To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

[bestoutofthree]

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

When l was 8 l asked my parents a similar question. It went like this. I know l was 8 as my cousin was born the day before my birthday . Whilst at the hospital to see her sister and new nephew, mum bought a book on the facts of life. We called it 'the wee green book' from then on. It was green and intended for children. We - 10 yr old brother and l - were given the book to read and told we could ask 'any questions' we had. A few days later we were having tea and mum asked had we read the book and did we have any questions. I immediately asked 'So how many times have you and dad mated?' I remember clearly using the word 'mated' - possibly because l had guinea pigs and liked books about animals!

My brother was mortified- looked like he wanted to slide under the table (poor boy - l was an embarrassing sister). Mum and dad sort of smirked at each other and she said 'That's a very private question'. And that was that.

DH and l have been asked similar by our dc. Our answers vary but we never tell them. Sometimes it's 'Well, there are 4 of you so it must be 4', or 4 plus one for practice.

Defo would have said 'not your business sorry, and it's rude at ask!'

*rude TO ask!

I actually don't think it was inappropriate. Sex shouldnt be something to be embarrased about. He was curious and he asked a question. Im pretty sure i asked my mum the same question sometime after the 'sex talk'. Making a bit deal out of it means he may not feel comfortable to ask questions in the future. I would be proud he felt comfortable to ask me. As for his response...pretty standard boy response

Sorry to interrupt...

bestoutofthree just to let you know this came up on my Facebook via Huffington Post. Not sure if you are aware they've picked it up?

I know that it's a public forum and we don't own what we post etc, but I still feel it kind of sucks.

As you were.

I don't think it is rude to ask. It's simply curiosity. Not telling and explaining it's private is acceptable, l think. When l asked l wasn't made to feel naughty- quite unusual for my parents with whom l had an odd, vaguely dysfunctional relationship. For once they got it right IMO.

Well done on your parenting OP. If your son is able to ask you about sex he's obviously comfortable with you, that only comes from the right kind of upbringing.

He has learnt a very valuable lesson - Don't ask questions you don't want to the answers to.. :-)

I'm impressed that you answered honestly, I think I might have given a general "well a normal amount is anything from X to Y..." kind of answer but I bet he appreciated your openness.

houseoboys wrote, "I am a sex therapist and I think you answered great! Open and honesty is the way to go IMO. Sex is a natural part of any relationship and it is nothing to be ashamed about”.

How would you deal with a boy who wanted to watch, maybe get involved in this natural part of family relationships? How many details would you personal details/body parts would you divulge?

My ds is 12 and that's exactly the type of thing he'd ask me out of the blue. I think your ds has had a conversation whereby someone said "my parents do it once a week" and he's thought nah my parents do it once a year, he's asked you and that's why he was surprised at your response. Most kids think everyone over 25 is too old to be having regular sex anyway.

I wouldn't be mortified, mention it to your dh, have a laugh and forget about it.

I am surprised so many think it rude to ask. It seemed a normal question to me. You were right to answer it.

How would you deal with a boy who wanted to watch, maybe get involved in this natural part of family relationships? How many details would you personal details/body parts would you divulge?

How on earth have you leapt from asking a question which may overstep some people's boundaries to letting a child watch parents have sex? Utterly ridiculous and bordering on worrying from your pov that you'd leap to such nonsense in such a situation.

OP you answered honestly and I doubt very much it hurt him. Most 12 year olds realise that their parents have sex, lots ask questions and lots more keep it all in, wondering, never feeling secure enough to ask. My 11 year old asked the other day if his little brother was conceived through IVF. I asked why he thought that and he replied that he would prefer that because then it means DH and I wouldn't have had sex. I doubt very much that your DS will be emotionally scarred from this.

charolais

Wtf

Great answers, @bestoutofthree
One of life's many lessons we all need to learn, If you really don't want to know the answer, DON'T ASK the Question.

Great job.

I think you were supposed to say the last time was about 13 years ago... . Serves him right! He will remember your response for many, many years

As if wanting to watch, i.e. participate in sex, is the same as asking a question about it.
[massive eye roll]

Well done on your fairly frequent shagging OP ! Very good 😊

Lesson for him too. If you don't want to hear the answer - don't ask the question.

Correct answer was once -to conceive DS. Why else would you have sex?
I teach 9-10 year olds and their general attitude is "Why would you do that? Well I suppose if you want to have a baby you have to... but you don't need to do all that silly stuff do you, you could just put it in and out again and that's it."

Definitely talk to him about sex in loving relationships and porn, OP. My idea might be completely bonkers, but perhaps your son had seen some porn recently, and was concerned/struggled with the idea that you were being treated like 'fuckmeat' by your partner?

topcat my DB (52) still maintains our parents must have only done it 3 times because there's 3 of us 😂😂😂

I think you were right to be honest, why on earth would you be ashamed to answer anyway?

Your son asked a difficult question and you answered him: one day you might need to ask him a personal question, hopefully he has learned that it's ok to answer.

I think that was the perfect answer. I don't understand why people are saying it's inappropriate.
The more open we are about this stuff the less chance there is of our kids being taken advantage of ( at any age) or of getting into something way over their heads.
My rule of thumb is to only tell what's necessary and age appropriate. You know your own child best.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. Your instinct was to be honest and you double checked he wanted to know. He's learnt a lesson - he didnt really want to know. No harm done. I'd probably have said none of your business but I dont think its bad that you told him.

My DD asked me if I'd ever had an abortion last week. Still that was easy because I never have, but we talked it through as a complicated moral issue.