
Do you really want to risk alienating your new(?) neighbours because of your sister? I wouldn't.

Sister has made her own bed, now she has to lie in it. Her inability to make or keep friends so that she has somewhere to go over Christmas is not your problem to solve.

Is the type to just turn up anyway without any prior discussion/invitation? If not, simply don't discuss it with her. Ignore any hints about it. If she plainly asks, just tell her that you won't be hosting her again this year.

If she would turn up anyway, then a preemptive email stating that you and DH are looking forward to celebrating Christmas together in your new home without any visitors is the way to go. No apology, just plain facts.

CallMeDollFace · 26/09/2017 13:52

Oh dear!! Some people begged belief don't they? However things have got to this point, it sounds like you feel it's time to draw the line.

Don't lie to her. It's not sustainable and this is a long term problem. Also, if discovered, your lies will put you on the back foot and it sounds as though she may take advantage of that.

Work out with your dp what you feel is an acceptable length of visit, and when. Then invite her on those terms. If she asks why, be honest.

New house, new rules, new start.

It might be the making of her! But if it isn't, that's her responsibility, not yours. Good luck!

LexieLulu · 26/09/2017 13:55

I would tell her now rather than waiting to lie about D&V.

Make it loud and clear so no mixed messages.

Deal with her nark and she'll get over it x

Whitney168 · 26/09/2017 14:12

If you've never told her how unpleasant you find her behaviour, then I'd actually be on the side of giving her one last chance to be honest.

So, personally I would tell her that you are happy to host her arriving the afternoon/evening of 24th until the morning of 27th (or whatever) - but tell her that she has actually made previous Christmases quite difficult, and you would like this one to be different.

It is your Christmas too, and you expect her to chip in and help with the work, and she will be expected to make a reasonable contribution. Tell her that on that basis, you are very happy to host her and look forward to spending Christmas together, if she would like to come. If she would prefer to go elsewhere, then obviously that's fine too and you wish her a lovely time.

If that doesn't work, then make it clear that next year she will not be invited, but that's her choice.

People will bully you if you let them, but this kind of person is normally much better for some pushback.

Whitney168 · 26/09/2017 14:14

Oh and if she phones and rants, then tell her you will be happy to talk to her when she can speak to you politely and put the phone down. Every time.

Whitney168 · 26/09/2017 14:14

(And yes, I have re-trained my own sister very effectively this way LOL)

girlywhirly · 26/09/2017 14:42

Semolina, Your DSIS sounds as though she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What you have described of her behaviour and how she relates to others is classic, especially terrifying and bullying with her temper. First and foremost, you will never change the way she is, but you can change the way you react to her. It is no surprise that she goes through groups of friends and they dump her.

Give her a solid statement of what will be happening with Christmas and don't give in! If she asks what will I do, you simply reply that you are sure she will think of something. You could point out that being able to watch TV uninterrupted by the phone or guests, having the food she wants without anything to complain about, etc sounds perfect for her. After all, she can't have enjoyed last Christmas because she was critical, rude and unpleasant to have around!

ForagingForFaerieGold · 26/09/2017 14:47

I wouldn't have her and I'd tell her exactly why too. Maybe it'll make her finally realise she's done this to herself. If not, well it's not your responsibility anyway. Too many of us do the family compromise just because it's Christmas. It hardly makes Christmas joyful. Just say no. She's had plenty of chances by the sound of it.

Nikephorus · 26/09/2017 14:55

Trouble is he has no spare money so any suggestions of free or VERY cheap non-Christmasy places to send him would be very welcome!
Give him OP's sister's details - she'll be in need of company and hates Christmas too so they'll be miserable together!

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