To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

[bestoutofthree]

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

I would have answered with 'why?'

I wanted to know where the boundaries were for the people who don’t seem to have any. And I never got answer. All I got was some diversion tactics trying to make me feel like I was the one who had crossed the line.

Do you think it appropriate to ask one's son how often they masturbate? - Which is another natural act btw.

Where is the line drawn? Come on sex therapists, be so kind as to answer.

I would have felt it was crossing a boundary as it involved giving out personal information not just about me (I can choose what I share about my body) but about his dad.

Also a useful lesson to learn in life that your sexual partner is entitled to a certain level of privacy.

I think an answer between always/often/sometimes/never might have been less...tmi?! But hey when we're put on the spot...

Ds once asked 'when do people have sex? I ended up saying "er evenings I think, oh and mornings or the odd afternoon..." I wonder if that conversation has stayed with him as it has done me!

I would have said just the usual twice/ three times a year Christmas and birthdays! Then asked why he wanted to know . we are just broaching the whole sex talk thing with my 8 nearly 9 year old he's starting to ask questions about making babies I asked if he had heard the word sex he said yes I asked if he knew what it was he said no so I told him it was the act of making a baby wondering how far this would go he ended the conversation with a gasp so you and daddy have had sex ! I looked the him and his younger brother laughed and said yes at least twice with a grin ! He went off and carried on doing something else he's not brought it up again yet

He's heard you at it?

Hello, Huff Po journalists. Not enough real news going on in the world for you to use your valuable reporting abilities on?

Thank you everyone for the replies, I especially appreciate the kind ones but also the different opinions. Plenty to reflect on.

I wonder if he's trying to reconcile the different answer he received when he asked his Dad?

It was an odd question but equally I think by giving a straight answer you did the right thing. If we cloud these things in mystery he'll think ooh what's this all about or even that it's wrong in some way. I think straight but she appropriate answers are always best and you handled the situation well

I think it's great that he felt comfortable to ask and you didn't shroud sex in mystery. I think more families should be open to this. There's a lot of confused teenagers out there that would love to get a few straight answered. My parents would pretty much lie to me to avoid answering a question about sex when I was younger.

Good there's a line there for a reason. It's to protect children.

When openess is abused, then it's an issue and that grey area between "being an open family" and "no healthy boundaries" is crossed then trouble starts.

Children have no reason to discuss their parents sex lives with them.

None whatsoever.

Discussing SEX is another thing altogether.

Don't blame you for answering, you were caught on the hop. And you checked if he really wanted to know (clearly he didn't 😂 But he said yes so... he has learnt his lesson there)

As questions go I don't think it's particularly inappropriate really and I think it's quite important that kids realise sex is not a big deal in an adult relationship and that it's something adults do for fun not just to conceive a baby.

I have no experience of the ickiness of realising your parents Do It because my mum decided to tell me - out of the blue, NOT prompted in any way by me - how dad had given her basically no physical attention for years and lots of gory details related to that. Now that WAS inappropriate particularly from a 'using your child as an emotional crutch' point of view.

I thwill nknits good you answered honestly. It sets up a good relationship for the future where he can talk to you about his worries etc. He could also ask your advice on birth control which is much better than getting it from his friends. And he won't feel ashamed or inhibited about sex. Good for you.

No time to RTFT but I don't think it was a terrible question and I think you answered just right. He probably is trying to work out how sex fits into life. It feels personal and invasive to you but he won't have perceived it that way. My DD at about 14 asked me how many men I had had sex with! I think I muttered 2 or 3 which was possibly the first lie I'd ever told her! I did tell the truth a few years later.

My DDs tell me I've answered this one already but it was one of the less embarrassing questions I've been asked to be frank. Actually I don't really get why answering it is an issue.

At 5 my youngest DD asked me if Daddy had really put his zizi in my zigonette? This was following on from some play ground discussion. She really expected to be told it was bullshit. And then she asked if it hurt.

I answered honestly (but not too honestly) A male friend did say he thought I'd missed a trick and should have said it was agony.

He was probably convinced you didn't do it and it surprised him.

You do know he's probably gonna tell his mates

Reminds me of dd saying to me in that sing song voice 'you and bf have s-e-x' (she won't say the word )
I replied "not right now"

I think that it's good that he felt he could talk to you openly about it. Teens these days need to understand what a normal loving relationship is. They have so much access to adult material these days with iPhones and tablets etc and it's the sort of material that doesn't reflect normal relationships!

I agree, it's good that he felt he could ask the question even though he didn't really want to know the answer!

I'm sure you will both get over it, maybe try to ask him what prompted the question. Was it sex ed at school or a conversation with a friend or something he's watched?

He's probably heard something trite and simplistic like regular sex means you still love each other or something. He's checking all is well?
Good on you for your openness. 12 yo are complex little beasties.
(Caveat. I have not rtft. Am waiting for DC to get the hell dressed).

I don't think it's odd. It was fine to ask and to reply. 12 year olds are a bit awkward: it's a funny in-between age. My parents were super uptight about anything to do with sex or even anatomy. As I result when I was a victim of serious sexual assault as a young teen I never told them and had no support. I am completely open with my kids and always tell them they can't embarrass me whatever it is they want to know or tell, and I will always help them, whatever they've done.

This is now in the Huffington Post (and their Facebook)

why all the flaming here!im so surprised by it.and slightly confused. surely this is a good thing that such a taboo especially amongst the kids subject has been broached.hes come to his mum,his source his info his secure protector and asked a question u might expect at a young boy. it could have been a question he was really confused by.at that age there will be the lads saying they've had it/want it/do it all the time/jokeing amongst friends/teasing. so for him to be thinking whats the norm and for him to come to his parents for this might be something really important.
and yes ok if you don't feel comfortable you could give a jokey or weary answer.or ask why.but its not on the OP head to slam it or him.and why are we so mean in our reply to the OP. id feel a little embaressed perhaps but then also then with a pause really proud of him and us for this being an able convo.

I have 2DS. At one stage DS1 worked out we'd had sex twice! Bless.