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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

240 replies

bestoutofthree · 17/09/2017 12:17

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:43

No we aren't, we generally get the balance right.

Really? So why does the UK have the highest teen pregnancy rate in Western Europe?

ConciseandNice · 17/09/2017 13:44

TatianaLarina exactly that! People here are bloody deluded.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:45

It's very worrying that you thought this was an appropriate question to answer.

It's not funny, or "mortifying." It's concerning. You should not have answered.

A most bizarre response.

frisbeefreedom · 17/09/2017 13:46

I'm shocked there are so many people who think this is so inappropriate! He wasn't asking a stranger and he wasn't asking about positions FFS!

I think it's really important that kids of this age have sex education that is actually about real life, I think it's entirely healthy to have a basic curiosity about this stuff. And if he knows he can ask you questions and get a straightforward answer, then he's more likely to come with more questions in the future.

InsomniacAnonymous · 17/09/2017 13:48

Exactly, diddl. Knowing how often his parents have sex is not sex education. It's just prurience and should not have been indulged.

RollingGreenMarble · 17/09/2017 13:50

I asked my parents. I knew not to ask others and that it was a private thing i was asking. It wasn't to share with friends.

I wanted to know what was normal. sex was such a mindblowing topic at the time. The mechanics, babies, what people did in relationships... Tbh i could probably have a good guess now from things said in various conversations. My mother was a nurse though and body talk was common in our house!

LadyLoveYourWhat · 17/09/2017 13:52

I don't think it's inappropriate at all! Part of my job as a parent is to help my kids understand what normal is (and that normal is a very wide range). Sex education is more than just biology.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:53

I think it is part of sex education - knowing how often married people have sex in the real world, as opposed to what people get up to in magazines/books/films.

Sex in the context of relationships is not taught at school - it is in the Netherlands where they have a much lower teen pregnancy rate. What other adult could he ask that question?

If he were 35 I think you could say it was prurience, but from a 12 year old it's just innocent curiosity.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:57

Sex education is more than just biology.

Absolutely - I think issues around sex in relationships, around consent, around porn are really important to address.

Now more than ever as the media presents such a distorted picture of sexuality.

PinkFlamingo888 · 17/09/2017 13:58

His friends will have been talking about it at school. I remember other kids saying they'd heard/ seen their parents at it. They probably never had but it's definitely a topic of discussion for kids.

tocas · 17/09/2017 14:00

I don't think it's bad that he asked or that you answered truthfully OP - he was probably so grossed out that he will refrain from asking anything so personal again

When I was a kid I thought that mums and dads only had sex to make babies so maybe only a few times in their whole lives

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/09/2017 14:11

I don't think I would have been mortified that my son had asked the question or thought it was wierd or anything. He would be just learning what was an appropriate question to ask people he knew well and trusted. I just would have told him that "couples in relationships have sex according to when they feel like it and that could vary between once a day or a few times a year for any couple. Your dad and I fall somewhere in that range but there isn't any need for you to know details."

I WOULD however have been mortified if I had told him the specific answer pertaining to me and DH as I guess it would be discussed with friends at school and that would not be something I would be happy with. Plus, DH and I have sex much less often than when we first got together and there are various reasons why we might go through a "dry" patch and I really wouldn't want to get into the details of all that.

As soon as you start talking about your own sexual habits to your kids you open a can of worms. as others have said, educating them about what the average couple does is fine. It is pure nosiness to ask your parent how often THEY have sex and doesn't add to their knowledge of others' sexual habits as it is only one example. To get an understanding of what is the "average" they would have to ask many more people which is then going into "disturbing" behaviour!!!

ChinchillaFur · 17/09/2017 14:11

I think it's great that he obviously feels he can ask you anything. You shouldn't have to answer if you don't want to though. Better that he asks you than google etc.

My parents never ever talked to me about sex. I got all my info from the playground and my best mate's Just 17 (which I wasn't allowed to buy).

I am bringing my 8 year old dd up the total opposite - she knows she can ask me anything and we have talks that she knows are private and not to be repeated at school. We recently watched the documentary about the monkeys (Patagonia?) and she was really shocked when they were mating. She said she felt sorry for the boy monkey having to do that! DH had to leave the room!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/09/2017 14:13

We discuss anything & everything. I wouldn't be surprised to be asked & I'd just answer honestly.

I'd have asked what made him ask though, so we could discuss it.

There are some very odd replies on this thread.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 17/09/2017 14:22

I realise he wasn't asking about positions but my point was you don't have to answer every personal question about your sex life to encourage your child to be open with you. I wouldn't tell a child off for asking how often I had sex but I think it's perfectly valid to keep anything you consider private between you and your partner.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 14:25

how often THEY have sex and doesn't add to their knowledge of others' sexual habits as it is only one example. To get an understanding of what is the "average" they would have to ask many more people which is then going into "disturbing" behaviour!!!

He didn't ask about 'average' or others' sexual habits, he asked about his parents. I think they're a valid example of what's 'normal' in a standard ltr and in time he'll learn that amount differs widely. The people he's close to are the only ones he can ask - he's unlikely to ask lots of people.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/09/2017 14:31

Completely disagree, Tatiana. Fair enough if you think differently.

Where do you draw the line though? If DS asks "mum, which rooms have you had sex in?" Or "how long does it take you and dad to have sex?" would you answer? I don't see the difference between those sorts of questions and asking about frequency of sex.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 17/09/2017 14:32

Presumably you don't want to teach your kids that they have to share information just because they are asked. Particularly about sex. I'm thinking of the potential for bullying if they share stuff on social media etc. Modelling that some things are private and you don't have to discuss them is a good thing imo.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 17/09/2017 14:34

Absolutely Curly. I think everyone would draw a line somewhere.

FledglingFTB · 17/09/2017 14:34

It's great that he asked and that you were open enough to answer. You handled it well. it's not the 1950s ffs, sex is normal and his question was very straightforward - why is this taboo?

Saying that I would have probably asked him what/why he was suddenly so curious.

sourpatchkid · 17/09/2017 14:34

I agree with those who think it's fine. I think it's great he can ask you and it's good to normalise sex in this day of extreme porn (which will tell him 20x a day is normal)

I used to ask my parents all kind of questions (including when and who they lost their virginity too) because my parents had been taught sex was something shameful that they shouldn't speak of and they didn't want to do the same with me. It's not damaged me at all and my boundaries are excellent (I actually provide teaching on boundaries so really, they're fine!)

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/09/2017 14:36

I suppose he was hoping you'd say never. We've only ever done once
(Your conception)
Parents don't have sex, you know.

opheliacat · 17/09/2017 14:37

I am on the side of "what an odd question" and the best answer would have been "DS, that question is very personal and the only person who should know is the person you are having sex with."

houseoboys · 17/09/2017 14:38

I am a sex therapist and I think you answered great! Open and honesty is the way to go IMO. Sex is a natural part of any relationship and it is nothing to be ashamed about.

BillBrysonsBeard · 17/09/2017 14:40

I think your answer was fine, maybe mention to him not to ask anyone else that question though His reaction was strange though seeing as he asked!

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