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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

240 replies

bestoutofthree · 17/09/2017 12:17

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

OP posts:

LouHotel · 17/09/2017 13:07

@tinseltwins exactly!

To the posters who think this is innapropriate, what happens when you buffer your little boys questions and they then turn to their mates or google for answers?

Try putting 'sex' in a search engine for images to see what they can be exposed to rather than a open safe conversation with their parents.

Equally for daughters if conversations are not had they can pick up an unrealistic expectations of what their bodies should look like and what they should do with them and how often.

Tinty · 17/09/2017 13:09

I think at 12 DC have done sex ed at school and are doing biology etc so maybe it is suddenly occurring to them that their parents had sex to conceive them.

Maybe he is hoping you would say once before you were born and once before your sister was born at which point he would have said to himself few now I don't have to worry about my parents doing that! Of course you scuppered his dreams with the reality!

Anyway I think it is good for children to realise the sex isn't just something you do when you are young. I don't think that there is anything wrong in answering his questions, hopefully he will be open with you when he is thinking about sex himself and you can have a conversation about consent, respect (his and the girls) and also about using condoms and being safe.

I may have gone with many,many times a week son, just to see the look on his face.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2017 13:10

To the posters who think this is innapropriate, what happens when you buffer your little boys questions and they then turn to their mates or google for answers?

Eh what now? He could ask his mates or google as much as he wishes, neither sources would know how often we have sex. Would your child's mates and google know how often you have sex?

GreatFuckability · 17/09/2017 13:15

I would have answered him. I might have asked why he was asking, but i'd have answered. I'm not seeing the issue.

LouHotel · 17/09/2017 13:15

@bluntness100 your being a little obtuse.

Questions to mates and google wouldnt be as specific but for example they might discuss what a normal sex life is; a parents answer is realistic - a friends answer could be anything from ''mothers dont have sex'' to ''my girlfriend wants its 3 times a day!''...both answers equally have difficult outcomes

Mumteadumpty · 17/09/2017 13:16

I have answered these sort of questions, as my DD used to ask a lot of them! Sometimes I would add that generally this is private information, as it occurred to me that the information could be shared with her friends.
When she was younger, she would say that she knew I had had sex three times as I have three children, and so as she grew older I wanted her to know that it's OK to have recreational sex as well.

SallyForthSunshine · 17/09/2017 13:17

Type "how often do couples have sex in a week" into google and you get pretty much the same answer the OP gave tbh.

Justaboy · 17/09/2017 13:20

Seem he's well on his way into a career in behavioral research;-)

user1471548375 · 17/09/2017 13:23

I had no idea so many people were so prudish. He's approaching an age where he will naturally be curious about sex, so great he feels he can be open with you about it, and you feel you can be honest with him.

I'd far rather a dose of embarrassment here and there, than a dose of herpes or an unplanned pregnancy in a few years because there was a question he wanted to ask, but felt he couldn't.

diddl · 17/09/2017 13:26

I think I would have had to ask why he wanted to know.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:26

I don't think it's inappropriate at his age, I think it was disarmingly honest. I don't know what I would have said in that situation but I think children appreciate honesty from parents and being treated like a grown up. It's far better to get a truthful response from an adult rather than nonsense from his friends and Reddit.

On the plus side, he probably won't ask anything like that again!

LuckySpider · 17/09/2017 13:28

My eldest is 14 and I have told him I will answer any question he has but never personally about me or Dh.

I would say to him most adults in a marriage have sex, some don't for lots of different reasons. But I would never reveal frequency of my own sex life, even to my best mate. All I ever say to her is, I am very happy.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:30

I'd far rather a dose of embarrassment here and there, than a dose of herpes or an unplanned pregnancy in a few years because there was a question he wanted to ask, but felt he couldn't.

I have to agree that I think parents need to take responsibility for sex education and not leave it to school and the internet.

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses on this thread - some sound more like my uptight parents' generation.

ConciseandNice · 17/09/2017 13:31

It's not an inappropriate question at all!!!! It makes me furious people saying that. What is inappropriate is feeling like you have to answer it if you don't want to. It's good to have your own boundaries and tell your child (or anyone) if they are crossing them.

My young adult children, especially my eldest are very open about questions re sex and have a very healthy attitude about it. They don't know about my sex life, but I know that if they wanted to know they would feel ok to ask and that if I refused to answer they would respect that. The 'Oh that's inappropriate' is f@cking absurd and sets up a child to have all sorts of weird ideas about the potential answers they never received and also about their parents. OP answered and I believe as long as she was happy to answer then that is absolutely fine. What a bunch of horrid puritans on here.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 17/09/2017 13:31

Personally I think it is great that he feels able to ask you anything. It is a nightmare when you are caught by surprise with a question. You answered truthfully and that is the most important thing. He may ask a similar question and then you can have the boundary, privacy talk.

Birdsgottafly · 17/09/2017 13:34

"We are so sexually repressed in the uk! "

No we aren't, we generally get the balance right.

Our age of Consent and Girls and Women's reproductive rights and access to contraception etc is about right.

We have more sex on our television, some not great, Bennie Hill and the like, than other nations. But get the boundaries right.

Unmarried Mothers and Gay Couples are portrayed seriously in our media, without moral judgments.

Not wanting to discuss the details of your sex life to your children isn't being prudish. My sex drive is high, I wouldn't want to share that. I've taught my girls liberal attitudes without making it personal.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 17/09/2017 13:35

I'd have either said none of your business or denied any activity since his conception/told him he was made in a laboratory.
I can see how you were caught off guard though. At least he's learned the lesson that if you don't want to hear all possible answers you might not want to ask!
Is he aware that he shouldn't ask friends parents, more distant relatives, teachers etc the question?

GinnyWreckin · 17/09/2017 13:39

He probably wants to know if you're having more than him

Seriously, maybe he and his mates are doing a statistical analysis, and you're in the lead with the sweepstakes!

Fwiw, maybe in figure I think you may hear more about his sex life than you may feel comfortable with, but that's no bad thing as there's so much fake news about sex.
He seems to have a good relationship with you- I'd stop worrying about other people's opinion about their comfort zones, and concentrate on that.

Sounds to me you have a healthy relationship with your son. Don't second guess that because of what others say, here or elsewhere: celebrate the open communication.

Ime not everyone is prudish about sex only the English

However discretion is important, so do remind him not to gossip with all the hoary glories about his parents girlfriends /boyfriends with his mates.

BruceAndNoush · 17/09/2017 13:39

It's very worrying that you thought this was an appropriate question to answer.

It's not funny, or "mortifying." It's concerning. You should not have answered.

GinnyWreckin · 17/09/2017 13:40

in future

CorbynsBumFlannel · 17/09/2017 13:40

I also think your child knowing they can ask anything and having open dialogue can also be balanced with your own right to privacy. Would the op have been obliged to answer questions about sexual positions relating to her own sex life with her partner/sons dad?

diddl · 17/09/2017 13:40

It's not sex education though is it?

Just nosiness on his part!

What use is the info to him?

Paleninteresting · 17/09/2017 13:41

My DD is the queen of random surprising questions and I would have responded the same as you because she calls me out on being evasive and unhelpful.
We do have an agreement that these are things we just talk about in the house though and I do check it out each time.
She is 9.

DaisysStew · 17/09/2017 13:41

I'd have told him it was none of his business. Not because answering is inappropriate or would mentally scar him or anything, but because it genuinely isn't any of his business.

d270r0 · 17/09/2017 13:43

I think its absolutely fine. You've taught him that its completely normal to have regular sex within a committed relationship. There is nothing at all wrong with that.

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