to wonder why midwives are obsessed with making partners stand at the 'business end' during birth?

[sunshinestorm]

Just something I have been thinking about since commenting on another thread about embarrassing labour stories.

During my first DC's birth (forceps in theatre) anybody stood at head level could see nothing but the blue sheet draped over my knees. I requested my DH stay up by my head but halfway through pushing (when I was too busy to say anything) someone pretty much grabbed him and told him (not asked) to go to my feet and watch. I'd pooed, had an episiotomy ect so it wasn't a pretty sight at all and, to be honest, I don't think it would take much intelligence to know most women wouldn't want their husband's attention drawn to that sight, let alone without even asking her first.

Second DC, straightforward birth but again during pushing the midwife kept trying to get DH to go down and watch, and kept pressing the issue when he politely declined each time, almost seeming annoyed that he wanted to stay up by me and support me ect. It felt odd to listen to someone invite somebody else down to look at a part of my own body without asking me first. The experience was still amazing for him, he still cried his eyes out when he saw DS take his first breaths, just didn't witness any of the gross bits.

Now, I know some people want their partner to see the full HD, gore and details but I think for a lot of people it really doesn't heighten the experience AT ALL and it isn't for everyone. In fact, most threads I see with pregnant women, they all say they want their partner there as a support person, not an observer, and will be much more comfortable with them staying 'head-end'.

I know 'in the moment' most women don't give a damn what's going on, but I'm just curious why medical staff seem to want partners to witness EVERYTHING?

I think this depends almost entirely on the couple and their relationship and the way that they interact physically.

I am someone who is pretty "open" about bodily stuff - DH and I shower together, go to the loo in front of each other without even thinking about it etc. etc. I've also been quite ill with gynae problems, and DH has had to help me out a fair bit, which has meant he's become pretty accustomed to the whole blood and guts end of things. I've also been right by his side whenever he's been unwell - whatever end it's coming out of! I don't think for one second he'd have any problem with watching me give birth. Nor has it ruined any "mystery" about sex - quite the reverse, in fact, it's become much more enjoyable.

EmGee- Yeah, a few decades ago men were expected to be out the room completely, yet nowadays they are firmly expected to be present. But each way, the element of choice and 'different things work for different people' is missing. I definitely think for a lot of couples, it works perfectly for the dad to be present. But I honestly think there are people who would prefer it the other way, there are men who don't find it moving and magical, and there are women who would feel more comfortable with their sister, mum ect supporting them. But it's almost taboo!

EezerGoode- Yes I definitely know what you mean about being treated kindly but like a silly child, not a grown woman at what's supposed to be the height of your feminine power.

I had a c-section. DP filmed it with his phone over the blue sheet! Now some people are going to be horrified by that, but I was interested to see it (otherwise I wouldn't have seen my son being born at all - I imagine that seeing someone slicing your body open first hand would be a bit much). I'd had a reaction to the spinal and was shaking so hard that I was focussing on that - I wanted him there, with the baby. I had all these medics with me, I was a grown adult, our baby needed him there, telling me how the baby was.

Different situation to coming out of my vagina admittedly - but I'm glad my DP knew what I wanted, and was there for the baby.

@Wheresmytaco

Exactly. Just look at some of the replies ive had here (page 3).

No, sorry, its not the partners "right" to have anything at all. Its why women are allowed to have babies or abortions completely irrespective of what the child in question's father would want.

For me personally childbirth is something that happens between a mother and her child. Im sorry of men feel left out of that process and need some kind of appeasement. Im sure some women loved having the support of their partners by their side, but equally im sure there are many who find havig the men in there just yet another stress. When you think about it, men do have such sacrifice-free access to having children. No pain, no danger, no changed body. They can deal with seeing their child 5 seconds later than the mother as far as im concerned.

Again, this is very personal to me but: Im close to my mother and I was a difficult birth for her. At a time when you yourself are bringing a child into the world, i think theres something very practically helpful but also deeply moving about your own mother holding your hand.

Men being present during labour is a new phenomenon really. I hope theres a few people out there who understand where im coming from because its difficult to pinpoint but: it has nothing to do with how i feel about my DP. Theres just something about it that I feel ought to be kept as a fully female experience...TO ME, anyway.

We never had that when I was in labour. My husband was sat on a chair by the side of the bed, at the top, holding my hands. The midwife never asked him to move to the other end at all. He stayed there until he was asked if he'd like to cut the cord, which he did.
I've never heard of that at all.

@sharksDen

"I think it's very sad to not have the father there.

DH would have been heartbroken. Having said that, he stayed firmly away from the business end and I don't blame him"

So he would have been heartbroken at missing this essential experience but didnt actually want to see the harrowing reality of childbirth.

OK.

nobody pressured my dp to do anything. i had probably said to him stay by my head but in the chaos of labour he ended up seeing the lot... my feelings now are completely different, it's such an amazing thing... why wouldn't he want to see! he's not disgusted by anything that happened during labour! it was a bloody miracle being there while our son was born.

My DH wasn’t pressured into anything, he chose to look, in a sort of horror film and couldn’t look away kind of thing! He was so traumatised he then felt the need to describe it in detail to all our families and close friends exactly what he saw and how he couldn’t even tell it was a baby at first 🙈 I think he was more traumatised than me, can’t fault my midwifes though, they were lovely!

At our first birth, my husband was repeatedly ushered down to the business end, despite the fact he wanted not to be there. I had an episiotomy and a bazillion tears and stitches and he says he was traumatised for weeks afterwards. He kindly told me that my 'arse turned inside out'!

2nd time, he knew better and stayed north.

I asked my DH if he wants to witness the birth of our 1st in a few weeks time and he was horrified. He's not even sure if he wants to cut the cord (asked him if he wanted to as I know it's an option). He wants to be there with me as I've asked him to be but if he decides on the day he wants to look then that's up to him. Sometimes curiosity gets the better of him.

I'm also glad I'm rather snappy when in pain. If someone tries to drag him down to the other end they'll get an earful from me 😂😂 and DH knows not to move. He's more worried I'll bite him than anything else.

Given that it will be the only thing you can plan, put it in your birh plan.

Birthing partners are meant to be there to be your voice if you are unable to articulate your wishes, they are there to provide you with support and protect you from harm both real and perceived a decent one can make the birth process more comfortable quicker and far less stressful needing less medical intervention, The very point of them is that they are useful.

Surely that's your partner. If it's not, should you really be having kids together?

I'm sure I used to be very squeamish, but decades of watching Grey's anatomy seem to have reduced that. I was disappointed that they put a screen up during DW CS so that from where I was sitting near her head I couldn't see anything.

I reckon NHS could make good money by letting random people family watch operations for a fee. (They could offer the patients a cut as an inducement.) They wouldn't even need operating rooms with viewing galleries, they could just send HD video streams over the intenet.

In fact I can see the potential for a new pay-TV channel, called "Sky Live Operations", maybe.

A (lovely) mw at one of my births produced a mirror and asked ME if I'd like to see the baby crowning. Fortunately she didn't insist. I preferred to stay blissfully ignorant of the visuals.

@Eliza9917 - I am so with you on this one, I thought that was a strange attitude.

To punish DH and not let him be at the birth because he's not biologically able to carry a baby is so strange

My DH calves cows for a living so fine with gore, vulvas and does a mean episiotomy.

1st baby he was anxiously hanging around the business end (unbeknown to me, he knew of someone who'd lost a baby due to undiagnosed breech) but once he had seen a head, he was back up the head end saying "good girl" and patting my leg like I was a nervous heifer. Second baby he was entirely occupied with the big buzzer on the tens machine.

It doesn't take away from the fact that you do feel vulnerable and undignified and out of control and would rather not have them remembering your nether bits as an enduring memory of the day!? I'm thinking water birth next time.

The closest DH got to the business end was holding my leg in a broken stirrup whilst it was fixed, he didn't look. It was an emergency situation and he was the least qualified person in the room so he'd have been in the way at that end.

With my first dh was down there and saw it all and he was in awe of the whole experience and still talks about how amazing it was. With our second I was on my knees so he didn’t see him come out which he is really disappointed about. I couldn’t have cared less where he was. If you’d asked him before becoming a dad he’d have said no way was he going anywhere near!

I frequently see posters says it's not a man's fault he can't get pregnant when his wife asks him to be home with her to "share" the mundane exhausting non drinking time of pregnancies. But as soon as that baby crowns it's his right to be there for it? which one is it? Why do they get to pick and choose and not the pregnant woman?

Reading this thread makes me quite sad, when I had DC1 my partner was by my side supporting me, and when the baby crowned, the MW said so, and he had a look and told me how well I was doing etc.
He made the baby with me, and he is the person I have chosen to spend my life with, so whether he has the 'right' to look or not, I was happy with him being part of such an exciting moment.
I didn't shout or scream at him, and I'd never restrict him - he's as much a part of what's going on as I was.

To punish DH and not let him be at the birth because he's not biologically able to carry a baby is so strange

It's not a bloody punishment. God forbid the woman birthing be more comfortable. It is a fact women birth easier without men. Isn't that slightly more important than "the magic"?

he's as much a part of what's going on as I was.

Sure he was.

I had an emergency section so no idea about this - I told my husband he was not allowed near the business end. I think he stood up to watch the second twin being lifted out but I was out of it so didn't really care at the time!

@Wheresmytaco Absolutely spot on.