Financial Abuse?

[emma6776]

Hi all, not sure if this is FA or not. Grateful for advice. DP and I have been together for 9 years, with one DD (5). He works full time earning over £80k and I went part time when I had DD. I took home £500 p/m when I went back after mat leave (2 days) but studied part time and now make £1000 p/m working 3 days. I've always paid all the childcare bar £124 per month from
CCVs that DP gets. Until August when DD started school at least 59% of my salary went on childcare & then I paid other activities on top - swimming, days out etc. Often had to walk (1 hr) to work and back because I couldn't afford bus fare at the end of the month, had to make my monthly lenses last 4 months as couldn't afford the direct debit. No saving. The house is in partners name. AIBU? He pays all the mortgage and utilities and most of the shopping (I do top up shops). I have no access to 'family' money. Savings are in his of DDs name. Sometime he will transfer me money for DD's swimming lessons or the vet if I have literally nothing left. He's otherwise lovely, but I do feel the situation is unfair. He just bought himself a £2k watch but I've needed new prescription glasses for over a year. I don't know how to discuss this with him as he makes me feel so unreasonable every time I raise finances.

Everyone is quick to say financial abuse but all it seems to me is a lack of communication.

No, it's not lack of communication. It's the intentional shutting down of communication so that he doesn't have to hear that she's struggling.

Mirai devant even on your figures he has 1.5k left a month, whilst op cant afford glasses and had to walk everywhere.

But i very much doubt the mortgage is 2k or the bills as high.

Thank you for the flowers. Life for me is a million times better and I'm almost evangelical about the benefits of leaving an abusive relationship, and recognising the behaviour.

The focussing on the prescription glasses is wrong. We all know they can be bought cheaply online, but the OP shouldn't have to unless she actually wants to, bearing in mind the household income. The same with the walking to work. I used to dread running low on fuel for my uneconomical car - "look World, aren't I lovely, I've bought Molecule a super duper car - stuff the fact she can't afford the fuel cos she's so fucking feckless."

To those implying the OP has enabled this, she hasn't. He's the one who makes it difficult to talk about money, and I imagine there are many small, still subtle signs of abuse going on making it all the more difficult.

I had a high powered job, travelled the world, negotiated big contracts, yet ended up being abused. My confidence disappeared, yet now, 5 months on it's surging back. The interesting thing about this will be how he reacts to the conversation and how he makes the OP feel.

Hi all, just wanted to update you. Sat down last night with a list of avg expenses per month as suggested. I was calm, as opposed to the emotional wreck I normally am when discussing finances. The outcome is that's he's spoken to mortgage provider this morning and we're going through the paperwork on Fri to add me to the house deeds, he's transferring the £20k that is in DD's name to my sole name and we're still figuring out if a joint account is best for us or if it's better to have seperate accounts. I've spoken again about the glasses and he claimed that I hadn't mentioned it - I called BS in this as I have, several times. I now have the £ to get new decent ones, just need to make an appt. He's not saying sorry for the past few years as he says he honestly didn't realise that there was an issue but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Thanks again for the support.

Hope it all works out for you op

Really hope that is a fresh more equal phase for you both!

Great work OP!

Best of luck going forwards

A brilliant step forward! Xx

Wonderful! It's never easy to talk about money, so you've done a massive thing here!

If you don't just go with pooling all monies together, then definitely push for a joint account somewhere with regular transfers of enough money to cover everything you need, if your relationship is secure and you trust each other. Or, at the very least, ask to be issued a card with your name from his account. They can still do that, can't they?

It really is wonderful that you've spoken about things and seem to have knocked a bit of sense into him, but - at least from what you've posted - it sounds like you're still only getting the minimum. That 20k is not to be used now, correct? It's more like a "trust" for DD's future? You'll be added to the deeds, and you've been transferred the money to buy glasses, but not anything further? No increased transfers, no moving to him covering the cost of childcare? He really should be covering that as he takes in so much more.

It doesn't sound like your problems are actually solved, and there is still the potential for you to be without simple bus fare at the end of the month still, is that correct?

I hope I'm incorrect and/or missing something (or just being my usual pessimistic self), and I wish you the best of luck with all this!

That is fantastic, sounds like a great guy.

Well done OP.

JWrecks You've missed that OP's child is now at school, so her childcare payment is pretty minimal and therefore most of her £1000 monthly salary is hers to spend exactly as she wishes.

Great news.

The joint account thing is personal imo as I said before. The important thing for me was your lack of security (plus some of the stuff from the past that we'd need a time machine to rectify) which this will address :).

@RedSky OH... How on earth did I miss that?? Well good! Thank you!! :D

Ignore my previous post then! Sounds wonderful all round!

That's a good outcome. You did so well to talk about it, as it's not at all easy.