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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not a baby machine and DH should get the snip?

263 replies

foxyface · 17/09/2017 13:32

DC4 is 9mo and I've said from when I found out I was pregnant with him that this is absolutely our last child, because I know DH would really like to have about 6. I've also just been taken off the pill by my doctor since I was having too many severe side effects.

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child! We kind of had a small argument about it that ended with me telling him I think he should get a vasectomy.

He's been fine with me today and though I know I went about it the wrong way, I was being serious. I'm not a baby making machine, and for 17 years our birth control has been up to me. I feel like its his turn. AIBU?

OP posts:
HowDoYouSayIt · 17/09/2017 13:36

Of course you are not BU for not wanting to take birth control medication or for not wanting more children. However, equally, he is not BU if he does not want the snip. Is there a contraception you can agree on?

coconuttella · 17/09/2017 13:47

I'd tell him he has three options:

  1. have a vasectomy
  2. always wear a condom for sex
  3. no sex again until after the meonpause!
LuluJakey1 · 17/09/2017 13:48

YANBU. I have two DCs under 3 and DH would like 2 more. I don't want anymore and I don't want to keep taking the pill. He hates condoms (so do I). We have been discussing him having a vasectomy. He said yes before DD was born (5m) but now it has come to it, he isn't keen. I get that. But he says the most annoying things about it.
'It's life-changing you know' - so is pregnancy
'It can be very painful' - try giving birth
'If something went wrong my bits could be changed forever'- try giving birth
They are all just excuses because he really wants us to have another 2 (would probably settle for 1 really) children and thinks he might persuade me in time. We are 38. I don't want any more. I love DS and DD but they are it as far as I am concerned.
I have told him I am not going to continue to take the pill- or any other hormonal method. I am not having a coil.
We have not discussed it for a few days and it's not a 'hot topic' between us- we don't argue about it. So I await his next installment- I know he reads about it on the internet.

WorraLiberty · 17/09/2017 13:55

YANBU if he actually wants a vasectomy.

But if he doesn't and you are 100% sure you don't want another pregnancy, then you should get yourself sterilised providing you want to continue to have sex with him.

Rachie1973 · 17/09/2017 14:00

You're not BU not wanting another baby. But you are being U wanting him to undergo a permanent medical procedure if he doesn't want to.

EezerGoode · 17/09/2017 14:03

Condoms combined with the rhythm method..

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 17/09/2017 14:06

It's totally DH's choice though, isn't it?

You don't want any more children. Presumably, since he does want more, he'd have another if he met another partner due to death or divorce. He'd have another if you wanted another. Therefore, it's unreasonable to expect him to take such a permanent step (which does have a 10% risk of life-impacting complications)

It's a bit unfair to say it's his "turn" - it's not like he could have carried and birthed your DC, is it?!

Gorgosparta · 17/09/2017 14:07

This is one of these situations where no one is being unreasonable.

He isnt unreasonable to want another baby
You arent to not want another
He isnt unreasonable to not want the snip
You arent not wanting to be in charge of birth control anymore.

But vasectomys are not without complications and doctors are starting to believe that incidents of complications are under reported. Dh had his 3 years ago and still experiences aching where the tubes were cut and it pulls if he moves to fast but he won't go to the doctors. So i can believe its under reported. And its permenant. Reversals dont always work and you should consider it permenant.

No one should have to do that to themseleves unless they want to.

LouHotel · 17/09/2017 14:09

@worraliberty or he can bag up!

Sterilisation has many more risks than a vasectomy.

I would do what another poster suggested.

1.vasectomy
2.condoms

  1. Chastity
JacquesHammer · 17/09/2017 14:10

YaNBU to suggest it to him.

he isn't being unreasonable to not what to.

You need to come to a compromise you're both happy with.

Cailleach666 · 17/09/2017 14:11

I would never ask a man to have a vasectomy

krustykittens · 17/09/2017 14:12

What Gorgo said. We talked to a doctor about DH getting a vasectomy a few years ago and decided not to. Side effects can be constant pain, whether low level or acute and a loss of sex drive. We decided the potential damage to our marriage was not worth the risk but then again, I don't have a problem with being on the pill. Is there any other form of contraception that might work for you? Also you are not unreasonable to not want another child, but neither is he for wanting one. Sorry, I know that doesn't help!

WorraLiberty · 17/09/2017 14:12

Well that goes without saying LouHotel but 'bagging up' as you put it, may not be the permanent solution the OP is looking for, as I'm quite sure she would have thought of that.

Rachie1973 · 17/09/2017 14:12

Its not really about 'risks' though is it? Its about what the individual wants.

She doesn't want more kids.

He doesn't want a vasectomy.

No-ones right or wrong. No-one should be forced to undergo sterilisation. No-one should be forced to carry a baby.

Choices are therefore limited.

OlennasWimple · 17/09/2017 14:13

You need to agree on the DC issue really. The snip is only a effect of your discussions on whether to have another baby (or two)

mydogisthebest · 17/09/2017 14:18

I think he is being selfish. Surely 4 children is more than enough for anyone and why should you risk getting pregnant again?

Me and DH decided to stay childfree. I was happy to be sterilised but DH didn't want that as it is a bigger op. He had a vasectomy and had no problems at all. One day off then back at work. No problems since and we didn't have the worry of getting pregnant

annandale · 17/09/2017 14:19

Yabu to call a vasectomy 'the snip', it's a name that minimises the operation which is no walk in the park ( though the men i know have been lucky enough to avoid major sideeffects).

A painful thing that results in something you want is very different from a painful thing that leads to something you don't want (in his case sterility).

Be honest and consistent about your feelings and give it time. He may feel less broody when the kids are older.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 17/09/2017 14:19

It's you who doesn't want any more children. So if anyone gets a permanent solution it should be you.

cheminotte · 17/09/2017 14:19

Have you considered a coil?

stitchglitched · 17/09/2017 14:24

It's his choice whether or not to have a vasectomy. But in your position I wouldn't be willing to keep using hormones or risk another pregnancy so the consequences of no vasectomy would be no more PIV without a condom ever. But I wouldn't feel very sexually attracted anyway to someone who had seen me give birth 4 times and still tried to pester for more knowing I was done.

BananaShit · 17/09/2017 14:28

I don't think you're BU, but you are being daft. He's not going to get the snip if he actually wants more children. Equally, although it would be fair and legitimate for you to put the ball in his court wrt contraception and say no PIV without condoms, you'd end up playing yourself because they're less effective than the options that are open to you.

It would be a good idea though to have another discussion when tempers are less flared to make it very clear you don't want any more. I'd try and separate that from the ongoing contraception issue.

Gorgosparta · 17/09/2017 14:28

mydogisthebest what does your sitiation have to do with it?

Your dh doesnt eant kids and was happy to do it. Do you really think that because your dh made that decision, all other men are olbliged to make the same one?

You were happy to be sterilised. Does that mean the op should have to be happy to be sterilised too?

PixieChemist · 17/09/2017 14:28

I don't think either of you are BU. It's a difficult situation. Have you thought about getting something like the coil? I have the mirena and think it's fantastic. I'm allergic to latex, not particularly fond of condoms anyway even if we buy non latex and I can't take the pill as they make me go batshit. The coil for us has been a godsend, I feel totally fine on it and I have very few periods Grin

Although again it's personal choice and perhaps not something you'd like. It's such a shame the male pill isn't available yet.

ZenNudist · 17/09/2017 14:29

My df had dc2 under protest. Her dh really wantrd another but she nearly died. Shes adamant she wants no more so booked in her sterlisation as her dh was too selfish to get the snip.

Shes happy she is in control. If you cant use pill or coil i suggest looking at other methods you can control.

PixieChemist · 17/09/2017 14:29

Just in case people get the wrong idea, I wasn't for one second saying just because I'm happy on the coil OP should be. I was just trying to think of possible alternatives.

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