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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why midwives are obsessed with making partners stand at the 'business end' during birth?

178 replies

sunshinestorm · 25/09/2017 11:20

Just something I have been thinking about since commenting on another thread about embarrassing labour stories.

During my first DC's birth (forceps in theatre) anybody stood at head level could see nothing but the blue sheet draped over my knees. I requested my DH stay up by my head but halfway through pushing (when I was too busy to say anything) someone pretty much grabbed him and told him (not asked) to go to my feet and watch. I'd pooed, had an episiotomy ect so it wasn't a pretty sight at all and, to be honest, I don't think it would take much intelligence to know most women wouldn't want their husband's attention drawn to that sight, let alone without even asking her first.

Second DC, straightforward birth but again during pushing the midwife kept trying to get DH to go down and watch, and kept pressing the issue when he politely declined each time, almost seeming annoyed that he wanted to stay up by me and support me ect. It felt odd to listen to someone invite somebody else down to look at a part of my own body without asking me first. The experience was still amazing for him, he still cried his eyes out when he saw DS take his first breaths, just didn't witness any of the gross bits.

Now, I know some people want their partner to see the full HD, gore and details but I think for a lot of people it really doesn't heighten the experience AT ALL and it isn't for everyone. In fact, most threads I see with pregnant women, they all say they want their partner there as a support person, not an observer, and will be much more comfortable with them staying 'head-end'.

I know 'in the moment' most women don't give a damn what's going on, but I'm just curious why medical staff seem to want partners to witness EVERYTHING?

OP posts:
jellypi3 · 25/09/2017 14:33

One of the hardest decisions for me was when they said I'd have to go to theatre and only DH or my Nan (who raised me so basically is my mum) could come in. Me and my Nan are super close, share everything, probably more than me and DH share. But I felt like convention these days dictated I needed DH to be there so he came.

I obviously don't begrudge him being there (and he stayed up the head end thankfully as it was a bit of a mess down below) but he didn't actually get to cut the cord or hold DD, she was whisked away to NNU straight away. I was so traumatised they ended up having to go and get my Nan because I just needed her there at that point.

I don't think it's a father right to be there and no health care professional should be asking the birth partner if they want to witness the birth down the business end, they should be asking the mother who is giving birth!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/09/2017 14:35

eliza

So all those men who didn't attend births to view the experance prior to it fairly recently becoming popular don't deserve to be parents?

Some men may not be up for the job but are wonderful fathers, some have to stay home to care for other kids and shock horror some women feel entitled to seek and gain support outside of their romantic relationship from people like oh I don't know other women.

There are a great many people who do not think a couple has to exclude everybody else and that each member of that couple are still people in their own right

Babyblues14 · 25/09/2017 14:37

My dh stayed at the top most of the time. The midwife did tell us she could see the head and baby had lots of hair so dh did have a look but he was never pressured into doing it

Eliza9917 · 25/09/2017 14:37

@TooLongLurking

Exactly

Eliza9917 · 25/09/2017 14:42

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 25-Sep-17 14:35:11
eliza

So all those men who didn't attend births to view the experance prior to it fairly recently becoming popular don't deserve to be parents?

Of course they do, I don't believe I said that they are only worthy if they attend the birth. That must be your interpretation

Some men may not be up for the job but are wonderful fathers, some have to stay home to care for other kids and shock horror some women feel entitled to seek and gain support outside of their romantic relationship from people like oh I don't know other women.

There are a great many people who do not think a couple has to exclude everybody else and that each member of that couple are still people in their own right

That's perfectly fine, and right, but when it comes to giving birth then that's really only a matter for the two parents, and the grandparents if the parents wish imo.

splendidisolation · 25/09/2017 14:44

@Eliza9917

"Surely that's your partner. If it's not, should you really be having kids together?"

We aren't all in codependent relationships though.

@toolonglurking
"he's as much a part of what's going on as I was."

Complete Disneyfication. In what possible world was your partner, sat watching you give birth, as much a part of your experience as you, physically struggling to push a baby out of you?
Its just bullshit. Its also sad that women are required to have all spheres of their life overrided. And now even the most basic of female realms, childbirth, is also something men suddenly have a fresh found right to take over.

Funny how men are so often "as much a part" of the fundamentally narcissistic act of watching their child being born - yet strangely, when divorce or separation happens, the vast, vast majority of these kids end up living with their mums.

MollyHuaCha · 25/09/2017 14:47

OP I'm with you!

Midwife offered me a mirror - I actually thought she was crackers for this suggestion - like why, why would I ever want to see a reflection of my flesh straining and ripping before my eyes???

When I declined the mirror, she invited DH to watch from the business end without consulting me. Despite being unable to speak, I made my feelings clear. His head belonged near mine, not the unborn baby's.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/09/2017 14:49

That's perfectly fine, and right, but when it comes to giving birth then that's really only a matter for the two parents, and the grandparents if the parents wish

No it's a matter solely for the person giving birth

NameChangr678 · 25/09/2017 14:54

fundamentally narcissistic act of watching their child being born

What the actual fuck

OhOurBilly · 25/09/2017 14:56

I think if dh had to choose now, he would probably let my dm go in with me to give birth. It was an EMCS and he was utterly traumatised, horrified and ashen faced. He is a big bloke, used to blood and gore, works in a somewhat blood and guts environment on occasion. He was grey, and useless. Couldn't even articulate what we had. The surgeon prompted him twice and he just did goldfish impressions.

I was gutted I couldn't see and felt really removed from it all physically. I asked him a few days later what it was like and he went pale and half whispered 'Billy, it was like a lion had just finished it's dinner" Grin in fairness I had a fairly sizable PPH, then went all cold and got the shakes so he was slightly distracted and thought I was going to die. Ten months on, he still can't talk about it really.

He was excellent up until the blue light transfer from MLU to hospital at 9 am on a Monday morning in a huge busy city, he had to drive the car so had to follow the ambulance and I think that tipped him over the edge.

BaggypantsCrimplesnitch · 25/09/2017 14:58

DH was with me, and immensely supportive, for the births of both our DCs, and I was glad to have him there. We never discussed which end he was going to stand, but as it turned out he found it absolutely fascinating and was holding my hand at full stretch while watching the actual deliveries!

I could have done without the detailed and unexpurgated description later of how my piles had inflated while I was pushing though... Confused

splendidisolation · 25/09/2017 14:59

@NameChangr678

Well isn't it? Surely the pleasure of watching your baby being born is the joy of seeing the product of your union being produced. A miniature version of you combined with your partner, a little soul you and your partner will be raising, feeding them up with your own life view and values.

There's nothing wrong with it, but it is a fundamentally narcissistic act and I dont think there's really any way you can escape that fact. What other reason is there for having kids other than the subconscious decision to create an extension of yourself and leave your trace on the earth once you've left it?

I mean if you just liked kids you could work at a nursery. If you like cuddly things you could get a puppy.

noeffingidea · 25/09/2017 15:02

If I had to choose again I wouldn't even have a birthing partner, at least not for my 2nd and 3rd births. I was fully capable of doing it on my own, and having to wait for my ex to park the car just held things up really.

NameChangr678 · 25/09/2017 15:16

What other reason is there for having kids other than the subconscious decision to create an extension of yourself and leave your trace on the earth once you've left it?

TBH, I do see what you're saying.

I once argued this exact point on Facebook (saying it could be seen as narcissistic to want your own kids instead of adopting, and that a lot of people e.g. Gemma Collins on TOWIE only have kids because they're unfulfilled and want something to "give their life meaning", which is fundamentally selfish). This was in a debate about people who don't want kids getting called "selfish". My friend absolutely laid into me so I don't trot that one out so much any more.....

splendidisolation · 25/09/2017 15:24

Totally!
"This was in a debate about people who don't want kids getting called "selfish"." ---> This argument is mind-boggling.

MsJuniper · 25/09/2017 16:02

DH said "I'll stay up the head end with you". I had to point out I was at both ends.

Sparklingbrook · 25/09/2017 16:17

DH stayed up at the head end both times. No way did I want him down the goal end.

Ecureuil · 25/09/2017 16:21

I had both mine up on my knees leaning forwards against the wall... there was no 'head end'. DH just stood next to me rubbing my back I think.

carefreeeee · 25/09/2017 16:35

Personal choice obvs but I feel that if the partner is there they should be supporting the mother and not just there to watch. It may be interesting but you wouldn't expect to watch other medical procedures - anyone invite their partners to watch them have a smear test? The father should be watching the business end only if that's what both parties want. Many men would be far too squeamish which is fine - I didn't want to watch my DH having his broken leg operated on - seeing him afterwards in lots of pain was bad enough.

TheNaze73 · 25/09/2017 17:24

YANBU. I've been asked to always spectate from behind the goal

redexpat · 25/09/2017 17:28

Dh was very firm that he was staying at the head end. He is really squeamish and didnt want to cut the cord either which caused more of a reaction.

EC22 · 25/09/2017 17:31

5 babies, my husband didn't see a thing, that's how we both wanted it, here was no pressure from midwife in anything.

balsamicbarbara · 25/09/2017 17:32

You think that's bad when I went in with DD2 they thought it would be a good idea to get out a mirror so I could watch baby come out myself as if I were checking out a hair cut or something

LS83 · 25/09/2017 17:47

As a midwife I can say we are not all 'obsessed' with this. It's important that maybe it's remembered that we are not witches putting spells on your helpless men - they can say no. I find it hard to believe that grown men can't speak up and refuse something they don't want to do.

ElizabethShaw · 25/09/2017 18:21

LS83 - do you ask men if they want to watch rather than asking women if they want spectators?