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Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
UnicornSparkles1 · 18/09/2017 20:46

The Facebook thing. Just no.

Run. And don't look back.

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 20:49

He also has a really short cycle. Most controlling men wait longer than 2 dates to start their BS. He is showing you exactly who he is. He thinks he should control every minute of your life -- when you are at work, when you are on line, everything you do is to revolve around him. After 2 dates.

Also, as an aside, what the hell is it with being emotional manipulative through emojis? Hmm That's just so pathetic. Makes me miss the 80s.

Bratsandtwats · 18/09/2017 20:49

Trust your instincts. Something is pinging them, even if you can't pin it down. Instincts are rarely wrong.

Juicyfruitloop · 18/09/2017 20:53

My DP was like this, very intense, my photo on his screen saver almost immediately, i could feel he was kind. 11 years later he is still very kind and easily excited.

Though I also had a bad experience with an ex previous to DP. I couldn't shake the feeling this guy was odd, I finished with him and had a world of hassle for years, When myself Dp and DC moved back to the area years later, he sent me a letter, I took it straight to the garda.

Listen to your instinct, if you feel he is abit creepy, then HE probably is.

Juicyfruitloop · 18/09/2017 20:55

Seen your FB update, Run dump him, that is creepy. Put your feelings first.

Loopytiles · 18/09/2017 20:57

He stalks you on FB and "hasn't had much time with" you - on the text/phone?! when you were not even seeing each other that day and have work and DC!

Run for the hills. Yuck.

For a 15 year age gap with him the elder he'd need to be amazing IMO, and he's far from that.

PowerPantsRule · 18/09/2017 20:58

I would not write him off too quickly. I think he is simply trying too hard and will settle down...he sounds nice, just misguided!

fedupandnogin · 18/09/2017 21:01

This all sounds so similar to my previous relationship. He said he wanted to 'heal me'. He had nothing else in his life so I became his whole life. He wanted to live his life through mine. He wanted me to change my FB status immediately and to make sure I had photos of him on there. Lots of other stuff too. Just took me too long to realise how controlling and needy he was.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 18/09/2017 21:02

What's nice about this?

Oof he sounds crazy.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 21:06

Right well this is what I have just sent him..
Ok. There have been a couple of things. The sexual comments to me Saturday which I have mentioned already. When I got home the comment that I went on Facebook before I messaged you. Might have been put over in a jokey way but that along with today putting a guilt trip on me for not sending you the message you requested before lunch. I will lay it on the line straight as it's best. I don't like the undertone to those messages. Might be wrapped up as being jokey but they come across as needy, insecure and as though you don't like my time and attention being anywhere away from you. I am trying to work out whether it's a. You are just messing and it's come over wrong. B. You are a bit over excited to be getting to know me/ going out with me and it's all new. C. You are insecure and controlling . The first two I can deal with if you listen to what I am saying, heed what I am saying and tone it down a bit and respect my wishes. I like you. I am looking forward to seeing you saturday. But I need to be very clear about what I am happy and not happy with

OP posts:
Inthecornerwatchingyoukissher · 18/09/2017 21:09

That's a good message rejected.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 21:09

Good on you. His reply should tell you what you need to know.

PollyDipsia · 18/09/2017 21:10

Why would you bother? There are billions of people in the world, find a less creepy one?

SweetLuck · 18/09/2017 21:12

Yep, that sounds fine. You couldn't be clearer than that.

I had something similarish to this (though he wasn't nearly so bad as your guy) and I told him that his being needy and insecure came over really badly and I couldn't be doing with it, and to be fair he stopped pretty pronto.

bloodyorange · 18/09/2017 21:12

What's Helen Bailey's murder got to do with it Confused

Ducknose · 18/09/2017 21:20

Blimey, you've spelled it out loud and clear there OP, good on you. I'm predicting he will either react with devastation and tears or passive aggression. If I'm wrong, then maybe it's a goer after all. Time will tell.

invisiblecats · 18/09/2017 21:26

No no no - this is all shades of wrong.

He is trying to manipulate you and you're not telling him to fuck off.

He is not a nice man. It's a few weeks in and he's actively trying to control your behaviour.

You are making a big mistake if you think you can ask him to change and he just will. He won't. He has a desire to control and own you.

My ex started off a bit like that. He was a dangerous deranged psycho. Took a few years for that side to come out though.

You would know not to send someone those messages wouldn't you? Why are you giving someone else the benefit of the doubt with this shit? Why are you compromising yourself so much as to date someone who doesn't understand those kind of boundaries? You and him are not intellectual or emotional equals.

Men who want to control and own you don't give a flying fuck about your feelings - even thought they may make a song and dance about saying they do. He's potentially dangerous.

Please open your eyes your to this one and quickly. I was badly hurt physically, emotionally, financially and socially by giving someone the benefit of the doubt and trusting what they said.
Please see him for what what he really is.

He is already making you feel under pressure to justify yourself and you put him first. He doesn't deserve a chance. Run!

Hissy · 18/09/2017 21:28

State why you accept and what you don't, fix those boundaries and don't deviate

I had this with a guy I saw for a handful of dates.

I got very ill for a month, I'd tell him how awful I was feeling and how I just needed to sleep, he'd call me!

I said I didn't want to meet his child, he really tried to engineer/trick me into it, so after 3 times of saying that no, I wasn't going to come over to his while his child was there, he kept on, so I suggested it was best we leave it there.

He still tried to engage for a bit, but there was nothing left for me to say

histinyhandsarefrozen · 18/09/2017 21:28

Why are you compromising yourself so much as to date someone who doesn't understand those kind of boundaries? You and him are not intellectual or emotional equals.

This is true.

invisiblecats · 18/09/2017 21:29

Thst should say "He is already making you feel under pressure to justify yourself and TO put him first."

At 5 weeks you should be floating in clouds bot dealing with his lack of boundaries and attempt to control you.

Why are you accepting this shit?

invisiblecats · 18/09/2017 21:30

Sorry if I sound harsh Flowers

I wish someone had talked some sense into me when I started dating my ex.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2017 21:31

I wound give him the elbow OP

Honestly it's too soon to be this pissed off yu deserve better !

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 21:37

To those asking this is what he said in response to the message I sent

Well it's def not C.
Comments re going on FB before talking to me was sent tongue in cheek.
You've asked me before for a nice message before you went to sleep so thought that was ok. My mistake.
It's A all along. I am just messing with you, thought you liked that side of me. Obviously can tone that down and will do.
Ive listened to you and read everything, of course I'll respect your wishes. This is all part of getting to know more about each other. I've taken on board what you've said in the last msg.
I now understand what ur and not happy with. I Am looking forward to seeing you Saturday and if we enjoy the day I hope we will see each other again Xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 21:41

Ok that's good, just see how it goes.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 21:42

Take it slowly, and see how it goes.

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