To think I'm not a baby machine and DH should get the snip?

[foxyface]

DC4 is 9mo and I've said from when I found out I was pregnant with him that this is absolutely our last child, because I know DH would really like to have about 6. I've also just been taken off the pill by my doctor since I was having too many severe side effects.

Then DH last night asked how I felt about maybe having another child! We kind of had a small argument about it that ended with me telling him I think he should get a vasectomy.

He's been fine with me today and though I know I went about it the wrong way, I was being serious. I'm not a baby making machine, and for 17 years our birth control has been up to me. I feel like its his turn. AIBU?

[Leapfrog44]

People who have so many kids really disgust me to be honest. Two children are enough to replace the parents, any more and you're using up more than your fair share of resources and contributing to the fucked up over-populated world we are going to leave our kids. Tell him not to be so fucking selfish and irresponsible.

[TheMaddHugger]

Hiphopfrog Tue 19-Sep-17 10:03:03
People who have so many kids really disgust me to be honest. Two children are enough to replace the parents, any more and you're using up more than your fair share of resources and contributing to the fucked up over-populated world we are going to leave our kids. Tell him not to be so fucking selfish and irresponsible.

WHAT ?

[IrritatedUser1960]

He can have the snip. My GP warned me that having my tubes tied would induce early menopause which it did at 45 and that caused the breakup of my marriage.
There are no such side effects to vasectomy so unless he wants a shitty bad tempered, hot and sweaty wife with no sex drive he'd better go and get it done.

[Anatidae]

People who have so many kids really disgust me to be honest. Two children are enough to replace the parents..

That's not how statistics works.

Some people have no children
Some have one
Some have two - the replacement rate is 2.something actually to account for attrition
Some have more.

As long as your bell curve is centred on the replacement rate you're fine. I have one child. My siblings have none. Maybe I'll have another (maybe I'll have triplets , yikes!)
What happens on a population level is what's important, and the individual level is more granular,

[liquidrevolution]

OP I would follow Reanimateds advice. Things may get more unpleasant.

[PixieChemist]

Hiphopfrog

People who have so many kids really disgust me to be honest. Two children are enough to replace the parents, any more and you're using up more than your fair share of resources and contributing to the fucked up over-populated world we are going to leave our kids. Tell him not to be so fucking selfish and irresponsible.

Are you for real?! I for one would like more than one DC but since DP already has one does that mean we're only allowed one together? Sorry but who makes you the population police?

[justforthisthread101]

@foxyface, I am so sorry to read your update as clearly you have much bigger problems than the sterilisation conversation. DH would love more children, and every so often raises it to be met with a firm "Nope." While that disappoints him, he is now (our youngest is 4) coming to terms with that and enjoying the evolution of our family that we're out of the baby stage. I hope your DH gets to a point where he is grateful for what he has.

Not to derail but @expatinscotland, I think of you and your daughter often - I remember that time so clearly - although it was many name changes ago. I hope you're all doing well.

[diddl]

"has taken himself off to a hotel until he's decided what he wants to do"

How dramatic of him!

Wonder what decision he feels he has to make?

[ToffeeCake1]

Not your penis not your choice

[HelenaDove]

OP Totally up to you but it might be an idea to get this thread moved to Relationships because we still have ignoramouses posting without reading the thread.

[AcrossthePond55]

That's emotional blackmail!!! I wouldn't stand for it and I'd be off like a shot to get a tubal. Because you can bet that now that you have told him that you do NOT want more children AND that you are willing to do what it takes to guarantee it, he will believe himself justified in 'doing what it takes' to get you pregnant. After all, one 'wrong turn' deserves another! NOT!!!!

[SallyForthSunshine]

A hotel is probably the best place for him right now...

If he is going to consider leaving you because four children isn't enough for him, let him go. And I'm sure there are plenty of "if the genders were reveeersed..." comments, but whenever a woman with several children posts that she desperately wants another, she's told to pull her head out of her arse and appreciate what she's got...

[Clutterbugsmum]

"has taken himself off to a hotel until he's decided what he wants to do" Tell not to worry you have just found your 5th child and he seems to have gone off to sulk in a hotel, while leaving you with your other 4 children.

I can understand why you wouldn't want another child while there father doesn't seem to want to be a father to the ones he got.

[Acromantula]

It sounds like you've already got a 5th child, by the spoiled way your DH is acting :-(
I really hope things get sorted out soon.
Maybe your DH will volunteer himself for a scientific study where they try to get men pregnant....

[TheMaddHugger]

@foxyface are you ok ? ((((((((((Mega Hugs))))))))))))😢😿🌸🌷🌼🌸

[jacks11]

I don't think YABU to not want any more children. Nor is it unreasonable to refuse to use hormonal contraception any longer, for whatever reason. Female sterilisation is a much more invasive procedure and has a higher failure rate than vasectomy (and higher failure rate than many methods of contraception- it is not as "final" as can be implied by the name).

That said, your DH is not being unreasonable to say he doesn't want to have a vasectomy. It is surgery (all be it relatively straightforward surgery) and does carry risks. For that reason, I think YABVU to demand he has surgery. Suggesting it as a possibility is fine, but if he says no then you should leave it there because it is his body and therefore his choice- in the same way it is your choice to decide not to use hormonal contraception and not to have any more pregnancies.

Equally, now you have made it clear you do not want any more children, he should respect that choice and stop pestering you about it.

In situations where one partner wants more children and one doesn't, the one who doesn't want any more should (in my view) get the final say- a child should ideally be wanted by both parents. But you don't get to impose a permanent, probably irreversible sterilisation procedure on your partner.

[HelenaDove]

jacks why are you minimizing the DHs wish to have control over his wifes body as "pestering" when he is trying to control the OP.

Yet you are saying the OP is imposing it on him.

Why is the OP " imposing" but he is only "pestering"

........because sexism.

[jacks11]

Helena

Until the most recent update, OP said he asks every so often, she says no and the cycle repeats. As far as I can see, until the recent update which I have just read where he has gone to a hotel, he has not forced the issue- hence using pestered.

I think trying to manipulate OP into considering more children by threatening to end the marriage is not on and not something any woman should put up with.

Perhaps I was wrong to use "impose" but I think issuing ultimatums (as a number of posters have suggested) to get someone to undergo an operation is wrong. In some ways it is attempting to impose your wishes by means of manipulation. Same as it is for him to be issuing ultimatums if she refuses to have another child. Neither is acceptable.

[HelenaDove]

Agreed But what hes doing is way worse especially as he does fuck all childcare for the ones hes got.

[BananaShit]

Which ultimatums jacks?

[nicewaterfeature]

If it's you who doesn't want more children, then you should be the one to get sterlised. Quite simple really.

[BananaShit]

Yes, right until the point where OP was refused the op. Rtft, ffs.

[nicewaterfeature]

Yes, right until the point where OP was refused the op. Rtft, ffs.

I have RTFT, thank you @BananaShit, sou could also STFU and stop being so bloody rude.

She says she was told no as she might end up wanting another child. Has she had a second opinion? Considered going private? Or just blindly accepted the word of the first doctor she spoke to?

Forcing her husband into an operation because she doesn't want any more kids is wrong, full stop. Imagine it were the other way round and the cries of abuse you'd have on this thread.

[ReanimatedSGB]

There are already clear indications of abuse, and it's not the OP who is the abuser.
Her H:
Has repeatedly asked to have more children
Does no parenting/domestic work
Will not consider taking responsibility for contraception
Has now threatened to end the marriage if she won't allow him to impregnate her again.

This is not a loving father who longs for a large family. This is a man who, for selfish reasons (he's hung up about lots of children being proof that his Penis Is Mighty/he wants to ensure OP's dependence on him and therefore her obedience and gratitude) wants to continue impregnating OP despite the risks to her health and her own wish to stop having babies. This is abuse.

[BananaShit]

You've read the thread, saw that OP had been refused, still saw fit to dismissively post that OP should be sterilised and it was quite simple really and you're accusing someone else of being rude nicewaterfeature? Fuck me, you've more front than fucking Blackpool. Frankly you looked better when it just seemed like you hadn't been arsed reading. There must be a cheque somewhere you could cancel instead.

Incidentally, where are you reading that OP is trying to force her husband into vasectomy? Was it written in invisible ink?