To think I'm not a baby machine and DH should get the snip?

[foxyface]

DC4 is 9mo and I've said from when I found out I was pregnant with him that this is absolutely our last child, because I know DH would really like to have about 6. I've also just been taken off the pill by my doctor since I was having too many severe side effects.

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child! We kind of had a small argument about it that ended with me telling him I think he should get a vasectomy.

He's been fine with me today and though I know I went about it the wrong way, I was being serious. I'm not a baby making machine, and for 17 years our birth control has been up to me. I feel like its his turn. AIBU?

[WorraLiberty]

But I wouldn't feel very sexually attracted anyway to someone who had seen me give birth 4 times and still tried to pester for more knowing I was done.

How has he 'pestered' the OP, stitchglitched?

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child

That doesn't sound like pestering, more of a simple question.

[MatildaTheCat]

YANBU to ask him to have a vasectomy but if he actually wants more DC he's not going to want to do this really. I get your frustration but actually there are contraceptive choices for women that are easy for many.

As pps have said,the Mirena coil is a wonderful thing. I've had five in total and not one period in the last 25 years. Sure it's not right for everyone but worth considering before surgery. Surgery which does come with risks including long term pain.

It may not be fully equitable but I would prefer to take charge of contraception if I don't want to be pregnant. Vasectomy would be a last resort not a quid pro quo.

[CleverKnot]

If you want something done, best to do it yourself. Whatever the reasons for his ambivalence (some men hate the idea of their bits being tinkered with).

[stitchglitched]

Because OP made it clear from her last pregnancy that there would be no more. Yet he asked her about having another and it escalated into an argument. That doesn't sound like someone who has accepted OP's decision.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Both of you have a valid point - it's fine for you not to want more children, it's fine for him not to want to have a permanent medical procedure (particularly as he does want more children).
Though I am a bit... suspicious of men who want a lot of children when their female partners are less keen. Sometimes it can be about keeping the woman 'barefoot and pregnant' and dependent on the man for the family income. Sure, that's not always the case: some people (male or female) just really love the idea of a big family.

It might be worth having a chat with your GP or a gynaecologist about what options might suit you in future. It's worth having all the relevant information before making a decision.

[TotallyKerplunked]

I cant take any hormonal contraception and wasn't able to have a coil fitted, the only option we had left was one of us being sterilised. Given my medical history I will not go through that so gave DH an ultimatum, I wouldn't stay with someone who would see me go through all my issues with pregnancy and beyond and still make contraception my problem.

Its all academic now though, DH has been refused a referral for a vasectomy several times, i'm currently pregnant with DC3 which was a condom failure, stick to your guns OP.

[WorraLiberty]

Asking (presumably once) how someone feels about something this important, isn't pestering.

Lots of people change their minds about how many children they want.

If the OP comes back and says he was pestering then fair enough, but I don't think it's fair to assume.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Have you tried the implant? I had mine last month & it's wonderful.

I can't use oestrogen based bc either.

[WorraLiberty]

That's awful Totally

To be honest, I wouldn't stay with someone who thought it was ok to force me into an operation, in order to save my marriage.

[Cailleach666]

I cant take any hormonal contraception and wasn't able to have a coil fitted, the only option we had left was one of us being sterilised.

Really?

There are other options.

I have managed to avoid unwanted conception for decades using none of these methods.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

His body his choice.

the normal response on these threads (admittedly its normal my DH doesn't want anymore) id that the person that doesn't want anymore kids has the operation.

[Cailleach666]

totally- how horribly controlling.

Threatening to leave someone if he didn't have surgery.

If he had any sense he would have walked out at that point.

[Bugsylugs]

Diaphragm no hormone gives you control?

[LadyRoughDiamond]

I know the coil isn't for everyone, but we've found it a good solution. I had my youngest at 40 and whilst we knew we didn't want any more, we didn't want to do anything permanent either.
I'd say I went through about 2 days of discomfort (mild labour-like pain controlled by over the counter painkillers), followed by 6 weeks of strange bleeding. Within 4 months my periods had stopped completely and I couldn't tell it was even there. Apparently the hormones in the Mirena are good at counteracting the first symptoms of menopause and make the whole thing easier. Overall, I like being the one in control of my fertility and have found the pluses far outweigh the minuses in terms of physical symptoms etc.

[PixieChemist]

That's interesting Lady about it counteracting the start of menopause. I didn't know that. I'm nowhere near that point yet (hopefully) but it's good to know for future reference. Like you I had pain the first few days and yeah about 6 weeks of weird bleeding although not really bleeding more like that old blood type stuff (Sorry if tmi) and then about 1 more period type experience although again more like old blood and nothing since, they're fab aren't they.

I thought the mirena was out for me tbh as I've never been able to handle hormonal contraception, I've had the combined bill, POP and implant and they were all horrendous. But this one I barely know is there, in fact I frequently forget and have to remind myself to check the threads.

[Rachie1973]

I have a Mirena too, my 5th one.

I had one between my 3rd and 4th children, which was removed in order to get pregnant. I was preg within 2 months, so reverses really fast.

No periods at all..... love it.

Due a change next month though. Boooo

[foxyface]

I was actually booked in to have a sterilisation when I found out I was pregnant with DC4, I asked about having one 3 months ago and was told no as I might end up wanting another child.

DH asks about having more children every few months. I wouldn't mind so much if he actually bothered to spend time with them but when he's been away for 4 weeks, spends an hour with them and then asks me about having another it pisses me off.

I had a coil between DC1 and DC2 which was fine and had another fitted after DC3 and was in severe pain for 2 months until my doctor finally agreed to take it out and I don't want to risk that again. I also had the implant 15 years ago and I used to have a 3 week period so that's not an option either.

[diddl]

It is his body his choice & it's also Op's body, her choice-be that coils, implants, taking the pill or no longer wanting to sort out the contraception!

Sometimes you've just had enough of the responsibility & want your partner to take over!

Obviously tricky in this case if he wants more kids-still, that nicely hands it all back over to the Op, doesn't it?

[HowDoYouSayIt]

What about condoms or the diaphragm?

I'm surprised you were refused sterilisation based on your age and the fact you have four children already. Can you go back and see another doctor and ask again? Make it clear you mean it and ensure they take you seriously.

[ConciseandNice]

You don't want any more. Not him. Get sterilised. They will give you this on the NHS after a fourth child. They've been asking me after number 3 (I am sterilised now). It can be a day case and then you can take him out of the equation. If he wants more kids, you won't want to be the person stopping him. But likewise you shouldn't have pregnancies you don't want. Your choice, you do it.

[Salmakia]

I think you've done more than your share. Contraception is a joint responsibility. For 17 years it's been on you. 17! My partner has had a vasectomy and we haven't had 4 kids and 17 years together. I'd been on hormonal contraception for 3 years that I'd had enough off, the coil caused heavy periods and we wanted to continue having sex without condoms so he booked an appointment and did it. You don't want anymore children so unless he seriously sees himself having more with someone else I don't see why he wouldn't. Celibacy may end your relationship so if he is adamant then condoms. It is unreasonable for you to continue taking full responsibility.

[Quartz2208]

I see so he wants more children as some kind of status symbol.

Outside of this how is your relationship?

The thing is you dont want them and cant use birth control other than condoms, vasectomy or abstinence. Well tell him that and then it is his body his choice

[DailyMailReadersAreThick]

It sounds like your problems go beyond contraception choices. He doesn't spend time with the kids, pushes you to have more, and doesn't respect your decisions. What are his good points?

[Oblomov17]

Being sterilised was great for me. But you have to REALLY want it, which it doesn't appear you do.

[FenceSitter01]

I doubt others will like my take on it, if you don't want more children YOU get sterilised. You very well may divorce/die tomorrow and he might want to start another family. You don't have any right to take away that option from him.