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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 17:01

It does sound ott, and I would find it suffocating to have that much contact every day with a guy. Actually reading your updates, that would be too much for me, and he's expecting the same for you, I would end it, and tell him that its just not working, you don't feel the same about him.

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 17:01

I'll let you off? Seriously? Like you owed him something?

At the very least, I'd set some serious boundaries. At the most, I'd tell him it was over because he reminded me of an ex.

It's one thing to be keen. It's another to guilt trip.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 17:03

I might lessen the contact (which I have a bit since Saturday's sad whingeing) and see what happens. I have already explained the sex stuff I am not ready for and he seems absolutely fine with that. When we were stood at the bar Saturday he made a comment in my ear when I bent down into my bag to get something out . I said stop it in a light jokey tone. But I told him straight yesterday I don't like any one making those comments to me face to face in public. I never even.liked dirty talk in the bedroom and talking about sex with my own husband really . Don't get me wrong I like sex but not talking about it out loud if that makes sense. I told him in no uncertain terms this weekend when we are due to.meet not to do it again as It makes me uncomfortable. I have laid down my personal markers to.Him in no uncertain terms. Think I will take a little step back and watch how things pan out

OP posts:
bettytaghetti · 18/09/2017 17:04

He does sound a bit intense and I would find that a little creepy too. You said that you had some mutual friends; could you ask around a little bit to get a better idea of what others think of him?

alltoomuchrightnow · 18/09/2017 17:06

Run a mile and then run some more. He will want to control you. I had an abusive (very) relationship that started like this, always wanting to know where I was, telling me off if I couldn't reply when I was at work. I had 4 yrs with him and in the end had to flee with the clothes on my back. NOT saying this would be that scenario, but , you have to admit, it sounds stifling. I feel claustrophobic just reading what you've put here. I bet he's the kind that would threaten suicide (not genuinely) if you tried to end it.

PavlovianLunge · 18/09/2017 17:06

He might be genuinely, completely lovely, and there must be people out there who would love to be on the receiving end of his (to me, excessive) behaviour. But from what you say, he is totally not what you need in your life now, or probably ever, and he is making you deeply uncomfortable. In your shoes, I'd end it gently but firmly and not look back.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 17:08

Yes I asked around when we were in the early stages of simply chatting before I actually met up with him and went on a date. All of them (mixture of male and female, assorted ages and not so close they are trying desperately to pair him off) all said he's a nice, decent , genuine bloke. Doesn't drink.much (they know the he'll I went through with exh) that his close circle of friends are all decent nice people . Anything bad and I wouldn't have even gone on the first date

OP posts:
PavlovianLunge · 18/09/2017 17:09

Apart from red flags and anything else, you sound fundamentally incompatible, Rej.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2017 17:09

Your alarm bells are ringing, and I would listen to them. He is love bombing the fuck out of you and he seems controlling and creepy. His sense of appropriate boundaries in such a new relationship are lacking, even even when he gets a lukewarm response from you, he presses on. Run for the hills.

ChelleDawg2020 · 18/09/2017 17:10

Some men are nice people. It happens. Too many women end up with an arsehole because they find nice men weird or boring.

stitchglitched · 18/09/2017 17:10

He sounds much too full on. He hasn't even bothered to get to know you properly, he is only interested in you as someone he can project his needs onto. He would be like this with any woman he met, it isn't because he finds you so special. (I don't mean that rudely, I'm sure you are a great catch!) I just mean that how great you actually are is incidental to him. You are there to fill a role.

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2017 17:11

"ok, would be nice to have a nice message from you waiting for me when I come back to my phone"

"no message from you (sad face emoji)"

That would be waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much for me after 4 ish dates. It's nothing to do with too nice- it's too clingy. Equally, not every man who's needy is sinister, despite what MN says. I know several women who would love this sort of thing.

Plop5 · 18/09/2017 17:12

It should all be very light and romantic at this point but I recon he will be needy, controlling and manipulative within months

mirime · 18/09/2017 17:12

If your instinct is that it's not ok, then you should listen to that.

But I would say that text doesn't always convey the meaning you want - like 'I'll let you off this time' could be jokey or it could be less pleasant. How many times have there been arguments online because someone has misinterpreted what someone else has typed, or they've taken an innocent comment the wrong way?

He might be abusive, but even if he isn't and if he is genuinely lovely and just a bit insecure after his last relationship doesn't mean you have to stay with him if it's annoying you.

goingonabearhunt1 · 18/09/2017 17:14

It doesn't sound very 'nice' to me, guilt tripping someone into constant messaging etc. He should respect the fact that you're at work (or wherever) and not always at his beck and call. And your mutual friends don't necessarily know what he's like in a relationship, they have only seen one side of him so you have to go by your gut feeling on this one I think.

guilty100 · 18/09/2017 17:15

Honestly, it's way too early to say whether you are compatible or not.

What you can do, however, is to sit him down and talk to him. Explain that you've come out of a bad relationship, that you're very touched by his thoughtfulness, but that you find that level of attention quite difficult to deal with. Say that you think he seems such a lovely guy, but that you want to take it slowly, at a pace with which you feel comfortable, and that this means dialling down the constant texting, and not guilting you if you don't respond immediately.

If he respects your wishes, and does what you ask, then brilliant - he might well be a keeper. If he persists with this despite a clear warning, then get the hell out.

bettytaghetti · 18/09/2017 17:17

Are they desperately trying to pair him off because he's driving all of them up the wall too?!

PJBanana · 18/09/2017 17:18

I highly doubt this relationship will work when you have run into problems so early on.

He sounds needy and controlling. I had a boyfriend exactly like this a few years ago (the asking for texts from you and 'letting you off' sound particularly familiar to me).

I know that when you've lived through difficult relationships it can be hard to distinguish between peoples' behaviour, but from what you've said, alarm bells would be ringing for me.

FoofFighter · 18/09/2017 17:21

At best he is very needy and clingy which is a huge turn off.
At worst, he is a controlling abusive manipulator.

Either way I think this "relationship" is doomed.

MargoChanning · 18/09/2017 17:25

He's treating you like a longterm partner that he's been with for years, not someone he's only met a few times!

Ilovetea33 · 18/09/2017 17:25

Let me get this straight. He asked for a nice message from you to wake up to, you obliged, and he wanted another one for lunchtime? Does he think you've got nothing else to do? That would be far too needy for me.

LondonNicki · 18/09/2017 17:25

Needy and controlling - already guilt tripping you by making you feel like you're responsible for his happiness. I've been there and wouldn't go again.

Does he have much going on on his own life/friendships? Sounds like the type that will soon want you 'all to himself'.....

Mittens1969 · 18/09/2017 17:25

My DH was like this, though not the expensive perfume bit. But he liked to be in touch at least once a day. We've been together for 15 years (married 14) and he's still lovely. There are nice guys around. Smile

My guess is you're not that much into him, and that's ok. I had a brief relationship with another man not long before DH, he was like this, always wanted to pay for me and it freaked me out. I insisted on paying my share. But I actually wasn't that interested.

IrenetheQuaint · 18/09/2017 17:30

Some people are great at friendship but go a bit bonkers as soon as they get into a relationship-type situation, or even the possibility of one. He sounds super annoying.

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 17:38

So you lessened contact since Saturday, and then today he is pressing you to text him constantly and then quilting you for not doing it. I see the two as linked.

You set up a boundary, he's working his way around it. Red flag.