New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

[Rejectedwoman]

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

Nothing is wrong with you, OP.
This man was not such a great catch and you're lucky he's taken himself off. He's the one with something wrong, for not appreciating you.

Mxyzptlk really? Have I come onto a different thread? The man didn’t appreciate her? He was all over wanting to be with her. The op didn’t want to be with him. Then suddenly she does and now that he has done what she did to him she is huffing about it. Pathetic really.

Quack. I came here asking for advice as my ex I was with 15 years , he had been abusive and I hadn't had much dating experience. I was cautious and worried that he was going to turn out the be he sort of Person he has shown himself to be. I cooled things I didn't ghost him, I didn't lie to him and have him sat there worried about me and my state of mind. I didn't start messing about all over Twitter and social media deleting Will trace of him, lying that my kids had been asking about him or messing about with my ex. I did none of those things.

You have fallen for a narcissist. His tactics are working and he will be back. Run for the hills now otherwise and I don't mean this lightly ..welcome to hell.

Trust your gut on this.

Op - do you really want to be with a man who makes you feel like this? Notch it up to experience.

There’s nothing wrong with you!

That’s why this narc has moved on. He knows you’re too strong for him.

You’re well shot of him.

Don’t allow yourself to get sentimental, your gut saved you here!

If your ex was also abusive, you’re more vulnerable to manipulators. You need to address that my dear, toughen up a little, trust yourself and value yourself above all others.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Trust me (((Hug)))

Have faith! There is better coming for you, but it won’t find you if you’re tangled up with negativity and manipulative people

I agree with Nurse, he may well be back when it suits him. And that's worrying.
I know that right now you're grieving what you thought you had, OP, and it's very painful. But the fact that you went ahead with this relationship despite your own doubts, despite all the red flags he was waving, and despite lots of excellent advice on here does show that you are very vulnerable to this man's manipulation.
Reading the books suggested eg Gift of Fear, and getting some counselling if possible, working on your self-esteem with books and online, will all help you regardless of what this man does next. You do need to strengthen your boundaries and self-esteem to avoid being blown around by this man's needs and coercive behaviour in the future (or another similar). Apart from anything else it sucks up so much if your energy and is so damn painful.

Yes a dull ache and a sick feeling is the best way to describe it. I don't think he will be back. Not heard a peep out of him

Right I've never been blunt but (to be kind I think you need it )
He has wooed you by reading what you wanted and he gave you what you wanted to make you fall for him. At the beginning he was full on because he loves the game of making women want him , it's good for his ego. He loves the things you love. He agrees with your morals,thoughts on politics,religion,etc. He basically became your ideal man. He was there if you had a bad day, agreeing never challenging etc. I believe this is known as lovebombing. Is this a true low down of this man ? If it is - you have to know - the man you are missing,wondering how to get back, does not exist. He was not the man you knew ,he made himself into the man he thought he could hook you into. Do not miss him. Be thankful this person has gone and don't spend your time fretting the why's and the wherefores.

Ahh so because the man doesn’t want to be with the op he is a cunt basically. I think that’s out of order really. He was a bit full on but so are many guys and they aren’t bastards. Op is raging that when she wanted him he now doesn’t and that doesn’t make him a bad guy. Women have turned down men for a lot less and that seems to be accepted. His reasons for removing you from his life whatever they may be are valid, just like they were when you did the same. You seem a bit odd op. This thread is odd and I’m really struggling to understand it. If it’s just me then fair enough but you are just annoying now op.

No - I disagree. He was weird from the start. Even more so at the end. Are you just guessing about it being the ex he's friended? It wouldn't surprise me if it's someone new. He started looking when you asked him to back off a bit but kept you going till he'd found a more susceptible victim. Do you know for sure he'd actually lost his job? I know someone who was 'let go' because the guy said his aunt had developed a brain tumour. Total fabrication.

We can't live our lives suspecting everyone of telling lies, but it's surprising how many fantasists inhabit the dating scene. I wonder how many times he's done this before.

I am also baffled - you said he came on too strong, and was a bit weird and YOU broke things off. He's moved on. You can't have it both ways.

I've met some narcy manipulative types and this bloke doesn't fit that bill to me. Unless he's manipulating you by doing exactly what you asked by leaving you alone and pursuing another relationship. Just being a bit weird and coming on strong doesn't make the man a psychopath.

Yes he defo was out of work. We would speak at different times of the day to usual as he was at home. When we were out for the day he was taking calls for interviews. Started a training course for one job which didn't work out as well.

Does this sound like him, OP?

I'm not so sure he's a narcissist. A lot of people at 50 know what they want from a relationship and dont like to wait around. You didn't reciprocate his keenness and the two of you dont seem compatible - i think he realised it wasnt going to work and has moved on. Don't over think this.

He is a controlling man, and you are someone who is at risk from controlling men (judging by the past history you've talked about).

I think you should delete all his numbers/contact details and close off thoughts about him.

And then find a good counsellor. No one loves you after 2 dates. (Lust, perhaps, but definitely not love.) It's your past hurts that make you responsive to someone who appears to (but is only satisfying their own deep needs/urges, which in this case appear to be abusive).

Your good sense made you suspicious of this. And your emotional hurts made you vulnerable to it. That's a painful position to be in.

This could be a trigger for you to learn and grow, so that you can be in a position to make a mutual, healthy relationship with a genuinely nice, respectful person.

You sound lovely, and I'm wishing you the best.

Thanks. This thread here and the experiences of others could almost be written by me.. lovebombed then ghosted. Not even actually dumped just I need space on a pre text of something else whilst saying I have done nothing wrong , he needs time to himself (therefore leaving the door ajar to possibly return if new offers don't come to anything) but blocks and goes into silence so I don't know what he's doing and who he's with.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2698239-Love-bombing-suddenly-dumped-out-of-the-blue-do-you-have-experience-of-this-How-to-get-over-it?pg=2&order=

It doesn't matter what he's doing, or who he's with. You were foolish to start seeing him again, but now you can get away from him.

You'll only prolong the hurt by snooping on him, and if he does try to come back, you'll let him back in again.

I think you under estimate the impact losing his job has had on him. It has affected his independence, income and self worth. He might be too ashamed to talk to you.

Give him time and be patient and he may open up in time. Inntyrnmeantime just keep living life. You sound like a nice person.

That really doesn't sound likely, zippey.

i don’t think he is abusive, weird maybe but not abusive. So the op can break things off and be fine but he can’t? People break things off and go quiet it happens. You clearly aren’t compatible and I think he worked that out.

He didn't break things off and go quiet, Quackers. He ghosted her.

@AuntyElle

I don’t know how you can post quotes like that with a straight face !

Don't you angel? That's OK. It may be be helpful to OP or another reader.

Lundy Bancroft's books and approach to unhealthy and abusive relationships are repeatedly recommended on here. I've seen posters call his work sanity-saving.
If you haven't been in a manipulative relationship then it might mean nothing to you, which is fine.