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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 18/09/2017 16:07

He sounds nice but I understand why you are wary.
Time will tell but don't let your past ruin your future Flowers

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 16:07

Good 'love bombing' and see what you think. Don't Google the murder of Helen Bailey. Personally, all this would be too suffocating for me but I'm also a very independent person and didn't date but casually for a couple of years after my separation.

Shoxfordian · 18/09/2017 16:08

I would find all this too much too soon and would definitely need more space in a relationship

It doesn't sound like you're that comfortable with this much contact either as you're posting on here

LilaoftheGreenwood · 18/09/2017 16:09

Very full on for 5 weeks and two dates in. YANBU. And it's not really "nice" is it, the way you're describing it sounds like you're actually a bit annoyed and unnerved, which is exactly how I would be!

That doesn't have to mean it's sinister as such, could just be immaturity (not sure that is much better!). What do you feel like you want to do?

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 18/09/2017 16:10

That does sound over the top. I'm always suspicious when people are so intense early on. Could be love bombing, or controlling. Or he might be perfectly OK and just isn't great at this stuff. Either way, if you're not comfortable with it you do not have to stay or feel guilty just because he is 'nice.

AlexaAmbidextra · 18/09/2017 16:11

This would make me panic and run but then I'm a bit of a commitment phobic. He sounds very needy.

peachgreen · 18/09/2017 16:12

Mumsnet will tell you to run a mile as he's being too full on, and if it's making you uncomfortable (i.e. you say you feel that he needs constant contact / attention and it seems like that's a bad thing from your perspective which is totally fine) then you probably should.

BUT my DH was like this - not clingy, but always first to get in touch, messaged / called me regularly, bought me little presents / things I might have mentioned (including a Kindle!), was very open about his feelings etc and it really was all genuine and just because he was really in to me! I wasn't used to that either and it took me a LONG time to trust it - in fact, I don't think I did until we got married!

So it's not always a warning sign. But even if it is genuine, if it makes you uncomfortable, he's probably not the guy for you.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:13

Quite ironic as with husband when we first met and last man it was me doing all the contact and being the clingy person. Not me being full on sending memes about I want you etc umpteen times a day. I mentioned to one of our mutual friends who's opinion and views I trust and he said it may just be Hes excited to be dating a younger attractive woman and Hes a bit over excited by it all . Hes told a couple of his friends about me, has me as his phone screen saver . He doesn't know.my address , hasn't been to my house or anything like that

OP posts:
ZaraW · 18/09/2017 16:14

Sounds too intense I would hate it. He is too needy.

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/09/2017 16:17

He sounds very keen.

What's his relationship history?

TheViceOfReason · 18/09/2017 16:17

Buying an expensive present on date 2 and having you as a phone screen saver is odd. Very odd.

You need to tell him he is being too intense - and i would cite those 2 examples. If he doesn't get your point and calm down then you need to think twice.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 18/09/2017 16:19

My dh was very nice when we met. .
He is still very nice 5 years on!
The world is full of weirdos but there ARE still some nice men out there!

TheNaze73 · 18/09/2017 16:20

I'd be put off with that level of intensity after 6 months, let alone 2 dates. I'd end it

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:20

Today is the best example. Message went as follows..
Him: is it ok to ring you when I am on my lunch
Me: Yes. Speak to you later..
Him: ok, would be nice to have a nice message from you waiting for me when I come back to my phone.

I ignored this as I had the same request last night at bed time and had sent one for him to wake up to.

Lunch time comes around.
Him: no message from you (sad face emoji)
Me: no, I have been busy in a meeting.
Him: oh ok I will let you off then
Me: Cheers!!!!! (This was meant to be flat and a bit sarky)

I Am being very careful not to say anywhere sorry or to dress up not doing this with excuses and placate him in any way. I like exchanging messages don't.Get me wrong not having them asked for and me having to come up with something

OP posts:
Cath2907 · 18/09/2017 16:20

peachgreen - ditto here. I met my now husband on-line dating. We spent some weeks getting to know one another virtually before we met in person and once we did he was smitten and made it clear he thought I was the one. He was very attentive and always quick to call to arrange dates. I was a little unnerved and considered calling it off a couple of times. However after about 6 - 8 weeks he settled a bit and now after nearly 12 years of marriage he is VERY un-attentive, forget s our wedding anniversary and is completely normally rubbish!

However I did dump a guy who got angry with me on a second date because he thought we'd be doing something that weekend (I hadn't arranged anything with him) and had cancelled a trip to Amsterdam just so he could spend time with me. When he said "so what are we doing this weekend" and I said "dunno about you but I am off to N. Wales to see parents" he got in a right strop. WAY too much for me on date 2.

My hubby has a lovely friend who is still single in his late 30s because he does this. Perfectly normal guy but a bit OTT and gives off that desperate for love vibe.

Perhaps give the guy a couple more dates and see if he gets himself under control. Reserve the right to run for the hills if he is still a nutter in 3 dates time!

sourpatchkid · 18/09/2017 16:21

Nope - sorry, screen saver is too much. Red flag for me

JessicaEccles · 18/09/2017 16:21

When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile

Gah!!!! Where's his personality????

BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 18/09/2017 16:22

That sounds all a bit much when you've only been on 2 dates! Phone calls everyday already? You're his screensaver.

I'd be backing away very slowly. Far too intense and over the top.

sourpatchkid · 18/09/2017 16:23

Plus he's annoying you - if you don't like him why would you date him?

Hissy · 18/09/2017 16:24

Hmm... My OH is attentive, devoted and was fairly full on at the beginning

but all the needy sad face and guilt tripping 'it would be nice' stuff would put me RIGHT off.

I would be backing off

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 18/09/2017 16:25

would be nice to have a nice message from you waiting for me when I come back to my phone
Hmm
He sounds controlling. As pp said - google love bombing. I think there are red flags here.

Cath2907 · 18/09/2017 16:25

Ok - just read your update... It would be nice to have a message waiting for me at lunch???? Yeah and it would be nice to wind the lottery.. your chances of both are about equal if you are dating me!

I'd be hot footing it out of there if I am honest. He isn't just being a bit over-generous with his feelings he is asking you to be a certain way. A big no-no for me. I express my feelings and communicate the way I want to and as often as I want to, you don't like it that is up to you.

PaintingByNumbers · 18/09/2017 16:26

Those messages sound potentially/well I would say actually controlling and I wouldnt take a relationship further
I wouldnt say that for the way you describe it in your op, as some men are just like that, but I dont like the tone of those messages. At all.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:27

The perfume was around £25 so not extravagantly expensive. He simply said he likes to surprise people.

Dating history is teenage child from long term relationship where she apparently cheated on him. They split around 12 years ago. Sees child weekly . He has said a few times when we were talking and I asked what things are unacceptable to him in a relationship and he said cheating is one as is lying. Which is fair enough.

Last relationship was with a woman who he dated for several years they were planning to buy property together which she put down money for and she went back to her ex husband who she was separating from. Did make me wonder why he would choose to get involved with me when I am going through a separation as it's a similar set up to the last woman. So maybe that's why he's a but full on . Maybe it's him worrying it will end up like the last relationship perhaps. As Hes asked a few times if we are defo over and if it's for good

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 18/09/2017 16:27

I'd be wary of him.

Sounds like a man I dated briefly- turned out to be a domestic abuser.