To think I'm not a baby machine and DH should get the snip?

[foxyface]

DC4 is 9mo and I've said from when I found out I was pregnant with him that this is absolutely our last child, because I know DH would really like to have about 6. I've also just been taken off the pill by my doctor since I was having too many severe side effects.

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child! We kind of had a small argument about it that ended with me telling him I think he should get a vasectomy.

He's been fine with me today and though I know I went about it the wrong way, I was being serious. I'm not a baby making machine, and for 17 years our birth control has been up to me. I feel like its his turn. AIBU?

[stitchglitched]

Nothing disgusting about exercising your right to say no. Bodily autonomy goes both ways.

[Cailleach666]

hammer- It's appalling that we still - as women - don't have body autonomy

It's nothing to do with that. It's to do with the ethics of the medical providers.
Sterilisation is permanent and has life changing consequences.

[Cailleach666]

How is this allowed-to treat someone as if they can't make a decision for themselves?

But you are asking a surgeon to perform some life changing surgery.

My friend wanted to be sterilised at 25. No kids, a high flying career. Knew 100% that she didn't want kids, would never want kids. She went through several GPs, none of whom would refer her for sterilisation.
She was livid.

Fast track 10 years and she has 2 kids.

[JacquesHammer]

It's nothing to do with that

It is everything to do with that. My GP's actual response was "what if you meet a man and change your mind".

I have been battling for this for 3 years. In that time I know 4 men (similar age to me) who have been referred and been sterilised.

[JacquesHammer]

Oh and the "life changing consequences" for me would be enabling me to have the surgery I need to improve my quality of life due to a menstrual disorder. There's no other consequences. I'm infertile

[diddl]

"My friend wanted to be sterilised at 25."

What has that got to do with the Op who was asking to be sterilised after her 4th?

[DoubleDinghyRapids]

Dh and Imare both the same age and with same GP. When I was 35 I asked about the possibility of being sterilised as I knew I didn't want more children, was told no as I might change my mind, said I defiantly wouldn't, was then told dh might want more in future, said dh isn't the one asking to be sterilised, i wasn't taken seriously at all, came home from appointment fuming. Dh phoned the next day about having snip, GP did consultation over the phine, dh wasn't asked how his wife felt about it, he wasn't told he'd change his mind, and two weeks later he'd had the snip thanks to a cancellation.

[BuckinhamL]

It's appalling that we still - as women - don't have body autonomy

'Bodily autonomy' doesn't mean 'the NHS must pay for whatever decision I make.' A GP will turn a man down for a vasectomy referral if it is not felt to be in the patient's best interests.

[laundryelf]

It's a difficult situation and no one should be forced into having a medical procedure or baby that they don't want. However if OP does get sterilised and her DH still wants more children, are we really saying that he would be justified in leaving the relationship?

And his children by the OP, as it sounds like he barely spends time with them now?

[pigeondujour]

Sterilisation is permanent and has life changing consequences.

So? You can say the same for loads of things. It's bizarre to think that one couldn't be 100% confident of not wanting five or more kids (surely most people don't?!), especially when she's the person who has to be pregnant and give birth to them.

[pigeondujour]

And 'the NHS doesn't have to pay for it' argument is just daft in this context. I'd hazard a guess that people preventing having fifth children is going to be a net saving for the state.

[expatinscotland]

Also, the NHS won't pay for reversals, so what's it to them if someone wants to be sterilised?

[BishopBrennansArse]

Sorry to go off topic but expat had no idea it was 5 years

[JacquesHammer]

Bodily autonomy' doesn't mean 'the NHS must pay for whatever decision I make.' A GP will turn a man down for a vasectomy referral if it is not felt to be in the patient's best interests

I am infertile. I don't meet the criteria for the first type of fibroid treatment because they only treat in this PCT when it's a barrier to conceiving.

That leaves ablation. They won't refer me for ablation as there's higher risks if I do get pregnant.

To qualify for the ablation, I need to be sterilised. They won't sterilise me "in case I meet a man and change my mind".

3 years of battling isn't a whim. And yes, as I said I know men who have been sterilised without even a modicum of difficulty.

[SallyForthSunshine]

i think your DH is a monumental tosser, but that aside - just get the sterilization. Do not accept a doctor saying "Ooh but what if you want baby number five?" Get it booked. And tell DTwat that while you are recuperating he will step up and be a father to the existing four.

[minisoksmakehardwork]

I'm of the school of thought that the individual who doesn't want anymore children is the one who takes permanent preventative action. Eg Dh and I didn't want anymore children, me more so that him. I was sterilised.

We also weighed up the options in discussion with our gp and female sterilisation was the least risky option for us - I'm a sahm, Dh works and would have needed time off, potentially longer recovery for him.

I had the (controversial) essure implants. The only thing I've noticed is a heavier period and more of an ache around that time of the month. Sometimes a twinge like a pulled muscle. But on the whole it has been very successful for us and the pros definitely outweighed the cons. And I can't say that heavier periods wouldn't have happened after years of being on infected/implant/oral contraceptives and 3 pregnancies.

It was surprisingly easy to arrange once I'd spoken to my gp, although she implied that I would need to be absolutely resolute in my decision as the consultants often wouldn't recommend it at my (then) age. However, the consultant agreed quite easily when she saw we had 4 children including a multiple pregnancy. All she needed to know was the Dh was supportive, although I don't think he actually came to the appointment. He did to the gp appointment with me.

[expatinscotland]

'Do not accept a doctor saying "Ooh but what if you want baby number five?" Get it booked. '

She needs a doctor to refer her for it. You can't just 'get it booked' unless you're privately paying for it. And someone like her husband probably isn't going to just step up and look after his kids whilst she recovers.

[streetface]

If anyone could offer an insight into contraception apart from a condom that does not involve hormones or a coil then, please bestow your wisdom. The doctors didn't give me any other options either.

Unless it's 'natural' contraception. That worked for two years before the 'whoops'

[streetface]

As for sterilisation and autonomy, it is postcode dependent.

I got sterilised after 2 children and I was only 31. I had no trouble persuading my doctor. It really is a big deal though and much more so for a woman so think carefully.

[WomblingThree]

Obviously it's fucking life changing. That's why I chose to do it. If I'd wanted reversible contraception I would have got a coil or an implant or depo or any of the other things that, as a grown woman, I knew about.

I cannot believe that women on here are spouting the ridiculous reasons that usually male consultants used to spout, when they thought pretty little females couldn't possibly be in charge of their own bodies.

[streetface]

I personally didn't mean 'reversible' (even though it is actually) I just meant the recovery time and pain is quite bad. More of a big deal for you than your OH. Not questioning your ability to make a decision for yourself at all.

[SandyY2K]

I wouldn't mind so much if he actually bothered to spend time with them but when he's been away for 4 weeks, spends an hour with them and then asks me about having another it pisses me off.

Have you said this to him?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Yeah, I think OP actually has bigger problems than contraception. A man who wants a lot of children but doesn't actually look after the ones he has is probably a shit partner, and the set up is all about feeding his ego. A few years ago there was a really frightening thread on here that began with OP saying her H wanted more DC and she didn't - gradually the picture of a hideously abusive marriage came out and MNers supported the OP in leaving the abuser. (I can't remember OP's handle and it probably isn#t a good idea to name check her anyway.)

[SandyY2K]

And for someone who decided he/she does not want anymore children, ever, the death of a child doesn't change that.

This isn't true and you can't speak for everyone.

I know of three women who had babies for that very reason.

They have large age gaps of 10+ years and they were done with babies until tragedy struck.

[expatinscotland]

And they'd all been sterilised in the past because they decided they never wanted children again even before one of theirs died? Well, good on them, Sandy, but then it's their lookout, the NHS won't pay for it. People who opt for sterilisation are told in no uncertain terms that it should be considered a permanent procedure, because reversal doesn't always work. People who elect this procedure know it is permanent and that if they want it reversed they'll need to pay for it themselves.

But again, it sounds as if the OP's got far deeper problems because it sounds like her husband sees children as a mere extension of himself he cannot be bothered to look after.