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AIBU?

To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

240 replies

bestoutofthree · 17/09/2017 12:17

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

OP posts:

Report

SamineShaw · 20/09/2017 07:23

It's on Mirror and Sun online too. Is there nothing going on in the world or are they so crap at writing that we have to do it for them?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/09/2017 20:34

They don't really call themselves 'journalists', do they?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/09/2017 20:34

I'd say insanely bored to be talking about ops sex life. I'd love to live in their world where nothing happens.

Creambun2 · 19/09/2017 20:29

Mail "journalists" are shit heads.

CoconutPancakes · 19/09/2017 20:16

Yes - it's on the Daily Mail website ...

Witchend · 19/09/2017 18:38

I'm sure I read a story on a website that must be based on this today.

CountFosco · 19/09/2017 18:36

My eldest is a couple of years younger but has now started getting interested in sex and so we get lots of questions from her. Her father gets embarrassed but I'm a biologist so take the 'bore them with facts' approach. She's already asked some of the beyond the pale questions people have mentioned here and I've volunteered other information, e.g. we were talking about the different kinds of sex mentioned in her facts of life book and I made it clear that it's against the law to have sex before you are 16 and that I'd never had anal and would recommend she didn't consider it until she'd been having sex for a few years. I think the dangers from porn culture are so dangerous we owe it to our children to be quite explicit about what a normal healthy relationship is like.

lovealatte · 19/09/2017 12:31

I realise I'm coming late to this but just want to say I reallybwoukdnt worry about this. I think it's great he was able to ask, and really not a big deal that you answered. It will not traumatised him or damage him In anyway. Previous posters who have suggested you were inappropriate or he lacks boundaries are over reacting. Yes it might be worth reminding him that sex is private and not to go sharing this info or asking anyone else. But otherwise it is good for kids to hear that sex in a happy relationship is normal and that their parents are approachable.

waterlego6064 · 19/09/2017 12:13

It sounds like you've got a good relationship with open communication, which is something I aspire to with my own children (but don't always get right).

I don't think there's anything odd or inappropriate about your DS's question- it's a perfectly normal thing for a 12 year-old to wonder when they are thinking about sex. My DD (nearly 12) has only recently made the connection that adults have recreational sex. She had some sex-ed lessons in Year 6 and came home wanting to talk about it. She told me: 'Grandma and Grandad must have had sex twice', which was my cue to clarify with her that most people don't only have sex for procreation!

She is currently aghast that people would choose to do such a thing for fun, but I told her she is likely to want to do it too when she is older, even though she doesn't like the thought of it now.

On a tangent: she was also horrified by a video they were shown, featuring what she described as 'a couple who were going to have intercourse chasing each other with balloons'. Having now seen the video in question, I realise she was talking about the bit where a (cartoon) couple are depicted chasing each other around the bedroom, tickling each other with feathers and having a pillow-fight. Hahahaaa!

arranisle · 19/09/2017 11:19

Exactly @awwlookatmybabyspider haha. People are so quick to shout 'STEALTH BOAST' but... this isn't, is it? At all.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/09/2017 11:08

Why would it be stealth boast because she has a shag twice a week.

arranisle · 19/09/2017 11:05

at people who think this is a stealth boast...

Leapfrog44 · 19/09/2017 09:59

You're right to keep it open and relaxed but you should also teach there are questions that are appropriate (what is sex etc) and those which are private. Asking how many times you have sex is an inappropriate question and you missed an opportunity to tell him this!

TatianaLarina · 19/09/2017 09:45

there's a line there for a reason. It's to protect children.

How can you protect children by refusing to answer their questions about sex? It shuts down any discussion. The upshot will be that children's conception of sex comes from the playground and porn.

At 12 children don't really know which questions are appropriate and which aren't, as they don't really know what sex is.

When openess is abused, then it's an issue and that grey area between "being an open family" and "no healthy boundaries" is crossed then trouble starts.

Why on earth are you talking about abuse of boundaries in response to a 12 year old asking an innocent question? That's so fucked up.

Mustang27 · 19/09/2017 09:44

I'd have answered but not before asking why he was querying lol. It won't do him any harm but might make you feel a bit weird next time you come to dtd.

mumindoghouse · 19/09/2017 09:30

I have 2DS. At one stage DS1 worked out we'd had sex twice! Bless.

kateandme · 19/09/2017 09:29

why all the flaming here!im so surprised by it.and slightly confused. surely this is a good thing that such a taboo especially amongst the kids subject has been broached.hes come to his mum,his source his info his secure protector and asked a question u might expect at a young boy. it could have been a question he was really confused by.at that age there will be the lads saying they've had it/want it/do it all the time/jokeing amongst friends/teasing. so for him to be thinking whats the norm and for him to come to his parents for this might be something really important.
and yes ok if you don't feel comfortable you could give a jokey or weary answer.or ask why.but its not on the OP head to slam it or him.and why are we so mean in our reply to the OP. id feel a little embaressed perhaps but then also then with a pause really proud of him and us for this being an able convo.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/09/2017 07:51

This is now in the Huffington Post (and their Facebook)

Francenfeet · 19/09/2017 07:44

I don't think it's odd. It was fine to ask and to reply. 12 year olds are a bit awkward: it's a funny in-between age. My parents were super uptight about anything to do with sex or even anatomy. As I result when I was a victim of serious sexual assault as a young teen I never told them and had no support. I am completely open with my kids and always tell them they can't embarrass me whatever it is they want to know or tell, and I will always help them, whatever they've done.

OneOfTheGrundys · 19/09/2017 07:26

He's probably heard something trite and simplistic like regular sex means you still love each other or something. He's checking all is well?
Good on you for your openness. 12 yo are complex little beasties.
(Caveat. I have not rtft. Am waiting for DC to get the hell dressed).

SamineShaw · 19/09/2017 07:20

I agree, it's good that he felt he could ask the question even though he didn't really want to know the answer!

I'm sure you will both get over it, maybe try to ask him what prompted the question. Was it sex ed at school or a conversation with a friend or something he's watched?

LaurieF · 19/09/2017 06:23

I think that it's good that he felt he could talk to you openly about it. Teens these days need to understand what a normal loving relationship is. They have so much access to adult material these days with iPhones and tablets etc and it's the sort of material that doesn't reflect normal relationships!

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Cupoteap · 19/09/2017 06:23

Reminds me of dd saying to me in that sing song voice 'you and bf have s-e-x' (she won't say the word )
I replied "not right now"

Cupoteap · 19/09/2017 06:20

He was probably convinced you didn't do it and it surprised him.

You do know he's probably gonna tell his mates

Wallywobbles · 19/09/2017 06:14

My DDs tell me I've answered this one already but it was one of the less embarrassing questions I've been asked to be frank. Actually I don't really get why answering it is an issue.

At 5 my youngest DD asked me if Daddy had really put his zizi in my zigonette? This was following on from some play ground discussion. She really expected to be told it was bullshit. And then she asked if it hurt.

I answered honestly (but not too honestly) A male friend did say he thought I'd missed a trick and should have said it was agony.

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