To think I'm not a baby machine and DH should get the snip?

[foxyface]

DC4 is 9mo and I've said from when I found out I was pregnant with him that this is absolutely our last child, because I know DH would really like to have about 6. I've also just been taken off the pill by my doctor since I was having too many severe side effects.

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child! We kind of had a small argument about it that ended with me telling him I think he should get a vasectomy.

He's been fine with me today and though I know I went about it the wrong way, I was being serious. I'm not a baby making machine, and for 17 years our birth control has been up to me. I feel like its his turn. AIBU?

[winglesspegasus]

hasnt always been that way in usacross
at 23 had twins and 2 adopted AND problems that would be solved by a tubal.tried for years doctors know best my ass.
too young you may want more(NO problems precluded that and would most likely kill me)
got tired of drs who didnt have a clue
i was 18 when roe vs wade passed and being told what to do with my body still
many vasectomys in family ,none with pain or trouble or regrets
on the otherhand if it was me i would be getting tied ,4 children at age 38 is plenty to deal with.
forcing him to do it is just as bad as him insisting you have more children
good luck

[Anatidae]

you've made your wishes clear and he is still asking. Thus, alas, its you who needs to sort out contraception. That's not ideal, and in an idea world you'd both agree on number of children and take equal responsibility for contraception like equals - but that's not the situation you're in.

You can't force him to get a vasectomy. He can't stop you from being sterilised.

He sounds like a disinteresteted parent - WHY does he want more? Is it a control thing? You're pregnant and vulnerable and he proves his masculinity? Any other issues in the marriage?

[Anatidae]

Sorrybposted too soon - my point is that both of you have bodily autonomy. And yet that the potential consequences of sex are much greater for you than him.

The NHS should do a tubal after your fourth. Discuss this with your MW - any control issues etc as well. Speak to your GP or consultant if you're consultant led and get the ball rolling now.

[WomblingThree]

Sorry @streetface if it looked like I was referring to you, I wasn't.

[BananaShit]

That's awful Jacques.

[SallyForthSunshine]

She needs a doctor to refer her for it. You can't just 'get it booked' unless you're privately paying for it. And someone like her husband probably isn't going to just step up and look after his kids whilst she recovers.

Same for a lot of other things. I had to argue my GP into giving me certain medication. Sometimes they have to be persuaded. There's no good reason a doctor wouldn't refer a mother of four is there? The only resistance I ever hear is concern that she may want a child/more children.

Her only other option if she can't get sterilized is to leave him. Or get back to being his baby machine, and child raising machine..

[worridmum]

I just hope you husband doesnt have life long complications like my friend from university he had the snip and ever since he is in constant pain not a mild pain but one that requires strong painkillers.

Why are there not more information relating to the risks of vestocemoies? 10% is a massive number (i am sure it is infact higher).

And people think its only a minor surgery and refer it as the snip which down plays the serous nature of the complications.

If you dont want more children you get sterlised you do not have the right to pressure other people to have possibly life altering surgery just because you are sick of birth control.

[worridmum]

Btw apprently the only possible cure for the pain is total removal (then no sex ever again as in men need the testicles to actully get errect).

That is just how serious the complications can be were the pain can get so bad that they might need to amplutate the entire scrutum and thus forever more forego sex or be on life time of strong painkillers........

[SallyForthSunshine]

I just hope you husband doesnt have life long complications like my friend from university he had the snip and ever since he is in constant pain not a mild pain but one that requires strong painkillers.

Oh. Is that all you just hope? Because he isn't getting a vasectomy. He just wants his wife to keep having more babies that he then doesn't have anything to do with. Never mind about all the stresses on her body though, she's just a woman, not a "poor bloke". No need to worry about her.

[SallyForthSunshine]

amplutate the entire scrutum

OK, so you're either a troll or an 8 year old. Sorry for taking you seriously!

[Anatidae]

He doesn't want a vasectomy, he likely won't get one. Op can't force him. So she has to take responsibility for contraception.

That's not ideal. In an ideal world there would be a bigger range of options for both sexes, and more highly reliable non hormonal options for women. But there aren't. So in the situation she's in, she needs to take control.

Interestingly there was a study looking at options for male contraceptives recently. It was stopped due to side effects that were considered 'unacceptable' to the male participants. The side effects were basically analogous to those women report on the pill. Of course men shouldn't have to tolerate such side effects either, but it says a lot that women are...

Op, you can't make your husband get a vasectomy. He sounds like a knob to be honest.

[BananaShit]

If you dont want more children you get sterlised you do not have the right to pressure other people to have possibly life altering surgery just because you are sick of birth control.

Well, on the subject of risks, if OP follows this advice and gets sterilised, let's hope she doesn't have an ectopic pregnancy that kills her.

[JacquesHammer]

That's not ideal. In an ideal world there would be a bigger range of options for both sexes, and more highly reliable non hormonal options for women

Absolutely this

Op, you can't make your husband get a vasectomy. He sounds like a knob to be honest

I think the OP's husband does sound like a fool. However he isn't a fool because he won't have a vasectomy.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

Whilst I do agree that both parties should have bodily autonomy, this should take into account ops wishes not to have any more dc and have her dh take some responsibility for contraception(frankly I might not trust him with condoms)
When I was having surprise dc4 with my 3rd section, my (male) obstetrician told me in no uncertain terms, that a tubal ligation would happen. When I was booked in, the (female) registrar asked why this was happening, I told her I'd been told. She turned to dh and said "and can I ask,why you haven't considered a vasectomy? You're happy for your wife to undergo serious operations, but you won't?" Her face said it all. Dh was rather sheepish.

[expatinscotland]

'When I was having surprise dc4 with my 3rd section, my (male) obstetrician told me in no uncertain terms, that a tubal ligation would happen. When I was booked in, the (female) registrar asked why this was happening, I told her I'd been told. She turned to dh and said "and can I ask,why you haven't considered a vasectomy? You're happy for your wife to undergo serious operations, but you won't?" Her face said it all. Dh was rather sheepish.'

How incredibly unprofessional of him. I'd have complained about such a doctor, he's completely out of line to dictate what your contraceptive choice should be . Your DH was 'rather sheepish', wow, what a twat.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

Not excusing it at all Expat, it was 20 years ago, my head was not in a good place, things weren't great with other things in my life. The me of today would not have put up with it. I nearly hugged the female reg.

[worridmum]

i am not a troll or 8 years old how else would you explain the total removal of the the testicles and surronding tissue? and the skin that housed it ?

If the OP does not anymore children she should get sterlirsed no if no butts none of the PA no sex til he gets a snip?

Can you imgine the outrage on here if a male partner pressurized a woman to have surgery or a procdure she didnt want by refusing to have sex etc? He would rightly be called a controlling bastard, but apprently pressuring a bloke to have the snip is fair game.......

[expatinscotland]

'If the OP does not anymore children she should get sterlirsed no if no butts none of the PA no sex til he gets a snip?

Can you imgine the outrage on here if a male partner pressurized a woman to have surgery or a procdure she didnt want by refusing to have sex etc? He would rightly be called a controlling bastard, but apprently pressuring a bloke to have the snip is fair game.......'

She has every right to chose abstinence as a form of contraception if she doesn't want to undergo a major procedure on her body to avoid another pregnancy (and incidentally, complications from that procedure include death). No one bar one poster has endorsed her pressuring him to have a procedure. It's been treated no differently from a woman posting that her H was trying to pressure her into have a tubal ligation.

[stitchglitched]

worridmum you cite all the possible side effects of a vasectomy but condemn the idea of a woman refusing sex, even though the risks associated with a potential pregnancy are much higher. And you're completely dismissive of the idea of being sick of birth control despite the side effects there too. Just more woman hating nonsense from you as usual.

[Anatidae]

I phrased it badly jacques- I meant she can't force him into a vasectomy. And he sounds like a twat. Not that he's a twat for not having the vasectomy (his body, his choice.)

Punctuation, Anatidea!! :)

He sounds like a twat for wanting children he never looks after. The only men I've known who do this have either had a quasi fetish about fertility or have used it to control their partners. Or been religious nuts* of the 'quiverful' ilk

• no of course religious does not equal nut. But quiverful equals nut

[JacquesHammer]

Anatidae - with you absolutely

[HelenaDove]

"DH asks about having more children every few months. I wouldn't mind so much if he actually bothered to spend time with them but when he's been away for 4 weeks, spends an hour with them and then asks me about having another it pisses me off."
Major Red Flag.
You have a much bigger problem OP It sounds like you are married to a man who wants you to keep having kid after kid to keep you at home. Please see about getting yourself sterilised. And if you are end up using condoms as a lone method stick one over a tap and run water through it to see if there are any leaks

Because he sounds like the sort to practice reproductive coercion by pricking holes in the condoms.

IMO SGB has it spot on.

[HelenaDove]

SGB i remember that thread. Was almost five years ago Absolutely horrific. I remember her username but i shant post it.

[HelenaDove]

As a childfree by choice woman ive known for a good 25 + years that i couldnt cope with motherhood and its just not for me. I felt that way at 19 and i still feel that way at 44.

I did ask about sterilisation but was refused at 25 then at 27 and then at 30.


Nothings changed about the way i feel Callie.

[Ttbb]

He has no right to dictate what you do with your body just as much as you have no right to dictate to him what he should do with his. If you don't want anymore children but he does then the onus is on you to sort out contraception. There are many options out there, not just the pill. You could look into the shot or IUS. If you cannot take hormonal contraceptives you could get a copper IUD or a tubal ligation. Asking him to put a permanent end to his fertility because you don't want children isn't any fairer than him asking you to TTC because he wants more.