To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

[bestoutofthree]

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

houseofboys really? Isn't there a healthy line?

I'm concentrating on nothing other than the once or twice a week part. I've not had sex since November

And yes it is also well worth having the 'porn chat' with him too. When children need more info then google is not their friend when it comes to sex. I would be horrified if my DC's got their sex education from porn. The normalisation of anal and extreme sex online is really dangerous to developing teenagers.

I work with record amounts of young men who can no longer get aroused by their partners, only by porn.

I agree it's great that he felt comfortable enough to ask. You want to be a better source to answer this kind of question then the Internet or his mates. There were lots of wrong ways to handle that question, but what OP said was fine.

I would have answered truthfully as well.

Mine asked when I lost my virginity and I told them. My teen boys are very open and honest with me and ask me all sorts of questions. I'm really glad they can be open with me and come to me with questions and not feel embarrassed.

Not seeing the issue at all.

mrsovertheroad surely it's about responding to the question that is asked? I would have been curious as to what prompted the question in the first place and probably responded with a silly answer before giving the real response.

This would be my way of letting him know it's a personal question but given we have a family motto of "you can ask me anything and I will always help you", it would be hypocritical of me to not respect our family values.

It is as a result of our family motto that gives me an insight into my DS's development. He will literally tell / ask me anything knowing he is in a safe place to do so.

Would you tell him how much you or his father earn if he asked?

I've been known to tell my kids to get out of the bedroom as we'd like to have sex. It's funny to see them retreating with all the eeeews.

Older teenage kids - not 7 year olds

i think its fair that you answered him honestly, and think it was really good that you double checked that he wanted to know.

OP, don't be mortified Sweet, children are little devils in disguise sometimes. You answered at the time, as you felt appropriate. As a Mother, you would have felt good, that he felt able to ask you that personal question, and also wouldn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, sacrificing yourself !
We've all been there, it's no big deal, it really isn't, be ready for him next time ! 😂

I asked my mum that same question. She answered it.
But she says I always asked embarrassing questions and was never satisfied with the explanations books advise you give children.

I remember asking my mum this when I was 12. Everyone at school was talking about sex and I was curious.

My mum answered factually and then bought me a book about sex and we had The Chat.

I aspire to such coolness and openness when my children get to that age.

It's really not a big deal that he asked. He's curious and trusts you to tell the truth. Use this as the springboard to teach him about sex.

So to all the people who would answer the question. Would you also answer questions about how many people you've had sex with? Where you've had sex? Which was your favourite etc? Where do you draw the line?

"Sex is a natural part of any relationship and it is nothing to be ashamed about."

But not wanting to tell your kid (or anyone else) how often doesn't mean that you are ashamed, does it?

It wasn't all that inappropriate, the OP isn't actually having sex with her son here.

I remember asking my mum when I was about 13 if her and Dad still had sex or if they were too old, she told me they had it at least 3 times a day and that's why I have so many siblings. It wasn't til I moved in with DH (when I was 19) that I realised 3 times a day was probably an exaggeration, I genuinely thought that was how often couples had sex and that there was something wrong with our relationship because we weren't at it like rabbits

It was an odd question but I think your answer was fine.

I think you handled it well OP, you don't deserve to feel mortified! A bit embarrassed, sure, because it is personal and you sound like you were put on the spot, but I think you did a great job. You didn't give technicolor details.

I think your honesty is much better than inadvertently shaming your son for asking a question.

Conversations about sex with a safe adult are far healthier than googling or going on a discussion forum and asking there, or listening to shit from teenagers.

Boundaries are really important, so I do get the posters here who say it would feel like crossing their own boundaries to be asked a question like this and feel uncomfortable to respond - but then I suppose I think being a parent sometimes making an informed choice to cross your own personal boundaries for the wellbeing of your child, because it's important for their needs.

Like sometimes your kid needs a cuddle, and you don't feel like cuddling, but you do it anyway because it's what they need.

Far better the OP's son got a frank and straightforward answer, imo.

I've also read too that knowing parents have sex is gross on one level for a kid but on a deeper unconscious level makes them feel secure that their parents are staying together.

I think I asked a question when I was that age, my mum said once a week (I think) which good on her it's more then I'm getting now 😂
I don't think you said anything wrong and I love that your son feels comfortable asking you questions, it says a lot about your relationship!
I hope when my little family grows up they are completely comfortable asking me anything, and I will hopefully try and be honest.

I wouldn't compare giving a child a cuddle to telling them when I have sex. One is meeting a basic need the other is answering a personal question. I think kids need to know there are some things you don't have to share.

So to all the people who would answer the question. Would you also answer questions about how many people you've had sex with? Where you've had sex? Which was your favourite etc? Where do you draw the line?

I wouldn't answer those questions if my child was very young.

I would have no problems telling my 16 and 18 year old how many people I have had sex with. I would want to know why they asked first though. I wouldn't tell them my favourite sexual act or where I have had sex, no.

That's where I drawer the line. If I'm not comfortable with answering it then I won't answer it.

To the posters who think this is innapropriate, what happens when you buffer your little boys questions and they then turn to their mates or google for answers?

Appropriate type of question to be reasonably answered: what is sex? how are babies made? What is a blow job?

Inappropriate question: personal ones. How often do you have sex? Do you give dad blow jobs? etc etc

I never cease to be amazed at the over sharing of information

@bluntness100 your being a little obtuse. Questions to mates and google wouldnt be as specific but for example they might discuss what a normal sex life is; a parents answer is realistic - a friends answer could be anything from ''mothers dont have sex'' to ''my girlfriend wants its 3 times a day!''...both answers equally have difficult outcomes

Huh? So, there is no set amount of times you know that's the norm for every couple, and mates and google wouldn't say how much his parents do it, I'm sure they are talking about it anyway. Why does he need to know specifically how often his parents do it?

Not answering how often you have sex with his father is not the same as not discussing sex in general and being honest and open. For me there is a line and how often your shagging really in my view isn't something you share with your twelve year old. I also think a twelve year old should know enough not to ask or even want to know.

Answering generally that couples can have sex from several times a day to once every few months is fine. He doesn't need to know how often his parents do it specially.

I asked the question, because I wanted to know if the average of 1 or 2 a week I had read, was accurate.
Kids of this age are naturally curious about sex. And I would answer this question. I would also say how many people I have had sex with, but not details like favourite sexual position or place. I would be surprised if a DC asked that though.

I asked my mom straight out if my father was the first man she had sex with or if they had sex before marriage (religious family) and she answered me truthfully. Your parents are the example of relationships for you as a kid and it's natural to be curious (as well as grossed out once you hear the answer).
You did nothing wrong op, don't answer if you aren't comfortable of course but I try my best to be open and matter of fact with my son when he has questions.