to wonder why midwives are obsessed with making partners stand at the 'business end' during birth?

[sunshinestorm]

Just something I have been thinking about since commenting on another thread about embarrassing labour stories.

During my first DC's birth (forceps in theatre) anybody stood at head level could see nothing but the blue sheet draped over my knees. I requested my DH stay up by my head but halfway through pushing (when I was too busy to say anything) someone pretty much grabbed him and told him (not asked) to go to my feet and watch. I'd pooed, had an episiotomy ect so it wasn't a pretty sight at all and, to be honest, I don't think it would take much intelligence to know most women wouldn't want their husband's attention drawn to that sight, let alone without even asking her first.

Second DC, straightforward birth but again during pushing the midwife kept trying to get DH to go down and watch, and kept pressing the issue when he politely declined each time, almost seeming annoyed that he wanted to stay up by me and support me ect. It felt odd to listen to someone invite somebody else down to look at a part of my own body without asking me first. The experience was still amazing for him, he still cried his eyes out when he saw DS take his first breaths, just didn't witness any of the gross bits.

Now, I know some people want their partner to see the full HD, gore and details but I think for a lot of people it really doesn't heighten the experience AT ALL and it isn't for everyone. In fact, most threads I see with pregnant women, they all say they want their partner there as a support person, not an observer, and will be much more comfortable with them staying 'head-end'.

I know 'in the moment' most women don't give a damn what's going on, but I'm just curious why medical staff seem to want partners to witness EVERYTHING?

I have a gay friend who was previously married (to a woman) and has a child. He watched his baby come out and said it turned him!!! 😂😂😂 he added he was never a huge fan in the first place tho!!

I don't recall pressure to look but they kept asking if we wanted to touch the head when crowning.... seriously I could hardly breath let alone muster the strength to touch something.

I agree with you Toads - and although I had a lot of people in my labour room with no. 2, at least I had been asked if I minded (I didn't).

There are frequent complaints from men that they're made to feel a spare part/ignored my midwives during labour.

Fucking men.... Midwives are there for the mother and to deliver the baby, so sorry the poor little men folk don't feel 'involved' in the process FFS!

DP looked both times, we haven't had sex since and its been seven years.

Getoutofmygarden why is that a reasonable assumption?

Eurgh thought it was just me! Bloody midwife pestering shell shocked DH to go look at the other end did NOT help me labouring to squeeze baby's head out!! I screeched "don't go!" And grabbed the poor man's arm even more viciously. Afterwards (many weeks afterwards) I asked him why he had started to go in that direction - did you really want to see? No, he said, just doing as I was told... bloody midwife. She was fab in all other aspects though and I can see how she must have an enthusiasm for watching babies come out which she probably just wanted to share.

Didnt rtft

Really glad I somehow found the strength to say something/dig my nails in.. I absolutely did not want DH to see any of the business going on. But the midwife didn't bloody ask me.

The more I read the thread and think about my own experience the more I'm pissed off actually.

SplendidIsolation

l had my mum instead of DH at the birth. Was brilliant

Again, this is very personal to me but: Im close to my mother and I was a difficult birth for her. At a time when you yourself are bringing a child into the world, i think theres something very practically helpful but also deeply moving about your own mother holding your hand.

This is lovely.

Well when you have an unplanned home birth and your husband is the only other person in the house then he has no choice but to be down the business end.
Two other births since and I couldn't tell you if he watched them coming out or not, but I think he did because I was kneeling on the bed so it would have been easy for him to see.
For me it should be his choice if he wants to see or not. In the throws of giving birth I have never cared if the pope himself wanted to have a look.

My DH always tells other expectant Dads that even if you stay at the head end, as most women are around 5"5 you are going to see the business end whether you want to or not

I mentioned upthread that I gave birth on my knees so there was no 'business end' as such. Did most people on here give birth lying down? I thought that was generally discouraged. With DD1 I was lying down and getting nowhere with pushing, then got up on to my knees (leaning forwards slightly on to the wall for support) and she flew out!

I wasn't on my knees, he was still at my shoulder talking to me. You might see the baby emerging if you look but it's not the same as being that end and looking.

I was in my knees.

Yeah I understand that Wheresmytaco, it's just with so many people mentioning 'head end' and 'business end' I wondered if most people give birth lying down.

DH was at my shoulder too, no one encouraged him to go elsewhere.

I can't imagine why anyone would want a ringside seat to see their partners insides turning inside out as some tiny wrinkled person clambered out . Or why you'd want a mirror. It's like your dentist offering to video your root canal surgery so you can watch it back later.

DP was at my shoulder / side the whole time except for cutting the cord, mostly because I was so ill (sepsis) that there just wasn't room for him to have a view at the business end. I'm really glad I came across thread because DC2 is due two weeks on Monday and it'll be at my local hospital instead of a maternity hospital so I'm definitely adding to my 'birth plan' that DP is not to watch.

TBH, I didin't care were my DH was in the room during the births of my DC's as long as he was there, sometimes he was holding my hand and at other points wasn't, in my opinion men should be allowed to see the birth to understand what your going through and I didnt have any issue with my DC seeing what was happening. We are intimate so I don't have a problem.

My DH hates hospitals, needles, blood and medical staff. So, while he was there with me while I was being induced, I had chosen a friend and SIL to support me during the actual birth. Just as I was being wheeled off to have emergency C-Section he announced very loudly: well I'm off to MacDonalds . I didn't mind but there was a collective intake of breath from everyone else on the ward.

DW wouldn't have cared either way, but I wanted to be at the head end supporting her, and nobody batted an eyelid or even hinted that I might want to be anywhere else.

Ecureil why would giving birth laying down be discouraged? It's actually quite efficient, at least in our society where most women aren't used to squatting.

why would giving birth laying down be discouraged
Lying on your back is not a good position to give birth in. I thought generally upright positions were encouraged, until I watched some OBEM when everyone seemed to be lying down.

Quite a lot of the reading I did pre-birth mentioned that we should really be upright giving birth. Lying down is supposed to slow things down. OBEM is apparently not a great example. As someone said to me, if you knew you were going to be on tv you probably wouldn't want it to be on all fours!

Yes, it makes sense that being flat on your back isn't the best position for giving birth.. I'd imagine squatting would mean you'd have gravity aiding you as well.
Apparently most women give birth on their backs in this country though.