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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

240 replies

bestoutofthree · 17/09/2017 12:17

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

OP posts:
TheSultanofPingu · 18/09/2017 19:40

It came up on my Aol app as well Foxy. That was the Huffington post too.

Abbylee · 18/09/2017 19:44

He asked. You answered. Good on you. Dc do not like to know. I am sure that there is a story behind the question.

I think that our ds "caught" us one evening when he came home early.

The window was open, i thought that i heard a car (live out in country, no neighbors). He bought a driveway ALARM the next dayBlush.

For a month or so he very pointedly told us when he was coming home. I pretended ignorance to suspicion.

heron98 · 18/09/2017 19:44

Yeah it's a weird question but he's 12! And I don't think answering it was in any way inappropriate. Like someone said above, he'll probably regret asking it in a few years.

Touchmybum · 18/09/2017 19:44

I'm more than surprised that so many are making a big deal out of this. It really isn't. Plus it gives you an opportunity OP to have a follow-up talk with him about boundaries.

Excusemyfrench · 18/09/2017 19:48

What JenNtonic said.
Dont listen to the overly judgemental women on here. You did what you thought was best at the time and its fine.

Abbylee · 18/09/2017 19:51

Please remove my post. I do not wish to give yucks to huffpo

FlakeBook · 18/09/2017 19:52

No, please don't regret answering OP. I asked my mum when I was a teenager whether she'd had sex with other boyfriends and got told off for being nosy. I think it shaped my attitude to sex as something shameful. I've asked a few friends and they all said they would answer their dc n a straightforward way.

If not comfortable giving specifics just give a general answer about it depending on the couple and sex lives varying over the years in how active they are.

I think that when dc ask these personal questions they are trying to work out what the norm is and how these things work. It's a massive compliment that he asked.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 18/09/2017 20:01

Well if you've reiterated that he can really ask you ANYTHING then I think it's good that you made good on the promise and answered him. His hesitance and disgust show he knows that the boundary is there but he was curious and you said he could ask so he did.

Liara · 18/09/2017 20:05

I think this is no big deal. My 10 yo has asked things like this and we have answered truthfully.

We have also added more general statements like 'but of course at different points in a relationship it's different, most couples have a lot of sex early on in a relationships and not very much at all when they are sleep deprived with a young baby. Each couple finds what works for them and there is no right or wrong number in general.'

If they don't learn about sex from you, who would you rather they learnt it from?

TakeAnadin · 18/09/2017 20:15

Weird thread...

Creambun2 · 18/09/2017 20:17

Are you middle class OP?

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 18/09/2017 20:27

Btw, the reason I asked about the porn was because as a child, I was shown a porn video by one of my friends, and was very upset, wondering if that was the way my father treated my mother in bed. I never raised it with my parents, but I remember struggling with the idea, thinking that this was what sex was supposed to look like. So I ended up thinking that my parents could be having sex utterly revolting. Therefore I urge you to have a chat about it with your son. :)

Corcory · 18/09/2017 20:28

I really wouldn't worry about it. I would probably have said the same - if only it were true! I have a tendency to answer my children's questions rather than telling them it's none of their bees wax as I am always pleased they felt they could actually ask me.

Babyturnip · 18/09/2017 20:30

i think you did the right thing, when I was 14 my mum found the morning after pill down the side of my bed. ( I don't know why I didn't throw it away, I was troubled) but she never questioned me about it. She took me for an abortion at 16 again we never spoke about it after at all. I have promised myself I will parent differently. It is hard though.

ReanimatedSGB · 18/09/2017 20:31

You did nothing wrong OP. I've got a 12-year-old DS, too, and a couple of months ago he asked me about masturbation. I have always done my best to answer any sex-related questions honestly, in an age-appropriate way, but am about to get him a book on puberty as it's getting to the point where he needs to go over stuff again and probably into more detail than he would be comfortable talking to me about. We did also discuss privacy and boundaries - basically I had been assuring him that masturbation was healthy and most people do it sometimes so of course the next question was, Mum, do you? I said sometimes, but it was a private matter and not polite to ask people about it.
(I'm not with his dad, but we have an amicable relationship and DS knows that specific questions about willies and learning how to shave are his Dad's responsibility.)

user1497199406 · 18/09/2017 20:31

I think you answered really well! I asked my Mum at a similar age how old she was when she first had sex and how many people she has had sex with...a bit mortifying looking back but it was simple curiosity after learning about sex at school. Years later I told her when I lost my virginity and it was her turn to be a wee bit embarrassed! we discussed contraception and when we were put on the same medication I asked her about the effect on your sex drive. we can have open honest discussions about everything in life, probably because I got honesty instead of pearl-clutching as a teen :)

StarHeartDiamond · 18/09/2017 20:36

I wouldn't have told him "none of your business" or "mind your own" like done ate suggesting. I'd have asked why he wanted to know and then said that for most people, frequency can vary but as a general average it might be once or twice a week, however it is considered rude to ask a person directly as it's a private matter between the couple.

Saying "mind your own" etc is what you say to another adult, not a child who is learning. Answering as above gives them a useful lesson on boundaries and something of an answer without making them feel shamed for asking. What if he asked a friends oarent ir s teacher? I'm sure most would take a mature view of it but it might embarrass him unnecessarily if someone reacted badly to being asked. I would go back to him and add on to what you said.

KnowsStuff · 18/09/2017 20:37

Maybe he's just discovering the power of causing a reaction in people lol
But yes ask why he wants to know first and tell him that it's a very personal question to ask.

StarHeartDiamond · 18/09/2017 20:37

*like some are

DevilsAdvocaat · 18/09/2017 20:45

Nothing wrong with your answer at all op!
Good for you.
I imagine your DS may have been embarrassed for asking a silly question if your response had not been so cool.
No biggie.

SherbrookeFosterer · 18/09/2017 20:47

You did the right thing. Children are curious and it is important your DCs know they can ask you anything.

But I would be curious to know his motive for asking though. I am guessing his friends/peers were discussing this.

I understand your unease though.

manicmij · 18/09/2017 20:49

Like others, a would ask why DS wanted to know?. Even the would say it was personal thank you and he shouldn't ask people such things. Boundaries!

JustWonderingZ · 18/09/2017 20:51

I realise you were caught off guard and it is quite difficult to think on your feet when such a sensitive matter arises. I admire your fantastic relationship with your son, though. My eldest is nine and I would love him to come to me and ask about anything, but he is not the type. So I stocked up on books on the subject, as detailed and comprehensive as I could find given his age.

If I were asked this question, I would probably have replied 'when we feel like it'. Which is true, it is not a lie. But I would avoid giving particulars as to how many times a week etc. as it will probably lead to HIM being embarrassed rather than me. I have got very few hang-ups wrt discussing sex at my age. Especially having been through childbirth three times and having had several male gynaecologists involved in my care who I did have to discuss stuff with in great detail!

icedgem85 · 18/09/2017 20:52

Don't regret answering! It's amazing that he is comfortable enough to just ask you questions when they come to mind. You want him to get his information from you and to come to you when he has problems. Lots of idiots and prudes on this thread. Ignore them. I'd also have been mortified but would have answered (I'd
have to swap weeks for months though!)

histinyhandsarefrozen · 18/09/2017 21:01

He must feel comfortable with you to ask. I bet he can confide in you easily which is lovely.

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