To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

[bestoutofthree]

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

I don't think it's terrible you answered his question honestly. It would be different if you had initiated the conversation or told him unbidden,
It's not like you detailed preferences or positions.

I would cringe a bit if my kids asked me but to be fair I do remember asking my mum & dad when I was about 12....
I seem to remember I got contradictory answers from them!

i agree with fencesitter. Generic questions, fine. Deeply personal ones are nosiness and none of any one else's business. My sex life in none of my children's business. And theirs is none of mine!

"I wouldn't compare giving a child a cuddle to telling them when I have sex. One is meeting a basic need the other is answering a personal question. I think kids need to know there are some things you don't have to share."

@CorbynsBumFlannel It's not about giving live updates on when you have sex, and to me that's a pretty different question.

OP's kid sounded like he was trying to work out approximately how often adults, regular everyday adults that he knows as opposed to anything he's heard on the schoolboy grapevine, engage in sex. Sex is kind of a bizarre concept when it's new to you, I think

Especially as sadly there's a pretty good chance he's seen some porn by age 12 and read the comments under the porn, which can be fucking unpleasant and give wholly unrealistic and nasty opinions, especially on women. Stuff like "she's always gagging for it" and about women being "fuckmeat" are pretty standard comments on porn sites.

That's capable of setting off very strange ideas in a schoolboy's head. Better to have a reality check, and get some information from a safe adult about what normal adults in a loving relationship do. Better still when a boy is able to have that matter of fact chat from a safe adult who is a woman ie his mum.

In terms of teaching kids about sex, I think it's actually pretty crucial to be able to have these conversations. Obviously though that is just my opinion.

That would've been a boundaries talk rather than a sex talk, for me.

My rule with my 12 year old DD is that I will answer any questions about sex but not about MY sex life
I wouldn't tell anybody how often I have sex/positions etc and especially not my children

One of my DC's funniest moments was when I went for a walk with DS9 and his friend. I heard them talking about sex (after being taught at school) and my son said "your parents had to do it to get you" and his friend replied "owwww, your parents did it twice!"

I don't think this is the huge, inappropriate deal that people are determined to make it.

It's just sex. He wasn't asking for all the gory details. :o

He asked a question and you gave him an honest, non-graphic answer.

You might feel a little but at least he knows he can talk to you about these things.

I'm really surprised that so many people feel this was inappropriate. I think it's a massive credit to you that he felt able to ask and you answered. I agree that you want him being able to ask you than rely on dodgy information from the playground or internet.

I wouldn't give details of my own sex life as that would be none of my children's business but I'd say that there's no 'normal' amount, different folk have different sex drives, some people don't have sex at all etc

I agree, boundaries talk rather than a sex talk and being honest. Would you have asked him how many times a week he masturbated? Number of partners, number of times a week, positions etc are all personal.

WTH! I would have said, ‘That is none of your business. That is a very inappropriate question’! I can’t imagine one of my sons asking that. Maybe you should ask him how often he wanks off.

I would have answered.

Sex when you're that young comes across like some mythical thing only people in movies do, or in magazines, something only for beautiful people when cameras roll. Because of its near-magical status, especially given the amount of power we give it in our society ("And behold, afterwards you will be forever changed and you will be A Grown Adult now with Great Responsibility...") it can seem overwhelming and impossible to comprehend.

I think it's a sensible question from the kid. Once he looks around and realises it's obviously rather common, performed by ordinary people of many (adult) ages, it demystifies it a bit. It's comforting to know that the first kid who claims "I'v'e had sex" isn't some demi-god worthy of the rest of the class' adoration and respect. It's not really a big deal. Yer mum does it twice a week. Next-door do it. The Queen does it. It's no big magical mystery thing.

And I was brought up by prudes who told me it was very hush hush and a secret and we never ever talked about it, ever, because it was all so 'rude' to talk about, and so instead of developing into a healthy sexually mature adult I got groomed by dodgy 50+ year olds and stumbled into marriage too soon. Great job!

So there'll be none of that secrecy here.

That wee confused face was not for you Iskra.

I agree with you 100%.

"And theirs is none of mine!"

As adults, yes.

A 12 year old's 'sex life', though - frankly if they're having one that doesn't involve their own fiddling, it is the parents' business. I had friends in high school at 12 and 13 with 'boyfriends' in their late 30s. We call them paedophiles now. These girls were frightened and distressed and began cutting themselves and we all didn't know what to do, especially as our parents told us sex wasn't to be discussed. I tried to tell my mother how frightened I was for my friend and she said "Silly little girl, playing silly little games." No one cared, because "it was none of our business" and I think that's just a bit too, I don't know, a bit too final?

If your 12 year old had a sex life involving another person, it's not just your business, it's police business!

And what if they had questions about their sexuality and wanted to talk to you about that? That is their sex life - would you interrupt them coming out as gay to you to remind them "Your sex life is none of my business."?

iskara coming out as gay is just who they are - happy to chat about that. but wouldn't be asked them how they did it with their partner and how often. not my business.

I was referring to my adult dds in my comment not a 12 year old but would certainly not be telling a 12 year old how often I had sex. I would be wondering why the hell they wanted to know and worried about their lack of understanding of personal boundaries. What else should they be asking "how often to do you get thrush mum?" " when did you last suck dad off?"

It really is not the same.

"Oh no now I regret answering.. I was caught off guard."

Please don't regret it or worry, OP.

I think that this shows just how very secure your child is within both his relationship with you, and with the separate relationship he knows his parents have.

As to posters saying that they think the question and answer were highly inappropriate and/or they would have told their child it was none of his/her business, well ... fine, each to their own opinions, I suppose ... but I wonder if they would want their own children, (when the children are growing up a bit and themselves are beginning to become sexually active), to feel confident and secure enough to be able to ask their parents about any questions or concerns they have?

Or would they want their children to continue to be concerned, and not to ask, because it was 'inappropriate' or 'not their parents business'?

I know which I'd prefer and I do think you handled that just fine.

Where do you draw the line though? If DS asks "mum, which rooms have you had sex in?" Or "how long does it take you and dad to have sex?" would you answer? I don't see the difference between those sorts of questions and asking about frequency of sex.

I think I'd draw the line where I felt comfortable. Your imagination seems to be running away with you with a lot of 'what ifs' which haven't actually happened.

I think questions about frequency and how long are general info - if I answered them I'd probably steer it towards the general rather than personal in a child's case. But I think they're perfectly reasonable things to want to know.

The fact is, adults ask each other these questions, some women come on here to ask. Even as adults one doesn't necessarily know what the 'norm' is - and it doesn't really exist - hence the questions. If one of your friends asked you the same thing, would you shut her down for being 'nosey'?

I know this is too late now, but next time he asks something similar, just ask back 'what should the answer be?' after asking the already suggested 'why do you ask?' Then you have an opportunity to learn what goes on inside his mind.

I wouldn't ask my best fruend of 30 years that question. Is it appropriate for your son to be asking and if he does, shouldn't he be told to mind his own, especially as you are obviously so uncomfortable with it?

As the eldest of four, my logic was simple (until I left home at least) - my parents had had sex four times.

That worked for me.

I would tell him to shut that mouth 😂😂😂