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Original poster

To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

240 replies

bestoutofthree · 17/09/2017 12:17

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/09/2017 12:50

Is this a stealth boast OP??? :).

Actually, I think you missed your opportunity to say "we go at it like demented bunny rabbits as soon as you are asleep or when you are out. In fact, we were wondering when you were planning on leaving home permanently. We'd like to install a dungeon.".

InsomniacAnonymous · 17/09/2017 12:51

Good grief. Questions like that are inappropriate and answering them is even more inappropriate!

demirose87 · 17/09/2017 12:51

I would have said it's none of his business. Sex shouldn't really be a taboo subject among families and it's good that he feels comfortable and confident enough, but it's inappropriate and sex is a private thing.

TheStoic · 17/09/2017 12:52

we go at it like demented bunny rabbits as soon as you are asleep or when you are out. In fact, we were wondering when you were planning on leaving home permanently. We'd like to install a dungeon."

Grin. Hope you're putting money aside for therapy.

titchy · 17/09/2017 12:52

Wow! Hugely inappropriate of BOTH of you. Does he have any sense of appropriate boundaries with other people? Why was your knee jerk reaction to be honest rather than shut the question down?

Lethaldrizzle · 17/09/2017 12:53

At least your son knows his parents have a good relationship. I don't think it's that bad that you told him. Im just impressed you do it so much!

demirose87 · 17/09/2017 12:53

And also would have asked why he wanted to know because kids don't need to know how often their parents have sex for any reason whatsoever.

dementedma · 17/09/2017 12:54

mine have never asked me that - youngest is now 15 - and they would have been told to mind their own business if they did.

Much the same response I would get if i asked them about theirs...

LouHotel · 17/09/2017 12:55

I dont think you need to be mortified. It sounds like your DS is realising that your not just a mother but a women, its embarrassing but in the long run its better for him to have a realistic concept of sex rather than see porn as the norm.

I actually think parents need to be more open about their sex life, we have a generation of boys growing up with a disturbing understanding of what intimacy is.

ILoveDolly · 17/09/2017 12:55

I would just have said 'Lol that's on a need to know basis and I'm not sure why you'd need to know'. I'm open to questions but not necessarily going to give true answers.

Inertia · 17/09/2017 12:55

I think in your position I probably would have answered in a similar manner to you. Obviously I wouldn't go into detail, and I'd explain that it's not a question to ask of people generally, but I think it's a good sign when children feel able to ask parents about the basics of sex. I wouldn't want my children feeling that they couldn't come to me to ask about anything that was worrying them, or that shame would prevent them seeking parental support if they needed it.

JenNtonic · 17/09/2017 12:56

OP forget the high and might bs replies, totally unhelpful. You were open, honest and it's an absolute credit that your little boy feels comfortable enough to talk to you. It's not too late to have the "boundary" talk. Ya doing a great job generally, I can tell. Put it under the rug or have another talk but DO NOT feel guilty xX

LadyWire · 17/09/2017 12:57

I think his total mortification at you affirming that you and his dad do it is his comeuppance for asking the question!

When my DD was about 12 and doing sex ed at school it suddenly dawned on her that she was made in the normal way and not delivered by the stork - she was horrified 😂😂😂

TinselTwins · 17/09/2017 12:57

I remember my cousin asking my dad that. (He couldn't ask his own parents). I think it's good for teens to hear about " normal" sex habits. I agree that it would be okay for the OP to not give specifics about her OWN sex life, but I would be happy to discuss " normal" (i.e. not prob or schoolyard Chinese whispers) sex patterns/practices with my DC.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/09/2017 12:57

When my DD was about 12 and doing sex ed at school it suddenly dawned on her that she was made in the normal way and not delivered by the stork - she was horrified 😂😂😂

Were'nt we all???

LordPercy · 17/09/2017 12:58

My eldest dc asked "mum, did you lose your virginity to dad?" as we went through McDs drive thru...he was about 11 at the time 😂

cremedelashite · 17/09/2017 12:58

I think it's an amazing credit to you he asked and also that you checked first and then answered. What's the big secret? Adults have loving sex. Bravo op. I hope I'm as honest as you if asked. He will process this into healthily I bet.

TinselTwins · 17/09/2017 12:58

not "porn". Wish you could edit

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/09/2017 12:59

Percy - "Hell NO lad - I was a right player. Only married your Dad because I got knocked up with you".

JaniceBattersby · 17/09/2017 12:59

I would have just told him that normal can mean once a day or once a month, or whatever, as long as both people involved are happy.

I wouldn't worry about giving him an honest answer though OP. There's no right or wrong in many of these situations. It's not going to scar him for life it might. A bit We're constantly being told to have a dialogue with our children about sex. It can be confusing.

TinselTwins · 17/09/2017 13:01

I'd rather a teenage boy heard from his parents that it can vary rather than listen to his mate who says his girlfriend let's him what her 5 times a day and never says no etc

Inbetweeners comes to mind!

Lovemusic33 · 17/09/2017 13:04

Op, don't worry about it, I would have probably responded the same and regretted it later .My Dd is quite open with me but has never really asked anything like that, she tells me she knows everything about sex as people talk about it all the time at school.

SallyForthSunshine · 17/09/2017 13:04

He probably expected/hoped you would answer "Only to conceive you and your siblings darling!"

I'm not on board with the complete transparency thing when it comes to sex. Just because they ask a question doesn't mean they deserve an answer, particularly if it's about a personal relationship. But your DS asked, and you gave him an answer. And now he'll have to work on mentally blocking out the answer!

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 17/09/2017 13:04

I think that you did the right thing op. You have told your ds that he can ask you anything. He has asked what must have been a very difficult question to ask and you gave him an honest answer. I am like this with my children, they are encouraged to ask anything that they are curious about. I would much rather my son come to me to answer this question than consult his peers who are likely basing their ideas of what constitutes 'normal sex' on the pornography that is freely available online today.

He didn't ask details, just frequency. When young teens are growing up thinking that everyone who has sex is just like the porn stars they watch online, it can only lead to concern, worries of inadequacy and very obscure and unrealistic ideas about sex.

Is your ds close to his Dad? It might be an idea to have his Dad check in regularly to see if he has any questions about sex/ puberty. My two children automatically ask me the questions as I am more matter of fact and open than my dh who can get embarrassed. But I have been working with dh to help him build trust and openness with our ds as I realise that as he ages he will want to be able to approach his dad rather than me.

Please don't shame your ds for asking that question. He obviously has a healthy relationship with you, be proud of that and keep it that way. He may need your support later, which if you put boundaries on his ability to ask questions, may make him feel ashamed and unable to seek your support.

We are so sexually repressed in the uk! It is more important to know your child, to have their trust and know that when they need guidance they can come to you. Otherwise they will seek that guidance from other spurious sources!

Goldmandra · 17/09/2017 13:06

I don't think answering is inappropriate if you're comfortable doing so. Obviously you weren't so fair enough. It isn't at all harmful for a 12 year old to know that. However, I would have added that it is a question that most people would be uncomfortable answering and the answer isn't to be shared with others.

Questions like that are often asked and answered on MN so perhaps it shouldn't be so taboo.

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