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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why midwives are obsessed with making partners stand at the 'business end' during birth?

178 replies

sunshinestorm · 25/09/2017 11:20

Just something I have been thinking about since commenting on another thread about embarrassing labour stories.

During my first DC's birth (forceps in theatre) anybody stood at head level could see nothing but the blue sheet draped over my knees. I requested my DH stay up by my head but halfway through pushing (when I was too busy to say anything) someone pretty much grabbed him and told him (not asked) to go to my feet and watch. I'd pooed, had an episiotomy ect so it wasn't a pretty sight at all and, to be honest, I don't think it would take much intelligence to know most women wouldn't want their husband's attention drawn to that sight, let alone without even asking her first.

Second DC, straightforward birth but again during pushing the midwife kept trying to get DH to go down and watch, and kept pressing the issue when he politely declined each time, almost seeming annoyed that he wanted to stay up by me and support me ect. It felt odd to listen to someone invite somebody else down to look at a part of my own body without asking me first. The experience was still amazing for him, he still cried his eyes out when he saw DS take his first breaths, just didn't witness any of the gross bits.

Now, I know some people want their partner to see the full HD, gore and details but I think for a lot of people it really doesn't heighten the experience AT ALL and it isn't for everyone. In fact, most threads I see with pregnant women, they all say they want their partner there as a support person, not an observer, and will be much more comfortable with them staying 'head-end'.

I know 'in the moment' most women don't give a damn what's going on, but I'm just curious why medical staff seem to want partners to witness EVERYTHING?

OP posts:
Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 25/09/2017 11:24

I've had two babies dh was never pressured to do anything by the midwifes. He stayed up by my head.

splendidisolation · 25/09/2017 11:26

I'm going to be really interested to see replies to this.

I dont have children but would like to start thinking about it in say 2 years.

The other day at DP's family dinner I casually said if I ever give birth I dont intend to have the baby's father being allowed in to watch, adding that not only would I find it stressful (true) I also would consider it his punishment for not having to do the hard work (not true, just thought I'd tease them a bit, but I must admit I kind of see it that way).
They were absolutely appalled saying "oh no, the father must absolutely be there to support you!!!"

But to be honest, although its all rather theoretical for me atm, I would much rather have my mother or sister with me. I think they would be more help and reassuring actually although DP is great.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2017 11:27

I think whether or not the partner gets up close and personal is something the expectant couple should be encouraged to talk about before "game day." There's nothing wrong with someone not wanting to actually watch the birth, and the birth mother should obviously have the final say. If she doesn't want her partner looking, the discussion is over. That midwife of yours sounds like a real pain in the ass.

Elledouble · 25/09/2017 11:27

My partner was convinced he was going to stay by my head but ended up watching down the other end - I'm not sure if the midwife asked him to or not! He said watching the episiotomy was the worst bit...

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 25/09/2017 11:29

Erm, at a guess to see the baby come out Hmm

HeyRoly · 25/09/2017 11:29

That's very odd. I can't imagine many midwives forcing men to look. Unless, of course, it's just an attempt to get them involved at an exciting moment? I mean, they CAN say no.

My husband didn't want to cut the umbilical cords of our children and no one forced the issue.

katiegg · 25/09/2017 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sunshinestorm · 25/09/2017 11:31

I'm glad to hear not everyone has found this, but from talking to others in RL, it seems pretty standard that partners get encouraged to watch ect. and the mum never really gets any say. It's not really something you're encouraged to talk about with regards to birth plans ect. It just seems assumed that whoever is with you in the room is entitled to see everything.

splendidisolation- Yes, it's become a social norm for the father to be at the birth and it's seen as unacceptable by a lot of people to decide for a different birth partner. So I think some women aren't even fully comfortable with that but feel it's not really an option to not have them. Then on top of that, they're not afforded any degree of privacy at all in the birthing room (in my experience anyway)

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 25/09/2017 11:34

DH just said no thank you I'll stay here. Before the pushing started I had to send him out when they examined me internally. Didn't feel right. DH is a private man, when he shed a tear at DS1's birth he did it at the window with his back to the room. The midwife moithered and I had to gesture her to back off whist he collected himself.

They aren't very sensitive souls ime.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 25/09/2017 11:37

I made my DH promise he wouldn’t look when I was pregnant with my first.

He looked. He said you can’t not! They didn’t encourage him either, in fact I think they had to ask him to move his head out the way once or twice.

When I was pregnant with my 2nd, he said he was definitely looking again as it was fascinating and amazing, and that he would never be ‘put off’ as you just don’t associate it with sex. He recommends it to every man now 😂

I think if they do encourage it because it’s not as gruesome as people think it’s gonna be, but if the woman has specifically said that he’s to stay ‘up top’ then they should respect those wishes

splendidisolation · 25/09/2017 11:37

Sorry but fuck that.

If im carrying a baby for 9 months and am subjected to horrific pain getting it out, ill have the best person for me there, in my case my mother.

Sorry if that means DP doesnt get to experience the magical moment of the baby being prised out of my ravaged vagina, but i think its a small price to pay for being presented with a readymade baby 9 months after getting your leg over 😉

Ttbb · 25/09/2017 11:39

This has never happened to me. Offered but not encouraged or forced.

LightDrizzle · 25/09/2017 11:40

My ex stayed up the head end both times. It's that end that needs his input and support. I wouldn't be chuffed to have everyone disappear vulvawards at the most frightening part of delivery, the midwives have a job to do at that end, birth partners are there to support not spectate.
At our first antenatal classes, they invited recently delivered couples back with their babies to a session, to share their experiences with us. I vividly remember one couple, the woman was fine but I really think her husband was suffering PTSD. He was almost gibbering about his feelings of helplessness, seeing his wife in such pain, and then seeing her stretched and cut. He said he was struggling to get over it. Perhaps they should have screened the couples before inviting them!

shakingmyhead1 · 25/09/2017 11:42

i watched a birth once...... still having flash backs..... never again

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/09/2017 11:43

I think it's assumed most people want to see the birth. But if it's a definite no then obviously no-one should be pushed. Lol at the idea that no man should see it or it would put them off though. Most men witness the birth of their first child and go on to have more so it can't be that traumatisibg for them.

Anecdoche · 25/09/2017 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedBlu · 25/09/2017 11:46

I told my DP I wanted him to stay at head end.

Turns out, thanks for moronic midwifes not believing I was in established labour - I got sent home from the hospital and had DD at home six hours later. DP delivered her, so total sodding opposite of what I wanted Angry- it was all very quick though but he did talk about the “horror” of what he witnessed

Njordsgrrrl · 25/09/2017 11:47

From the threads on here about what DH's have done and said during labour I think they'd all be safer out of the way in a pub somewhere.

"You don't understand how tired I am and this chair is uncomfortable" being the least of it Grin

Njordsgrrrl · 25/09/2017 11:48

RedBlu's quote proving my point nicely there Wink

noeffingidea · 25/09/2017 11:50

This happened to us at my first birth. Unfortunately my (now ex) went along with it, even though he clearly didn't want to, and I didn't want him to either.
I'm not sure why he didn't just say no, perhaps he thought he was supposed to just do what he was told. I do still feel slightly bitter about it, I'm a private person and I feel we should have been supported to do things our way, rather than what the midwife thought we should have done.

implantsandaDyson · 25/09/2017 11:50

My husband stayed up with me for all three of mine (he just made dd2s birth by 5 mins). I think at one point with my first a midwife asked if he wanted to come down but we both said no and it was never mentioned again. I think he only cut the umbilical cord for our first as well.

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/09/2017 11:54

When I had DS, I was on my knees for the last bit. My now ex-h stood right in front of me stuffing his face with an all day breakfast sandwich which was a lovely sight while I pushed our giant son out. He then told everybody what "hard work" it had been Hmm

Terrylene · 25/09/2017 11:56

My DH stayed at the head end and no one made him do otherwise.

The only time anyone asked him to move was to swap sides of the bed during the birth of DTD2. This involved him passing the 'business end' with legs fully trussed and no end to the bed. Fortunately, he did look and was able to tell everyone in the room that he could see the head. They were all far too busy to be looking themselves Hmm

Goodness knows what would have happened otherwise. DH stayed until they did something. He tells me there is no way she would have fallen because he would have caught her. He is a very good catch Wink

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2017 11:56

My MIL was hounding me with my first to be in the delivery room, as if there could be anything worse. Not in this lifetime, lady.

tellitlikeitispls · 25/09/2017 11:58

Didn't happen at either of mine (although the first was an emergency breech so he had to stay out of the way anyway) , and DH would have point blank refused frankly.