to wonder why midwives are obsessed with making partners stand at the 'business end' during birth?

[sunshinestorm]

Just something I have been thinking about since commenting on another thread about embarrassing labour stories.

During my first DC's birth (forceps in theatre) anybody stood at head level could see nothing but the blue sheet draped over my knees. I requested my DH stay up by my head but halfway through pushing (when I was too busy to say anything) someone pretty much grabbed him and told him (not asked) to go to my feet and watch. I'd pooed, had an episiotomy ect so it wasn't a pretty sight at all and, to be honest, I don't think it would take much intelligence to know most women wouldn't want their husband's attention drawn to that sight, let alone without even asking her first.

Second DC, straightforward birth but again during pushing the midwife kept trying to get DH to go down and watch, and kept pressing the issue when he politely declined each time, almost seeming annoyed that he wanted to stay up by me and support me ect. It felt odd to listen to someone invite somebody else down to look at a part of my own body without asking me first. The experience was still amazing for him, he still cried his eyes out when he saw DS take his first breaths, just didn't witness any of the gross bits.

Now, I know some people want their partner to see the full HD, gore and details but I think for a lot of people it really doesn't heighten the experience AT ALL and it isn't for everyone. In fact, most threads I see with pregnant women, they all say they want their partner there as a support person, not an observer, and will be much more comfortable with them staying 'head-end'.

I know 'in the moment' most women don't give a damn what's going on, but I'm just curious why medical staff seem to want partners to witness EVERYTHING?

I'm noting the ex-h there MrsC. My ex-h#1 had one job. One. Just the give the place a quick hoover before I came home. But the trauma of having missed a Euro 2000 game was too much for him...

When DS1 was born my (now ex)DH was made to hold one of my legs like a human stirrup whilst the midwife held the other. It totally inhibited my pushing, thus resulting in an episiotomy and ventouse. I could see the horror on his face at seeing the cut happen and my bulging fanny and bumhole. It was never really the same again..

I decided with DS2 it would be very different. A water-birth with the whole of my lower half under water so no one could see my bits and my (new) DH behind me with his arms under my armpits. It was great!

DH watched and told me afterwards that it was like seeing a flower unfurl too many tokes on the g&a I suspect

Not even in the same room, DH was so relived that was my request

OP - thank you for sharing and sorry to hear you had to deal with the extra stress during your first birth. 😔

Currently pregnant with my first baby and we've had the discussions already, husband is under strict orders not to look down that end and he's more than fine with this. He's quite forceful so if the midwife tries to force the issue during labour I think he will stand his ground. I'm grateful to you for sharing so that I'm at least on notice that we may need to be forceful when standing our ground. I'm really sorry to hear that your midwife added to your stress levels by doing this to you though.

I had a forceps first delivery and the doctor told DH to stay up by my head as it wasn't very pleasant to see. He didn't need telling twice. Second birth was more 'natural' but he still stayed up by my head.

A friend had a very easy birth second time round with absolutely no intervention necessary and her DH was asked if he wanted to watch/cut the cord etc. He said it was a great experience. No blood/gore at all.

Never happened with my DH but he was practically sat on the widowsill as he kept backing away, when they asked if he wanted to cut the cord he practically shouted no and almost passed out

OP you are so right, and I have no idea why they think it's a good idea.

20 mins after having DS2 midwife finishes my stitches and asks DH (ignoring me) if he wants to have a look wtf?! I politely declined and reminded them both he wouldn't be checking out the result for the foreseeable

I can't remember which end dh was at. He took photos of ds4 being born (c-section) so he would have seen that one although he must have been standing by my head. No idea with the others though.

My children arrived in the world by two emergency c-sections and one elective c-section . On all occasions I was firmly told to stay out of the way and was very glad to do so. The last thing the theatre staff need is a husband fainting at the site of his wife being opened up!

I couldn't honestly tell you where my DH was standing during the birth of our dc. He has seen it all already -pregnancy is a real eye opener, so I wasn't too worried about what was happening around me while our dc were coming into the world. I'm sure he was just glad that men can't give birth so he let me get on with it 😂

My dh had instructions to stay at the head end too.

My OH wasn't asked even once during my births. He stayed at my head end the whole time.

Very sorry you had that experience, and I have no idea why anyone would do that to either of you! Seems very disempowering for you as well.

With Ds1, DH had every intention of staying up the head end, and would have too, except that I had to get him to fetch a MW to the observation room for me when I felt DS1 "move down" (presumably crown) - I wasn't even in a delivery room as they didn't think I was going to do much and they had a lot of emergencies going on.
Anyway, one MW sauntered back in with DH, then yelped "there's the head!" and hit the red panic button - another MW came charging in and grabbed one foot, placing it on her bust, and someone else grabbed the other foot while the MW checked the cord etc. - 1 push later and DS1 was out!
Turned out that the other "someone" with my other foot was DH - they had no time to get anyone else in to hold it, so he had to. Don't know how much he watched, but DS1 was pretty much out in a couple of minutes so I don't think he saw anything too awful (I was very lucky, no poo and no tearing - I'd been pooing all day, and my waters had even broken down the loo).

DS2 - very managed birth - needed to be turned, then I was put on a drip, and they tried to break my waters for me (eventually managed it); he got stuck, but they turned me onto my back to do a quick ultrasound and he "dropped clear" of the anterior lip and was also born very quickly - one push for the head, and another and he was out! DH was, as far as I remember, up my end for that one because there were so many people down the other end, including my student MW (the one who saw the head pop out) and my consultant, who had de-gloved to do an ultrasound so wasn't able to "catch" the baby! At least 2 other MWs and possibly some students in there too (I was an "interesting case").
I was totally out of it - didn't even register what I'd done for nearly a minute - wondered what the squirmy thing they put on my tummy was!!

So I think you were unlucky to get such pushy MWs - they should take your/your DH's preferences into consideration. If anyone had been trying to take my fingers and make me touch my baby's head while he was exiting, I'd have been very cross as well - autonomy, people!!

I had an elective section with DD2.

When they lifted her out, the midwife grabbed my husband and ushered him round to cut the cord and tell me the sex. He just kind of did as he was told. She didn't ask me if it was ok. He saw everything - they hadn't stitched me up yet. He found it fairly traumatising.

Didn't really bother me at the time but thinking about it, she probably should have asked me if it was ok.

DH wasn't pressured to go down the business end but he was pressured to cut the cord, which really annoyed us both. We kept saying no (he's pretty squeamish and can feel really faint at the sight of blood etc) but they wouldn't accept it and he finally did it to shut them up. Second time around we firmly said from the very start that there would be no cord cutting and luckily they respected our wishes.

First pregnancy, my DH was by me but the birth went a little wrong. They needed to use forceps in the end. He of course was concerned for our DS so kept looking down to see what was happening. I had no problems with that, because in all honestly all modesty went out the window. I wouldn't have cared if I had an audience at that stage, I just wanted my baby out safety.

Second pregnancy, the midwife forced my DH to hold my feet and be at the bottom end. He didn't want to be, and I never expected him to be. My midwife was truly awful, and turned a magical moment into a horror movie, so my DH was my main focal point and was amazing. He encouraged, and reassured. He may as well have been my midwife. Midwife on the other end seemed to have a problem with my DH and kept making nasty comments (as if he was being useless - he wasn't!) and tutting at him. She's lucky I was busy pushing otherwise I would have had a few choice words for her.
She also asked if I wanted to be cut, I said yes (I was really struggling), and she then said no il let you tear (2nd degree tear). Why give me the option in the first place if you're not willing?! .

I gave birth standing up the first time so he'd have had to be lying on the floor (like the poor midwife!) to see anything. Other births were water births so short of getting some snorkelling kit on, there wasn't much to see.
Another great benefit of labouring upright!

DH stayed at the head end until I bit him. Then he fucked off to cut the cord.

We hadn't really discussed in advance which end he would observe proceedings from. If I'd thought about it I'd probably have opted to have him by my head, but during the carnage I didn't care.

He knew better than to ask me where I wanted him to go...

My dh wasn't and I don't know any who were!

DP stood at my side, around the middle, he cut the cord when they laid DS on my tummy/chest. There was no pressure from anyone for him to stand at the business end but maybe that was because I was in theatre with them having one last go at forceps before they operated.

"Until I bit him" "and knew better than to ask where I wanted him to go" Fantastic

I may have told ex#2 to FOTTFSOFATFOSM too

Husbands weren't allowed in when I had mine. He'd have been rubbish anyway.

I’m 34 weeks. He can be wherever he wants during it. If he got me pregnant, he gets to see the aboslute horror it does to my vagina just to get his baby out. I want him to see me poop, tear, whatever. All the blood. He needs to see and experience it. Then maybe the talk about having another one will die down for a few more years!

This has just reinforced why I was scared of a hospital birth. I had a home birth in the end and the midwives were really respectful and pretty much stayed out of the way.

I was getting excited when I could feel the baby was getting closer so did my own little internal to see how close. Upon realising the baby was only about 2cm away I was amazed and got DH to feel for the head too!

When DS's head came out, I said "the head has come. DH, go see!!"

Seems I'm in the minority.

I was in the pool though so it all felt pretty clean and protected