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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Sallystyle · 18/09/2017 18:57

Walk away from him now.

My husband was very full on very early on. We both were. He text me first thing in the morning and last thing at night and we spent as much time together as we could. He didn't buy me expensive gifts but he might have done if he had the spare money.

He is the nicest man ever. 10 years later and we are still happily married. He isn't needy and he's nothing but a great husband.

So being full on isn't always a red flag but those texts? Yeah, id run. It isn't about how often he texts but the content of them and the emotional manipulation.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 18/09/2017 19:11

Agree that the texts change things - be wary!

gamerwidow · 18/09/2017 19:12

Like others said he sounds controlling and probably dangerous.
His already testing your compliance by getting you to text on demand it won't be long until he starts making other demands to test the water.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2017 19:14

Meh some people would really like it

And you don't and that's fine too

Don't read to much into what people say and make your own opinion

justdontevenfuckingstart · 18/09/2017 19:26

It only matters how you feel, if you already unsure and a bit worried then that's all that matters.
I had a six month relationship after being single for years, perfume, earrings, clothes, soo much attention.
Nice man.
But needed CONSTANT attention, the morning he followed me to my car when I had to get something out of it I knew it was over.
Never had such a barrage of messages in my life. How awful I was, didn't appreciate him, he was so NICE.
They're nice as long as you are nice back, he may think you are being 'saved' by him.
Leave it, just my opinion but I would be vary wary op.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 18/09/2017 19:28

you are uncomfortable with it does any other points really matter

Purpleball · 18/09/2017 19:29

My DH was like this. He just lacked confidence and relationship experience.

RatRolyPoly · 18/09/2017 19:38

He sounds more and more like a certain kind of man to me; often a slightly older man who's had long relationships and now, often against his wishes, finds himself single again. He finds himself with a partner-shaped hole in his life that he's looking to fill; this "hole" often being a very similar shape to the partner he finds himself without...

So he has a pretty clear idea in his head of what his partner will be when he finds her, what their interactions be like, how she'll treat him and how wonderful he'll be to her and she'll think he is - of course. Except what he actually does is impose his vision of a perfect relationship onto any woman he can see "fitting the bill" with no regard whatsoever for what this woman is ACTUALLY LIKE, who she is, what SHE wants.

And dare she not be blissfully happy with the utopia he's decided upon for her (all before even meeting her) he will be in angry disbelief because why would she not want to be as happy as he plans make her when she's the partner he needs her to be?? And yes, he'll also be sad, and it will sometimes make you think twice about running from this kind of control but remember he is sad - genuinely sad - because he does WANT a partner, he just wants one like all his favourite bits of the one he used to have; he hasn't moved on, he doesn't want to get to know a new woman, he just wants a new woman to fill old shoes which, sadly for him, no woman will do.

Could this be your man?

fedupandnogin · 18/09/2017 19:38

I have experienced a relationship like this with someone who was very needy and controllling. I actually didn't recognise it for a long time though (as he was very different from a previous relationship). He bought me presents too and wanted me to call him or he called me several times a day. It was all too much for me as I had more going on in my life (children/other friends, work, etc). It used to drive me mad. If I was on Facebook, he would call and say 'oh I noticed you were online so I thought I'd call'. It took me a whole year before I ended it after I was becoming more and more miserable with the situation.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 19:47

op, he's clearly desperate. It's only going to work for him if he finds someone equally as desperate. You don't appear to be. As such I don't think this can work, I'm sorry. The more you wriggle away and don't respond as he wishes, the more desperate and clingy he will,get.

I'd honestly end it. He will just try the same thing with the next one. It's a numbers game. At some point he will hopefully find someone like him. I don't think you'll ever be that person.

IndieTara · 18/09/2017 19:48

I was talking to a guy whilst on OLD a few mths ago.
He asked to meet so I said yes as he seemed lovely, we exchanged numbers and agreed a date in a weeks time.
During that week he bombarded me with messages saying 'make sure you message me in your lunch hour' send me a message in between your meetings. Would be lovely to know what you're up to throughout the day etc etc
We'd never even met at this point! Just too weird needy and suffocating

Original poster

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 19:49

Yes to the Facebook thing. When I got home at the weekend I checked my Facebook very quickly in my car as I parked outside the house before going in. I commented on a post of a mutual friend he had earlier commented on. I got a wattsapp from him saying oi. You went on Facebook before you messaged me

OP posts:

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 18/09/2017 20:05

So glad he doesn't know where u live - had a 4yr nightmare of getting rid of a bloke like this. Started off the same as you describe, ended up with a lifetime restraining order after he stalked and threatened me

SweetLuck · 18/09/2017 20:07

oi. You went on Facebook before you messaged me

How can he even begin to think this is acceptable?

fedupandnogin · 18/09/2017 20:09

@Rejectedwoman I had that exact thing happen with my ex!!

LogicalPsycho · 18/09/2017 20:13

oi. You went on Facebook before you messaged me

Run.

Original poster

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 20:14

I have very carefully called him out on it a short while ago. I explained I was very tired and run down today and just got the kids to bed and was now going to chill. He replied and said I sounded tired earlier on the phone, he hasn't had much time with me today (on the phone in, messages he means) but he knows that's not my fault and he will leave me to rest. I will see where this leads . I think a lot to do with it is he lives on his own, goes to work and goes home and other than a bit of tv and facetiming or seeing his daughter he has nothing else to do. He has a hobby at weekends which he does but doesn't go out during the week as he gets up early for work. So it seems as though he's living his life waiting for me to pop up with a text message or phone call

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 18/09/2017 20:16

he knows that's not my fault

So basically he is saying that someone is a fault here, but v graciously is allowing you off the hook this time. YOU'VE MET THE GUY TWICE!!!

stitchglitched · 18/09/2017 20:20

RatRolyPoly your description is spot on! I've met more than one man like this in my OLD days. They weren't at all interested in me as an individual, I was there to play a role. Even the screensaver thing, after two dates? I bet he is showing other people his 'girlfriend'. Really creepy.

Ducknose · 18/09/2017 20:33

So many alarm bells here. Loud ones.
Maybe I'm just cynical, but that cynicism stems from experience dealing with these types of men.
Do not give him your address and either remove him from FB or clean up your profile of any clues as to where you live or spend a lot of time. It's surprising how much info you can get about someone via social media.

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 20:35

oi. You went on Facebook before you messaged me

WTF??? I'd run and hide. Block him from everything. Who in the hell does he think he is?

What an ass hole. No wonder his wife left. He isn't looking for a relationship, he's looking for a hostage.

TurnipCake · 18/09/2017 20:38

"...but he knows that's not my fault and he will leave me to rest"

Already you're not his equal and he gets to assume fault and again, let you off the hook. Grim.

Mrsjohnmurphy · 18/09/2017 20:42

I was erring on the side of possibly over enthusiastic until the Facebook think. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Dump

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 20:44

Just run, that comment about Facebook, ahhh

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 20:45

You went on Facebook before you messaged me

Eugh eugh eugh..🤑😲

Congrats. You got yourself your very own stalker.

Now what are you going to do about it?

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