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AIBU?

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Original poster

to wonder why midwives are obsessed with making partners stand at the 'business end' during birth?

178 replies

sunshinestorm · 25/09/2017 11:20

Just something I have been thinking about since commenting on another thread about embarrassing labour stories.

During my first DC's birth (forceps in theatre) anybody stood at head level could see nothing but the blue sheet draped over my knees. I requested my DH stay up by my head but halfway through pushing (when I was too busy to say anything) someone pretty much grabbed him and told him (not asked) to go to my feet and watch. I'd pooed, had an episiotomy ect so it wasn't a pretty sight at all and, to be honest, I don't think it would take much intelligence to know most women wouldn't want their husband's attention drawn to that sight, let alone without even asking her first.

Second DC, straightforward birth but again during pushing the midwife kept trying to get DH to go down and watch, and kept pressing the issue when he politely declined each time, almost seeming annoyed that he wanted to stay up by me and support me ect. It felt odd to listen to someone invite somebody else down to look at a part of my own body without asking me first. The experience was still amazing for him, he still cried his eyes out when he saw DS take his first breaths, just didn't witness any of the gross bits.

Now, I know some people want their partner to see the full HD, gore and details but I think for a lot of people it really doesn't heighten the experience AT ALL and it isn't for everyone. In fact, most threads I see with pregnant women, they all say they want their partner there as a support person, not an observer, and will be much more comfortable with them staying 'head-end'.

I know 'in the moment' most women don't give a damn what's going on, but I'm just curious why medical staff seem to want partners to witness EVERYTHING?

OP posts:
LS83 · 25/09/2017 18:33

ElizabethShaw- no. I don't assume anyone wants to do anything and I never suggest anything of anyone. Just as I don't ask women if they want to touch a crowning head or look at it with a mirror- if they ask or do it, they can have whatever they want. If a partner heads for the tail end, that's a presumed decision between them and the woman - I'm not saying yes or no either way.

SoPassRemarkable · 25/09/2017 18:49

Agree that we're not obsessed at all.

I will often suggest it, as in "do you want to look, I can see the baby's head"

There are frequent complaints from men that they're made to feel a spare part/ignored my midwives during labour. So we take this on board and try to involve them as much as possible and are then accused of being obsessed.

Some men seem to welcome the suggestion, maybe they would be too worried about "getting in the way" if we didn't suggest it as an option. Others seem quite happy/confident to say "no thanks" and then I won't suggest it again.

Bambamber · 25/09/2017 18:50

I didn't mind what end my husband was to be honset, but he chose to stay by my head. His mother on the other hand stayed at the buisness end the whole time, even held the torch for the midwife while the midwife was checking me in the water. She did ask my husband if he wanted a look once the head was out, which he did willingly take a peek, then very swiftly returned to my head looking rather pale. I was asked by MIL when I went into labour if I minded her watching, and my husband also checked with me. No one was pressured into anything and my wishes were respected at all times

SoPassRemarkable · 25/09/2017 18:51

Meant to add, I would check with the woman as well.

Some couples I wouldn't suggest it as I get a very firm impression from the woman that it wouldn't be welcome.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 25/09/2017 19:23

Yes, it's become a social norm for the father to be at the birth and it's seen as unacceptable by a lot of people to decide for a different birth partner

I didn't want any one there other than the medical staff.

As it happened it was a planned caeserean birth so all over very quickly and husband was kept away from where the surgeon was working which suited me perfectly.

Facelikeafoot · 25/09/2017 19:34

Hullo-new on here. No pressure for hubby to visit that 'region' but lovely MW offered me a mirror so I could watch the miracle as it unfolded.......I declined for fear of passing out. 😳

Original poster
sunshinestorm · 25/09/2017 19:40

LS83- I think it's also the 'inviting/asking them to go and take a look WITHOUT asking the woman if it's okay with her, since it's about her body. I just found it very demeaning and undermining at hearing 'Do you want to go and take a look.. bla bla' It suddenly made me feel really panic-y because I wasn't able to talk to say I wasn't comfortable with that but I was very aware of what was being said.
I know men are capable of saying 'no thanks' but when suddenly asked in the moment it can throw them and they feel they have to go along with what the medical staff say.
I don't know, I just think there's something very wrong about inviting someone to look at another person's body and private parts without even consulting said person, or asking if they're okay with that.

OP posts:
balsamicbarbara · 25/09/2017 19:51

Oh I'm glad it wasn't just me who had the mirror treatment. I don't want to look at my fanjo on a normal day let alone when it's fit to burst.

ToadsforJustice · 25/09/2017 19:57

I can never forgive the MW who bullied my DH into observing my episiotomy and forcep delivery without my permission. Mind you, no one asked my permission for the junior doctors and students to watch my bloody and shit covered body push out my baby either. bitter No wonder I had my other DC at home.

averylongtimeago · 25/09/2017 19:59

Many moons ago when I had the twins, DH was instructed to stay at the "top end" and hold my hand. He was firmly instructed by the midwife that if he was going to faint, he should make sure he fell out of the way....
Mind you, there wouldn't have been room for him anywhere else. Senior registrar, senior midwife, two trainee midwives, aneasthatist, peadiatrition and assistant plus the dozen or so medical students lined up against the far wall. "You don't mind if they watch, do you mother? "

Original poster
sunshinestorm · 25/09/2017 20:02

@ToadsforJustice - that's awful! I can completely relate, I feel very bitter towards whoever it was ushered DH down to the business end for my forcep delivery. This is exactly the type of thing I mean.

I would have complained about students being allowed to watch without your permission. In fact, you can still can complain. That makes me so, so angry.

OP posts:
LS83 · 26/09/2017 20:06

@sunshinestorm - absolutely. Hence why I don't do it. But I also don't assume all midwives are obsessed with it.

Original poster
sunshinestorm · 26/09/2017 20:13

@LS83 Judging by this thread I've been unlucky with my 2 births, very glad it's not standard, just makes me sad it is something some of us experience. But yes the title isn't accurate at all. I wish I'd given staff feedback on the matter afterwards, particularly with the forceps delivery, I think making this thread has made me realise it was completely out of order.

OP posts:
T00ManyB00ks · 26/09/2017 20:45

I was glad I had dp with me! He was telling me he could see the head "she's got dark hair like you". It was exactly what I needed to get me through the next few pushes and it was beautiful.

LastNightMyWifeHooveredMyHead · 26/09/2017 20:52

My cousin has sevenchildren. At the first birth, her husband was dispatched to the business end, keeled over, banged his head, was out cold, cut his head wide open and generally caused more havoc than my cousin trying to deliver her child. For the six subsequent proceedings, he was firmly kept the right side of the blue cloth - by the surgical team, as his exploits had passed into the stuff of legend at that hospital.

I firmly believe that it's up to the person who is labouring whether or not she wants her birthing partner right next to her or watching from the other end - not the midwife's choice, nor the partner's alone.

howdoyoudecide · 26/09/2017 21:05

My DH was a amazing birth partner.

With DS I had asked him not to look but in the heat of the moment when the midwife told me I had to dig deep or she would need to intervene he knew what he had to do. He pulled back on my legs so I could really bear down and he therefore had a birds eye view. I didn't care. It worked. Two hour of pushing and he was born.

DD was one after 9 mins of pushing and I did a big poo as well. He was by my head for that one.

I really don't care. It hasn't affected him or me. He was my hero.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 26/09/2017 21:09

I've been present at over 50 births. The MWs haven't ever forced anyone down there in my experience, only told them that they should look now if they want to see baby coming out.

Original poster
sunshinestorm · 26/09/2017 21:13

GetOutOfMYGarden- I still think that's bad though if they're not asking the woman if it's okay with her.

OP posts:
GetOutOfMYGarden · 26/09/2017 21:17

There's a reasonable assumption that you're okay with your partner seeing your nunny if you're happy for him to be in the room while it's out, and the woman is free to say 'actually no, I don't want him seeing that'. Agree that the specific question should be raised during birth planning though.

Original poster
sunshinestorm · 26/09/2017 21:27

@GetOutOfMYGarden- No, I have to disagree... I was happy for DH to be in the room as somebody to support and encourage me but not to be a spectator- I was extremely uncomfortable with the thought of him observing any of the process close-up and seeing any of the gore and gross bits. Many women feel exactly the same. Just because someone is in the room doesn't mean you immediately lose any right to a degree of privacy and dignity in front of them where it can be afforded. In fact so many women are happy with them to be in the room entirely on the basis they stay right up the top end and don't look at anything. And during pushing at the height of a contraction, I could certainly hear my DH being asked to the business end but could not speak up and object. It made me feel this awful panic whilst I was trying to stay in the zone and get my baby out. As I said, there's just something so wrong at hearing somebody else invite another person to spectate and view your private parts without involving you in the conversation.
You're definitely right it should discussed prior to the birth, but it was one thing that I actually found wasn't brought up when discussing a birth plan with my midwife and is never mentioned on any online info either for some reason.

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 26/09/2017 21:41

I couldn't imagine giving birth without my DH being there to support me. I knew that I could rely on him to do whatever I needed him to do. I felt much calmer when he was there. Premature labour and I was scared as hell.
I had no problem with him watching. I think it helped him understand what I had gone through.
Don't most women poo when giving birth?

Original poster
sunshinestorm · 26/09/2017 21:49

@VoiceOfReason Yes some couples definitely prefer to do things that way but it's not for everybody. I also liked having DH to support me but wasn't happy for him to be down the business end watching and felt it wasn't really for somebody else to decide that's where he should be. I totally understand some women want their partners to witness the whole thing but believe we should all have a choice in the matter and not be made uncomfortable at such a vulnerable time and should remain in control of our own bodies.
Yes I think poo is an element of most labours but I can still understand why a lot of women aren't happy with the thought of their DH being down there watching it happen, normal or not. And that's only one aspect of why people are happier with their partners staying top-end imo

OP posts:
Mandraki · 26/09/2017 22:57

I gave birth last week and husband went between head and fanny end, nobody forced him to go anywhere or do anything; he just had a look when he felt like it!

ToadsforJustice · 26/09/2017 23:32

I still feel that anyone, DH, partner, MW, doctors etc should ask permission before gawping at the "business end". Just because a women is half naked and has her legs jacked open doesn't mean it's a free for all for anyone in the room. Please respect a woman's body privacy and dignity. Labour is not a spectator sport.

blackteasplease · 26/09/2017 23:51

I can't remember where in the room my xh was standing either time!