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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to cut Christmas visit short.

207 replies

SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 09:39

DSis has decided for the umpteenth year she wants to spend Christmas with us. From past experience she will arrive around 22nd December and not go until 3rd/4th January. She will sit and criticise everyone and everything, arrive with very little or nothing as a contribution, sulk because she has received less presents than everyone else and be rude to us and any friends or neighbours who we invite in for drinks. She also resents anyone phoning us. One comment made last year was we should turn the phone off at 8pm as 'she' wants to watch TV.

We moved house earlier this year and really want Christmas on our own. This I know is selfish as she is on her own after several failed relationships and alienating many of her friends. For that reason I feel I should have her for the actual Christmas period. WIBU to tell her we are away until 23rd and then going to friends between Christmas and New Year. I suspect she will want to housesit for us which isn't happening either.

OP posts:
Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 10:44

My DP Is not happy with her behaviour and how upset I get by the end of her visits. He agrees with me, first Christmas in new home alone would be great but not really feasible. DSis flatly refuses to go to aunts.

Dances she is in her 40s. Behaves like a teenager, tantrums the lot if she doesn't get her way. DM was terrified of her temper.

OP posts:
kateandme · 26/09/2017 10:47

aww I feel for her.not that I don't feel for you being on the receiving end of her! but for whatever reason its sounds like life has gone bugger up for her.mayabe her own fault. you never said she was horrible onds like shes become maybe jealous,sad,bitter.jealous,down,left out and cuycle continued until she hasn't lots left.not that her behaviour is acceptable.
so don't give key.dont tell her your away.somehow when lies like this happen it gets found it.its like some unwritten rule lol.
I agree with other poster.send email or text saying really busy available for these dates would she like to come.dont expand or make excuses or feel you need to explain more.those are you times for your family end of.she either accepts that or doesn't.youve been kind to ask her.
try have her if you can just for a little while.i cant bare to think of people alone at Christmas.but obviously I don't no how bad she cactually Is eh so my comment might be really UR suggestion.
yay for your new home.and totally agree you must make it the best ever for yourselves so relax slob about and do as you want.

Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 10:48

You are brilliant Kity. I will suggest Crisis at Christmas to her and Samaritans.

OP posts:
kateandme · 26/09/2017 10:50

comes a point when someone is making your life as horrid as that round that time of year that enough is enough.do whats right for you all hun.
does your dh want her there at all.even for the shorter visit.

woodhill · 26/09/2017 10:50

Could you invite your aunt as well but tell your dsis straight to help and say she can only stay till a certain day.

Lay down the law if she starts, e.g. Tv and phone. If you don't like it you know where the door is. Don't enable her behaviour

FizzyGreenWater · 26/09/2017 11:01

There comes a point where you put your own family and sanity first - otherwise you won't have much of that sanity to help when it's really needed.

Tell her you both want Christmas together and you would like to invite her from Boxing Day. Or go one better and say Christmas is taken up, but we are inviting you for New year.

Ceto · 26/09/2017 11:05

If she starts having tantrums, use the technique you would on a small child, i.e. ignore her. If she screeches down the phone, put the phone down. If she turns up and throws a tantrum, tell her that if that's how she's going to behave you will be withdrawing her invitation in full, and be prepared to show her out of the door.

guilty100 · 26/09/2017 11:06

I am going to dissent a bit - personally I would have Christmas Day/Boxing Day with her, since she's all alone and it's rubbish in a bedsit, but keep it to just those days. You'll feel like you've done your bit but you don't have to endure the bad behaviour for very long. My reasoning is that the time between Christmas and new year is actually much nicer than the day itself, when nothing is open anyway. Smile

WorldWideWanderer · 26/09/2017 11:10

You shouldn't have to put up with her at Christmas when you have done so much for her already. As other posters have said, you are not responsible for her happiness, and no, you are not being unkind to say you want your own Christmas in your own house without her.

I say this as a sister myself, who is currently single, and who regularly spends Christmas day with my own sister. I only go for the day, never stay overnight, and wouldn't feel upset in the slightest if my sister said, no, not this year.

Set some proper boundaries, don't leave things "wishy-washy" and up to her choice. Take the advice of other posters and say, quite clearly, you will be spending Christmas on your own this year in your new house, but she is welcome to stay OVERNIGHT only on XXX of January if she wishes. Be specific on dates, be very clear that's the only option. Don't lie at all (you'll be caught out, and why should you have to?) and don't give reasons....you don't have to justify what you want, if necessary just say this is how you are spending Christmas this year. Repeat every time it comes up. Don't be drawn on the whys or hows or what fors.

Don't waver or start to feel guilty when your sister starts saying how lonely she'll be or that you 'don't care'. She needs to take some responsility for her own Christmas!
Tell her now so she has time to get used to the idea and plan something else but enlist the support of your DH to back you up. And never, ever give her your keys.....

WomblingThree · 26/09/2017 11:11

I wouldn’t invite her at all. Why on earth would you feel guilty because she is such an unpleasant person that you don’t want to spend time with her. It wouldn’t occur to her to not be a bitch, so why on earth are you tying yourself in knots? Just take the same attitude she has with you and say, quite simply “we are spending Christmas and New Year on our own this year”. No explanations or apologies, and no going over and over it in your head.

I loathe people like her who bulldoze through life, not caring who they upset, yet expect everyone else to consider their feelings at all times. Just treat her the same way.

GU24Mum · 26/09/2017 11:15

Another one in the NBU camp. If you don't want to have your sister over every year for the foreseeable future then the best time to break the chain is now - every year will make the pattern more set in stone.
You've got three options:

  1. Tell her why you don't like her coming (probably not the best option!);
  2. Tell her that you aren't going to be inviting her for Christmas and wanted to let her know in time....
  3. Put up with it.
As others have said, if you decide on Option 2, be clear that YOU have decided that it won't be happening this year. If you say something like "I don't think we can........." or give a reason she can work round, you'll end up back at square 1. You don't need to be aggressive, just firm! I wouldn't suggest other plans to her as you'll feel bad if she tells you that you know how much she hates Aunt Flo etc.
Sashkin · 26/09/2017 11:16

He agrees with me, first Christmas in new home alone would be great but not really feasible

Why isn't it feasible? Say no, she can tantrum but it sounds like she will anyway so you might as well suit yourself...

expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 11:25

This is your home, your marriage, your Christmas. She is well into adulthood. She's your sister, if you can't be honest with a sibling, who can you be with. AJP is right. Tell her she'll need to make other plans, no compromises, no suggestions. Stop the cycle now or this will be the rest of your life. She's miserable and a lot of it is her own doing. 'We've decided together to have our first Christmas in our new home on our own. You'll need to make other plans.' Ignore her strops and tantrums. She's not a child, so enabling her.

LemonBreeland · 26/09/2017 11:29

I agree with others that you need to break the cycle or you will be hosting her forever for Christmas. Is that what you want for your future?

How far from you does she live? Does she have to stay over?

It is hard not to feel guilty, I had the same situation with my Mum, who is infinitely a nicer guest than your sister. You should not feel obligated.

Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 11:29

Option 2 it is then, wish me luck.

Another reason why I am going to do this is several years ago when our parents were still with us she insisted on inviting some people she had palled up with on an Internet forum for drinks. I was staying at home with them that year too as was pre DP. We were told in no uncertain terms when her guests arrived we could say hello but then were to go upstairs to our bedrooms and leave them to have fun. The room was a tip the next day and she flounced out leaving us to clear up.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 11:33

Oh, FFS, Semolina, she isn't just cheeky, she's a bullying git. PLEASE stop this! She walks all over you. Cut it the fuck out.

expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 11:34

And just email or text her. You don't owe her face to face or any of that shit.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/09/2017 11:37

How far away does she live? Could she just come for Christmas lunch?

Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 11:38

expat thank you. I really have needed to give my head a wobble on this and you and everyone else has given me the first push to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
SemolinaSilkpaws · 26/09/2017 11:39

25 miles away from me, no car and no public transport that day.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 11:42

You can't compromise with people like this, give alternatives, make suggestions. Because she's a pisstaking, manipulative, mean-spirited bully.

It doesn't matter if she's next door, Semolina, you have a right to a peaceful Christmas with your husband in your own home. Get a spine and make that happen.

You are not responsible for her happiness. She does a pretty good job of sabotaging that.

Don't make suggestions or alternatives. Keep it simple and firm.

Sashkin · 26/09/2017 11:45

Expat is right. Every update makes her sound worse and worse. If you don't want to spend two weeks waiting on her hand and foot over Christmas, tell her now.

IggyAce · 26/09/2017 12:21

I would definitely tell her, it's a new house for you so time to start some new traditions. I would offer her between Xmas and new year staying for 2 nights max ideally just the 1. Also a good idea to tell her to bring x as a contribution.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/09/2017 12:27

when our parents were still with us she insisted on inviting some people she had palled up with on an Internet forum for drinks ... we were told in no uncertain terms when her guests arrived we could say hello but then were to go upstairs to our bedrooms and leave them to have fun

Please tell me this is some sort of joke? In all honesty, just why would anyone put up with being treated like that??

I'd normally feel "it's Christmas, let's just try to include her", but some folk are beyond the pale. "Expat" is right: this behaviour is her choice, and yours can be to avoid it

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/09/2017 12:34

Yanbu at all!