to wonder why midwives are obsessed with making partners stand at the 'business end' during birth?

[sunshinestorm]

Just something I have been thinking about since commenting on another thread about embarrassing labour stories.

During my first DC's birth (forceps in theatre) anybody stood at head level could see nothing but the blue sheet draped over my knees. I requested my DH stay up by my head but halfway through pushing (when I was too busy to say anything) someone pretty much grabbed him and told him (not asked) to go to my feet and watch. I'd pooed, had an episiotomy ect so it wasn't a pretty sight at all and, to be honest, I don't think it would take much intelligence to know most women wouldn't want their husband's attention drawn to that sight, let alone without even asking her first.

Second DC, straightforward birth but again during pushing the midwife kept trying to get DH to go down and watch, and kept pressing the issue when he politely declined each time, almost seeming annoyed that he wanted to stay up by me and support me ect. It felt odd to listen to someone invite somebody else down to look at a part of my own body without asking me first. The experience was still amazing for him, he still cried his eyes out when he saw DS take his first breaths, just didn't witness any of the gross bits.

Now, I know some people want their partner to see the full HD, gore and details but I think for a lot of people it really doesn't heighten the experience AT ALL and it isn't for everyone. In fact, most threads I see with pregnant women, they all say they want their partner there as a support person, not an observer, and will be much more comfortable with them staying 'head-end'.

I know 'in the moment' most women don't give a damn what's going on, but I'm just curious why medical staff seem to want partners to witness EVERYTHING?

My husband asked me could he go further down and watch, the midwives didnt ask him. He watched our child being born and said it was one of the amazing moments in his life.

To be honest after the first time many years ago, given the choice I wouldn't have wanted to even be in the room for the 2nd but that's seems like a big no no nowadays so room it was. I had the misfortune of being at the business end due to a midwife saying she needed help and to be frank it was hideous.

splendidisolation Mon 25-Sep-17 11:26:22
I'm going to be really interested to see replies to this.

I dont have children but would like to start thinking about it in say 2 years.

The other day at DP's family dinner I casually said if I ever give birth I dont intend to have the baby's father being allowed in to watch, adding that not only would I find it stressful (true) I also would consider it his punishment for not having to do the hard work (not true, just thought I'd tease them a bit, but I must admit I kind of see it that way).
They were absolutely appalled saying "oh no, the father must absolutely be there to support you!!!"

But to be honest, although its all rather theoretical for me atm, I would much rather have my mother or sister with me. I think they would be more help and reassuring actually although DP is great.

Don't you think the father might want to be there to see the birth of his baby? Women's bodies, womens' choice yada yada, but its not just your baby. TBH with that attitude I wouldn't think about babies yet, you come across as though YOU will decide to have one, because YOU want one, not because you love your DP and want to create a life and build a family etc. Raising children is a shared experience, and you are both parents, not just you. I want to share all of that with h2b, and have him join in and share it all, especially the birth (if/when we get pg).

I've probably not articulated what I wanted to say very well but I hope you get what I mean.

I was not going to have my husband there when I assumed it was going to have to be a vaginal birth. No way did I ever want him seeing me going through something so horrific.

Thank fucking God kiddo was breech and stayed that way. Wasn't bothered by his presence during a cesarean.

No idea.

DH wasn't offered a look. He wouldn't (couldn't) have made himself anyway.

He was firmly at my shoulder's side the entire time.

I thought he was going to pass out when they asked if he wanted to cut the cord.

Women have every right to insist on privacy from a partner during birth if that is what they want. I've known a couple of women who have made this choice. It's valid if it is what they prefer. The guy can come in and see the baby two seconds after it's out.

splendidisolation and others

I think it's very sad to not have the father there.

DH would have been heartbroken. Having said that, he stayed firmly away from the business end and I don't blame him. For DC 2, I had a C-Section and after the birth and first cuddle, I was knocked out.

After those first checks on breathing etc, DH cuddled our baby whilst I was unconscious and being stitched up. He told me how much he loved that time with them.

I can't for a second think of a reason why you'd keep the father out. As for them being useful; that isn't their purpose. Moral support and being there for the highlight of their lives. Midwives and Drs are there to be 'helpful'.

Actually a lot of men find watching their DP/dw giving birth quite upsetting.
Because what they see is a lot of blood, pain, tearing.
So yes maybe it's magical to see a baby being born. But it is only if you can forget about all the 'bad' bits of it.

I know that my dad was moved out of the room when I was born because he became so white that he was told they needed to concentrate on my mum and couldnt also look after him (he really was close to passing out)
DH didn't get a chance to do so. I was holding his hand too tightly but his description of it was that really it was gore and nowehere near 'magical'

So I agree. This needs to be discussed before hands between the parents and NOT imposed by the MW.
Actually nowdays, I would put that in my birth plan (it only included what I did NOT want under no circumstances. Eg diamorphine)

Completely disrespectful to invite spectators.

It's not as though he doesn't know what's going on if he was interested and had permission he wouldn't need a MW to tell him to get over there.

I wonder if someone's the MW are trying to distract him from distracting the mother??

I had a c/s and I made DH promise not to look at the incision, my insides etc. He didn't.

ha yes,midwives do think they know best..every time, 4 ,they insisted dh had to be in the room when I'd said I was happier alone.nearly managed it with dc4 but no she went running to get him after I'd sent him out again....in my experience every time I was in labour I was treated kindly...but like a silly girl...who didn't know her own mind....ofcourse you want yr husband in the room,come on dad in you come ,mum needs you etc etc etc

But to be honest, although its all rather theoretical for me atm, I would much rather have my mother or sister with me. I think they would be more help and reassuring actually although DP is great.

I think that's sensible and there's evidence that women have faster labours as well. I had Dh there but felt pressured to let him have the experience I actually asked on a mn and was told I was awful for considering not having him there. It was fine in the end but he wasn't at all my births and I can't say I missed his presence.

The MWs at all 3 of my births just let us get on with things how we wanted to. DH rubbed my back and whatever, and I'm pretty sure he watched all 3 being born before cutting the cords. My births were pretty easy so there was no horror show.

I watched two of my siblings being born and it was the most incredible thing I've ever seen. Cut the cord for one of them too. I didn't think at all about the fact I was seeing my mother's private parts; all I saw was the baby crowning and then being born. Just a beautiful experience. I think it made me less afraid of giving birth when the time came for me.

Fortunately I didn't have that experience with any of mine. I think with the first two he was head end as there were lots of midwives/doctors doing stuff at the other end. Third one he was holding my hand but definitely watched the head coming out. I don't remember the midwife asking/telling him to be anywhere in particular though.

DH was at the head end with DD1 - the midwives didn't ask him to move down, but they did keep telling him to hold the gas and air thing in my mouth. As I didn't want the gas and air as I couldn't breathe round the damn thing to push properly (and to be honest when you arrive with the baby's head visible, gas and air really doesn't cut it) I was very close to ramming it up someone else's business end.

DD2 was a section. Nice and covered from the chest down so no danger of straying to the business end there.

My DP stayed by my head. Forceps and episiotomy. Would have tore someone's head off if they were pressuring him to go down there and watch

DH was at all my births, my mum would have faffed/panicked and stressed me out . But if he wouldn't have been helpful I wouldn't have had him there, honestly his magical experience is not my priority! I don't think he'd have been all that bothered, my labours were long and he mostly found them boring and tiring.

My DD had a Home Water Birth, me and her DP were her Birth Partners.

Just before the Head came out, the MW asked if we wanted a look. I declined because I could read my DDs expression.

It came out of the blue and hadn't been asked prior to that moment, which, given the vulnerable position that my DD was in, shouldn't have happened.

"Don't you think the father might want to be there to see the birth of his baby? "

The person who has to go through Labour gets to decide who is the Birth Partners.

Thanks for the heads up - I'm due in Jan and have sent my DH an email with this quoted saying on no account is he to be dragged down to the business end!

My mum was a midwife in the 70s. Men were generally not allowed to watch because midwives/nurses were too busy looking after the mother to deal with fainting fathers! My dad (given my mum's job) was allowed in to watch. I asked him once if it was true that women did a poo when they gave birth (god knows why I asked him - this was long before I had my own kids!) and he said 'well yes it does get a bit messy down there' and was very unfazed by it all.

I kind of had this too. My partner was encouraged to watch, which he felt obliged to do even though he didn't really want to. And then the midwife asked him if he wanted to touch the head and I burst out "Aren't you going to ask me if I mind?" Birth partners should be there to support you, not to be watching if you're not comfortable with it.

Raising children is a shared experience, and you are both parents, not just you.

Raising children is a shared experience. Giving birth to them is an individual one. No partner (however supportive, however keen to see the exact moment when the baby is born) is owed anything, at that point.

Childbirth is an exceptional time: the woman may be in intense pain, or heavily medicated, distressed, disoriented, on the verge of having major surgery. For that window of time, any preferences of the partner are immaterial, and it's very distressing when someone goes against your express wishes at the time when you are most vulnerable.

When my DS was born I was using a birthing stool so needed my husband behind me to support me! He was happier at that end anyway.

I can't for a second think of a reason why you'd keep the father out. As for them being useful; that isn't their purpose. Moral support and being there for the highlight of their lives. Midwives and Drs are there to be 'helpful'

Birthing partners are meant to be there to be your voice if you are unable to articulate your wishes, they are there to provide you with support and protect you from harm both real and perceived a decent one can make the birth process more comfortable quicker and far less stressful needing less medical intervention, The very point of them is that they are useful.

Often this will be the babies other parent or your own parent sometimes it will be someone totally different. They are not there as a spectator

Tbh I'd be quite fucked off as a midwife being told to encourage people to get in my way at work.

I might insist on being up close and personal to "experience the magic" next time my car gets serviced and see where that sort of chat gets me.