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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to cut Christmas visit short.

207 replies

SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 09:39

DSis has decided for the umpteenth year she wants to spend Christmas with us. From past experience she will arrive around 22nd December and not go until 3rd/4th January. She will sit and criticise everyone and everything, arrive with very little or nothing as a contribution, sulk because she has received less presents than everyone else and be rude to us and any friends or neighbours who we invite in for drinks. She also resents anyone phoning us. One comment made last year was we should turn the phone off at 8pm as 'she' wants to watch TV.

We moved house earlier this year and really want Christmas on our own. This I know is selfish as she is on her own after several failed relationships and alienating many of her friends. For that reason I feel I should have her for the actual Christmas period. WIBU to tell her we are away until 23rd and then going to friends between Christmas and New Year. I suspect she will want to housesit for us which isn't happening either.

OP posts:
Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 15:07

girlywhirly I have thought before she has NPD. She has been hard work for years to put it mildly. I couldn't list everything she has done or said as people quite frankly wouldn't believe me.

All through our childhood I was told she was highly strung when she kicked off. I think there is a lot more understanding and help given now with such things. Our parents wouldn't have countenanced accepting any help even if it had been offered as that would have been seen as failing.

We went through a period of being quite close in our 20s so not sure when or where the problems began. I think there is jealousy because I am settled with a lovely home and DP.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 26/09/2017 15:13

first Christmas in new home alone would be great but not really feasible. DSis flatly refuses to go to aunts

That is not your problem. She's refusing to go because you're allowing her a better option. She has another offer for Christmas so she won't be on her own unless she chooses to be.

Don't be bullied into having her. Tell get now so she has loads of time to make alternative plans

expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 15:16

Again, NPD or whatever, you cannot give people like this an inch or they take a mile. You have to just keep it simple and not engage and most of all, don't do it face to face and give her an opportunity to blow up.

'DH and I have decided to begin our own tradition in our new home of celebrating Christmas as a couple so you'll need to make other arrangements.'

Any response she gives and you don't apologise or give in or compromise. 'DH and I have decided to celebrate as a couple in our new home so you'll need to make other arrangements.' 'You're so selfish.' 'You're entitled to your opinion, sister, but now you know, DH and I have decided . . . '

merrygoround51 · 26/09/2017 15:25

I can understand why you don't want to tell her not to come but I actually do think there is room for compromise.

Apologies if this is elsewhere but how far away from you is she. Could she come Christmas early afternoon and leave the 27th ?

I would suggest to her that you want Xmas eve and morning alone but she is welcome to come for lunch and stay that evening. Then say you have plans 27th onwards so she has to make alternative arrangements

dontbesillyhenry · 26/09/2017 15:28

YABVU even thinking about Christmas before November. Get out

merrygoround51 · 26/09/2017 15:35

Helpful Dontbesillyhenry

ReginaBlitzkreig · 26/09/2017 16:05

Don't host her at all. Tell her Christmas is you and your DP only, offer to meet up with her somewhere other than your house for a meal or something at some point over the holiday.

That way you change the dynamic of her invading your space and seeing how much awfulness she can get away with.

I never liked to have SIL over for this reason. Plus, my tolerance for being insulted is a lot less when I'm in my own home. Fortunately DH is not in contact with her any more so the problem doesn't arise.

Kintan · 26/09/2017 16:18

If you carry on letting her come at Christmas and being such a pain, you risk jeopardising your relationship with your DP. No reason why he has to put up with her! You and your DP deserve a lovely Christmas in your new home. Good luck - I hope she doesn't kick off too much when you tell her she is not invited, but stand your ground!

KityGlitr · 26/09/2017 16:19

You're welcome OP!

It takes a couple months to do the Samaritans training so not something you can just pop and do for the day but crisis at Christmas will take anyone willing to volunteer.

It was truly an amazing Christmas for me doing a 6am-2pm shift on the phones, some callers rang just to see if we were there and to thank us for our support over the year. Others rang as they were very lonely or sad having lost someone close to them, and others still rang in a crisis and had nobody else.

I went home after feeling very lucky about my life and feeling so great that I'd been able to be there for someone on a really difficult day.

She's an adult and if she isn't invited to yours and she doesn't want to be alone at her house she has options. I hesr from so many people in the run up to xmas stressing as they don't want to spend time with relatives who behave terribly. What is it about xmas that makes everyone feel they have to abandon their boundaries! You're entitled to a lovely day with your DH in your home without sister. Even if she was lovely I think anything more than one or teo days would be way too much to have someone in your home. Stick up for yourself, you'll be so glad in xmas day!

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 27/09/2017 20:19

DSis flatly refuses to go to aunts.

Tough tits on her really. She's a user op. Don't inflict another Christmas with her on yourself, dp and any dc you have. Text her and tell her you are just sorting Christmas dates, how's the 27th or 28th (only) for her. Don't invite her before Christmas or she just will try not to leave.

Spadequeen · 27/09/2017 21:13

Good god, I agree, you definitely need to stop this now. And if she tantrums, tough, let her.

2rebecca · 27/09/2017 21:28

You can't force her to go to the aunt's, you just decide if and for how long she is invited to you for.
A friend of mine sometimes spends xmas alone. She gets lots of invites, but says the idea of spending xmas with someone else's extended family is her idea of hell and she'd rather just go for a long walk with her dog.

Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 27/09/2017 21:45

I sent her the following text last night:

Dear CFSis,

DP and I were chatting last night about Christmas and what our plans are. We would like to see you at some stage and what works for us is for you to come 24th for lunch the following day and to spend Boxing Day with us before you head home on the 27th. Let me know if this sounds good for you too.

Semolina

Silence so far. The calm before the storm I suspect.

OP posts:
Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 27/09/2017 21:47

2rebecca long walks with a dog sounds wonderful. We are hoping to get a rescue dog next year so that will be us Christmas 2018.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 27/09/2017 21:52

I just wouldn't put up with someone treating me like that! If you let her, she will continue. I would imagine she'll now sulk all Christmas as you've 'only' invited her for three days and then expect to be able to stay longer so you can't get rid of her.

How will she be getting to yours/home again?

Maelstrop · 27/09/2017 21:54

I love your text, Semolina! Very direct, polite, with very firm limits. As others have said, ignore the tantrumming, stick to your guns, don't allow her to invade and spoil your first Christmas in your new house with her toxic behaviour.

KC225 · 27/09/2017 22:19

Please update soonest Semolina

Andrewofgg · 27/09/2017 22:24

Somebody please tell me - what is a CFSis?

JamOrCreamFirst · 27/09/2017 22:28

Cunty effing sister

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2017 22:32

Good text. If she is nasty about it , you should arrange to all do some helping at a homeless shelter or similar on Christmas Eve. 'We feel so lucky with our new house we had to do something for those with so little. We might see about making this part of our Christmas every year' it sounds right up her alley 😆

Chaos777 · 27/09/2017 22:42

Andrew - Cheeky Fucker Sister. Grin

Hippywannabe · 27/09/2017 22:50

Well donee!

AlpacaLypse · 27/09/2017 22:51

@Andrewofgg you've been here long enough to know that CF is Cheeky Fucker... in this case Sister!

Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 27/09/2017 22:53

She has replied saying she will be phoning me tomorrow evening. I can feel a tantrum coming on!

What she doesn't know is I have asked our Aunt too who is thrilled. Tempted to have them sharing a room but cruel to Aunt.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/09/2017 23:36

'She has replied saying she will be phoning me tomorrow evening. I can feel a tantrum coming on!'

Stop engaging with her and giving her a forum to behave like a child! Seriously. Just don't. There are many threads on here from people who have learned to free themselves from the bullying of toxic family.

She knows she can manipulate you on the phone or face-to-face, so don't let her! She has FA respect for you, you told her NO, her response is what you want doesn't matter shit to her.

You don't have to tell her what your plans are or what you're doing. It's not her business. You don't have to take her phone calls and listen to her. You can text her, 'I said no. There is nothing further to discuss. I will not listen to you carry on via the phone. I said no.'

She behaves like this because she's allowed to do so.

'If she is nasty about it , you should arrange to all do some helping at a homeless shelter or similar on Christmas Eve. 'We feel so lucky with our new house we had to do something for those with so little. We might see about making this part of our Christmas every year' it sounds right up her alley 😆'

Why should she compromise her life in any way or offer excuses or alternatives? She said NO. That has to be enough for a CF or they keep trying to rip the piss.

Get over to the Stately Homes threads and learn how to stop allowing FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) from toxic relatives compromise your happiness and life.