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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm not a baby machine and DH should get the snip?

263 replies

foxyface · 17/09/2017 13:32

DC4 is 9mo and I've said from when I found out I was pregnant with him that this is absolutely our last child, because I know DH would really like to have about 6. I've also just been taken off the pill by my doctor since I was having too many severe side effects.

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child! We kind of had a small argument about it that ended with me telling him I think he should get a vasectomy.

He's been fine with me today and though I know I went about it the wrong way, I was being serious. I'm not a baby making machine, and for 17 years our birth control has been up to me. I feel like its his turn. AIBU?

OP posts:

Oblomov17 · 17/09/2017 15:28

Agreed with Daily. Deeper problems. He never spends any time with his kids. But wants 6??

Cailleach666 · 17/09/2017 15:32

FenceSitter01

I completely agree.

Cailleach666 · 17/09/2017 15:35

Some are talking of shared responsibility of contraception and " his turn".
But it isn't a level playing field. There are many more methods available to women than men.

Men only have 3 options. Condoms, abstinence or sterilisation.

Cailleach666 · 17/09/2017 15:36

I have been with my OH for 25 years

I have only conceived when we both wanted a baby.

No pill, no hormones, no coil.

ConciseandNice · 17/09/2017 15:38

Fencesitter01 is spot on. You don't want any more. Take responsibility for your own fertility. Get sterilised. This isn't him forcing you into an op to save your marriage. You're forcing him to be infertile. Your body, your choice. Plus it's not even the major op that it used to be. I had it done and it was easy as anything and I've never looked back.

Branleuse · 17/09/2017 15:42

if you dont want more children and he does, then it should be you that gets sterilised, not him.

pigsDOfly · 17/09/2017 15:46

Just going to say more or less what ConciseandNice said.

I had a pretty awful pregnancy history: a still birth, miscarriages and other problems and after 3 healthy DCs I decided that was it. I was close to 40 and I knew there was no way I'd want to be pregnant again so I decided I'd be sterilsed.

Had a suspicion that H would have wanted more if anything happened to our marriage - we divorced later but he was too old by that time - and this was about me and how I felt.

I took control of my body and had the operation. It was my decision and I was more than happy to go down that route.

stitchglitched · 17/09/2017 15:47

I'm a bit at why a father of 4 kids he barely spends time with really needs to be keeping his options open for more kids in his next relationship.

stitchglitched · 17/09/2017 15:47

I'm a bit at why a father of 4 kids he barely spends time with really needs to be keeping his options open for more kids in his next relationship.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/09/2017 15:48

Why do you refer to yourself as a 'baby making machine'? Very odd choice of words.

You wanted the children that you have (presumably), now you don't want any more. It's really up to YOU to find a method that prevents that rather than making somebody else take a permanent measure to prevent more children.

diddl · 17/09/2017 15:50

It does make sense that Op should have the op as she's the one that doesn't want more.

That said, she'snot that long had her fourth after wanting to stop at three (she was booked in for sterilisation) & he's mentioned another-it's not surprising that she snapped at him.

Presumably he'll take time off to look after the kids so that Op can have this done & a little recovery time after?

WomblingThree · 17/09/2017 15:50

It concerns me that so many people have trouble getting sterilised. I absolutely knew I was done after 2 and I had no problems at all getting it done. I was only in my 20s too. The consultant asked a few stupid "what if" questions, and that was that. I had the op as a day case when DD was still a baby.

Cailleach666 · 17/09/2017 15:52

It concerns me that so many people have trouble getting sterilised.

It should be difficult.

We can't predict the future.

category12 · 17/09/2017 15:54

I think in your place I would go back to the doctor and not take a no about being sterilised. You can't make your dh have the snip and if he wants more dc, I wouldn't trust his use of condoms.

PixieChemist · 17/09/2017 15:55

wombling I'm surprised they let you in your twenties. My friend has hyperemesis every time, had three by the age of 25 (one and two were planned, third was a copper coil failure), asked to be sterilised and they said no as she may want another one in the future

pigeondujour · 17/09/2017 15:57

Why should making an autonomous decision about your own body be difficult? We make millions of decisions based on 'predicting the future'.

OP - imo he should have the vasectomy if he sees being married to you as a permanent fixture. The coil/implant are absolutely not reasonable alternatives.

WomblingThree · 17/09/2017 16:01

What do you mean, we can't predict the future? I was a grown woman predicting my future for my body. I didn't want to be pregnant or give birth again.

JacquesHammer · 17/09/2017 16:04

*It should be difficult.

We can't predict the future*
How patronising. I don't need to predict the future to know there won't be any more children.

I am currently in a battle with my GP to be sterilised. It's appalling that we still - as women - don't have body autonomy

expatinscotland · 17/09/2017 16:05

He hardly spends time with the ones he's got and he wants more? I would have trouble getting aroused enough to have sex with such a person.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/09/2017 16:05

My sister was denied sterilization after her 4th child. They said she might want another child. Well, that 4th child is now 7 and no more babies.

ladystarkers · 17/09/2017 16:07

No snip no sex

expatinscotland · 17/09/2017 16:08

Someone will trot out the 'What if your kids die?' argument in a moment. Well, guess what, when your child dies, you cannot replace him/her. And for someone who decided he/she does not want anymore children, ever, the death of a child doesn't change that. DH decided to have a vasectomy 7 years ago because he never wanted to father any more children. Ever. DD1's death 5 years ago did not change that.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/09/2017 16:19

You have four children and were told you couldn't be sterilized!!?? I'd be looking for another doctor!!! I had one with no questions (2 DC and an early MC), but I was 40. Are you still relatively young?

TBH, I feel it's the responsibility of the one who doesn't want more children to guarantee that there are no more. It's the only way to be 100% sure. After all, a man could put a hole in a condom or arrange an accidental slip-off. A woman could 'forget' to take her pills.

Sorry, I know this is OTT, but it got me thinking. Here (US) if someone is denied a tubal, one is free to call and keep calling doctors until one finds one who will do it. If one is utilizing the NHS, can one shop around for another doctor?

Cailleach666 · 17/09/2017 16:20

No snip no sex

Disgusting.

diddl · 17/09/2017 16:22

" I asked about having one 3 months ago and was told no as I might end up wanting another child."

How is this allowed-to treat someone as if they can't make a decision for themselves?

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